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Moving in with dad while husband and son stay at our home.

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I would never consider leaving husband and kids to care for a parent.

But let's hear a little more about this situation so others can respond. Many people on this discussion forum have done that and can give you their perspective.

How far between Dad's house and your house? How often will you see your family? How old are your children?

How old is your father, and what stage is his dementia in? Is he at the point of needing Hospice care? Does he have other ailments besides the dementia?

Is it open-ended how long you will stay with him, or are there some limits?

What other alternatives have you tried? Why did you settle on this one?

I wish you nothing but the best, Janny57. I do not doubt your compassion.
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It really sounds to me like caring for him, is going to be too much for one person. You may need to go down and get him into full time care.

I perked up when you said that you have RA. My sister was 10 years older than you, and completely disabled from it. She tried to care for Mother and her health went down hill quickly. She did not survive. Mom did and is now healthy as can be, in a NH, at age 95.
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I did this last summer. I moved in with my mom while my husband and kids were at home. It was exhausting. My house became a mess, my kids (22 and 15) did the best they could to help and my husband works two jobs in the summer. My mom wouldn't hire anyone either, but when school started back (I teach) I had to hire someone without her knowng she was paying for it. She had given me POA and I could write checks. I told her that her insurance was paying for it. She truly believed it. In November, she didn't want anyone with her all the time so we cut down to a few days a week, and then finally in March I encouraged her to move in to Assisted Living. I know she is safe and well cared for. Grant it, she is miserable and wants to move in to a little house as she says, but I know it wouldn't be good. She was doing the same thing, not taking medicine, not eating, getting lonely. Giving up your life and your family is just not feasible. You can try it and see how it goes for a while, but I would really consider other alternatives. Good luck to you.
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If Dad was a wartime veteran, call the VA and ask for "Aid and Attendance" help for him, so you can spend more time at your home.
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Janny, love is good, but his dementia is bad. He doesn't need you there half time, he needs someone to supervise full time; he does not need to die alone in a pile of dishes and rotting garbage, even if that's what he thinks he wants, but that's probably not it at all; he probably just does not realize that's where things are headed. With this severity, your POAs if you have them can be put into effect, and if you don't, a guardianship is more than appropriate. Another route to consider is Adult Protective Services, again depending on just how bad conditions are. if you mean one beer a night, a loaf of moldy bread and some outdated ketchup in the fridge it's one thing, but if you mean odors and garbage, incontinence, and trying to eat spoiled food and live on beer alone, its another thing altogether.

The open and honest conversation you hope for will likely be met with scorn and anger, and he will not remember that you tried to be open and honest, he will only remember that you vaguely threatened his independence or something like that and he may remember that he is angry at you or worse still that you turned on him. Remember, part of this disease is losing your judgement. He probably thinks he is doing OK.

It sounds like the doctor will be your ally and document the mental incapacity. All that said, he has possibly not even had assessements to make sure there is not soem reversibel factor like a vitamin deficiency that could be addressed and make a difference. If you get there and the house is not that bad and he's not that bad and can kind of potter around and muddle through in the familiar setting once you've cleaned it up, great, but I have a strong sense that's not going to be the case and you may have more than you can handle as far as cleaning up. He may even resist you cleaning up.

If no one has done any papers, you need an eldercare attorney or estate planner.
This is not easy stuff, but you can do it if you can bring yourself to see things as they really are. My hubby and I blew it with his parents, not realizing we had options when they refused all help and called the police on my brother in law, but after a year or two I did figure out what was going on with my mom..some of the hardest things I ever had to do...and OMG I remember thinking the same thing, that my mom's irrational plan for her to go home alone meant that she wanted to die there, but that was not it at all. She most definitely did not want to die alone, and she came up with plans that made no sense because she just flat out couldn't reason or get a grip on the reality.
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One more thought for the night...how about bringing someone with you that you can trust to be objective enough to help you see what you are seeing yet kind enough to support you when you go?
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I think its wonderful that you are their for your dad. But cant your husband go too? I know its hard in my situation, kinda the same thing, but I live very close to my grandfather, so its easier in that sense and Im not married, but have to kids and my disabled dad.

Its hard to talk about issues I know but just let him know your just worried about him and want the best for him. Extra help/ companions will be good for him and keep him from being lonely. Sit down with your husband and son and have a talk, then talk with your dad. I wish you luck!
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Do no lose the time with your son. I did the same thing last summer and I see the issues my son developed while I was gone. He now has this I am doing it attitude. He has forgot how to ask, he just does because he had to fend for himself last summer while dad worked and mom (Me) was at my mom's. BIG mistake. I wish I could take it back and hired someone immediately. Stay home with your family and get someone to help out with your dad more.
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It might work, but probably only for a short while. Making good memories with Grandpa is a plus, husband being without you for so much of your life is a minus. Dad is getting to the point where he will not be able to be left alone safely at all if he is not there already. He almost certainly shouldn't be driving. You may want to get the "advice and consent" available through a good comprehensive geriatric evaluation and leave some time for just you and hubby to visit with the social worker or counselor on the team. Once in a while, there is something medically that needs to be done that might improve someone's level of functioning. I know I needed told more point-blank by more objective people that my Mom was not going to be able to have things the way she wanted - to return home without full time (or any) outside help.

I hate this for you, it has to hurt just to realize your dad is in bad enough shape to need care, and then to realize that it is even worse than you were thinking. And, whatever it is that you wish you had done for Mom...well, it might or might not be the right thing to do for Dad. Alternatives like getting him settled in a assisted living facility closer to you, or if he is pretty simpatico and it would work moving him to your place instead (maybe make it a temporary "trial" at first, or just until you can help clean up the house, or something) would be worth considering. If you need to share more about Mom and what you wished could have been different, please feel free.
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What's easier for you? It would be tons easier for ME if she were at my house. (My current arrangement with MY mom.) I wouldn't even consider living at mom's house. Not a chance.

You have to take charge. That's that. So how best to do it? If I thought I'd get plenty of resistance, I'd call in social services and ask them to help me get mom in my house so I could care for her. I'd tell them, "I can't take care of her at her house anymore."

If you tell them that, they'll give her a choice. Your house or a nursing home. Then it's HER choice and, hopefully, you avoid the arguments. Don't engage her in these arguments. Let social services be the bad guys.
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