My husband and I moved in to help his parents in 2007. Ever since then it has been nothing but verbal and emotional abuse. We can no longer care for them physically, emotionally or financially. My brother in laws are never around to help. One comes every once in a while to visit but never with his kid or his wife unless it is a holiday and the other only comes when his wife makes him other wise he is never around, which is good because he drinks and is also verbally abusive. We got to the point were we needed in home health care so my sister in law took over all the paper work, lied about a lot of stuff and is now getting paid to come in to help out. She is rarely here yet she gets paid. we don't know how to handle this and need to leave because we can't do it anymore and it is killing us. We get yelled at by his family every time we ask for help or say we need to move out and we have had enough. we have no support from anyone except our friends and my family. What should we do? Will we get charged for abandonment if we have to leave for our own health and safety? We are also afraid that his family are going to go after us for elder abuse, when his parents refuse proper care and we can't get them to try. They smoke heavily around an oxygen tank and verbally yell at each other and us and his parents are gossipers. love to lie and tell stories to make them look good and us look bad. No one knows who to believe anymore. I call my family everyday crying and when every we want to visit them we get yelled at. We are completely lost and don't know what to do. Please help us.
Either through the front door or the back door, whichever is more convenient. If you have a lot of possessions to move, maybe through the garage would work best.
Stop talking about it and do it.
To avoid concern about elder abuse charges, investigate facility placements, present the information to the family (preferably in person so they can't deny they didn't get it), and suggest that they step up to the plate and either take their parents into their homes, arrange for assistance in the parents' homes, or find a suitable placement.
In the meantime, find a place to live yourselves, preferably nicely away from the squabbling family members. Get an unlisted phone number if you have to; they can always contact you by e-mail, and if they harass you, you have written documentation.
In fact, that's not a bad idea to notify them that you're terminating your role as caregivers and it's time for them to take over.
Give them your quitting date; this was a job for you, and as with any paid job you give notice and it's up to them to make arrangements by the time you leave.
Whatever you do, don't back down. And don't let the verbal abuse get to you; be firm, and when you've made your points, leave and let the family squabble among themselves.
The smoking in the presence of oxygen is risky; for that reason alone I'd get out ASAP.
Elder abuse might be considered if you just walked out and left, which is why I suggest that you make the preparations and put the issues to the family to address and choose solutions.
This isn't your fight any more. You have every right to move on with your lives.
Get out, living with smokers on oxygen is not acceptable to anyone.
Do work with Adult Protection. Tell them you are requesting a site assessment, as you are no longer able to provide care because you are moving away immediately (so APS reacts with due haste), and that the court might need to assign a guardian, as you are unaware of anyone in the family who will step in. This should open up a case that will bring to light what that SIL is doing, but it's not your problem. It's social services & SIL's problem.
You do not have to justify to APS why you are moving or why you can't continue care. They have to take your word and let you go. The state has procedures to find an emergency guardian to take over. The case worker from APS will have to deal with that because that's part of their job.
Move your stuff into storage for a month or two if you have to, just to start cutting physical ties with the property. Nobody has to know why. The less they know the better so they don't accuse you of stealing mom & dad's stuff.
Take pictures of every room in the house, from all sides to document the state of things, and as a record of what was there - or not - before you leave.
I would use my phone to capture some video of the situation when these two elders are in a typical fit, and to show them smoking around oxygen. You can do this without being in their face about it.
Live in a hotel for a few days until you can find an apartment as far away as possible and begin starting over. Even the Motel 6s have a free breakfast nowdays!
Sorry - could you explain?
Working 3 jobs and caring for parents as well as being verbally abused by the family is more than anyone should have to tolerate.
FYI, even if SIL works in IHSS, you can dispute any negative claims she makes if you have back up. This past January, a new caregiver assigned from another agency (similar to IHSS), visited my dad, then reported me to my social worker about:
1. Dad's feet dangling over the hospital ledge.
2. Dad's hanging trapeze is the wrong kind.
3. Dad complaining that he's always in bed and no one wants to put him in the wheelchair.
I received an email from my social worker about this. I was able to respond to each items and offered for social worker, home care nurse and I to meet with dad and discuss it. I made sure to be very detailed and neutral in my letter even though I was very angry at the caregiver. (She could have asked me before sending in her report.) I was thanked for a prompt response and no need for a meeting.
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