It’s been months since I posted and not much has changed. I guess I had the realization that I’m not capable of holding a real job, I’m too broken. I’m trying to be grateful for the job I have and I try to remember that I’m going to be rewarded on the other side if there’s such a thing. Ya have to accept that sometimes you are never going to get what you want and need in life. Runts get eaten by the she wolf or sow. As an unplanned unwanted child I am a runt. It’s better to be alive to meet the needs of others. I’m also making peace with my mortality as the rate of caregivers who die young is high and I don’t have health care (update, the case worker told her to call her and get information about insurance for me and of course she won’t do it because as always she won’t do anything—she thinks they have to call HER first and she yelled at me for pestering her about it... I also feel weirdly proud of myself for lancing my infected tooth abscess so I don’t cost my soon to be husband a lot of money)
tbh I just wish that I’d just get cancer or drop dead from a massive heart attack or something. I made him promise me that if we ever have children and I die to remarry a good kind lady with a great career so she can take him away from all this bs. She DID get her friend to start doing some chores for her (technically the friend is backup in case I get sick but she’s already decided she won’t do 95% of the work such as bathing her or doing her hair or cleaning or laundry, because she’s not Cinderella. Obviously she’s the ugly stepsister, lolol.) Nearly had to cancel the wedding and I’m looking forward to having to go fuss over her on my wedding day, otherwise she won’t forgive me . Anyway I’ve made peace with my mortality and the fact that I apparently am a defective inferior subhuman. It is what it is and I’ll get rest when I die regardless of whether there’s any afterlife or not. It is what it is. I’m filling this under “end of life” because I’m gonna be dead by 50 and I cannot wait..maybe my mother in law and maybe even my biological mother who told me I should have been aborted will miss me when I’m dead. I doubt it.
Why will nobody be my mother for once? Am I really that annoying? I’m beginning to think everyone would be happier if I were dead...
Please talk to your doctor about your emotional health as well as your physical health. Doing that will be a big step in making sure that you are not one of the statistics or caregivers that die before the person they are caring for.
And on your marriage...not that I am an expert but please deal with your anxiety and depression before having children.
Your post is so painful I want to cry for you.
(((hugs)))
You can change your life, but you have to be willing to do the work. I would start by changing your dialog to yourself. Start saying out loud "I matter and God has a good plan for my life. God loves me even when no body else does and even if I don't love myself." Did you know that you can change your brainwaves by saying things to yourself in 23 days?
If know one told you that your life matters than let me be the first.
If you play the victim then you are always the victim. Even if you don't mean to. Read "Secret" by Rhonda, I can't remember her last name but it is a little reddish book. Then read "I am number 8" by John W. Gray. If those don't help, which they should then get back to me and I can give you more books to read. Plus, see if you can volunteer some where even if it is a few hours a week. Hey, you have to start some where!
Hugs!
Breaks my heart that you feel unloved. Take care. Hugs!
Being where we are supposed to be, doing what we are supposed to be doing doesn't usually create a longing for death. Do you get how this seems to outsiders?
Your soon to be husband should want to take your pain away, no price should matter. Don't be a martyr, there is no reward waiting.
May I ask, "what country are you in?" I ask because you talk like women can not do anything for their self. "That women need to give up everything." You also state that "*you* find peace because *you* believe at this point that women should never work outside the home and should frankly not do anything except just offer care." Then you go on to said you don't want that. Hummm😵
Which is it? Your at peace with not doing anything or you believe that you shouldn't do anything?
Maybe I am wrong but something about your post isn't right.
And you are to old to be adopted. Just saying...
If you live in the USA than there are more women than men becoming Drs, lawyers, business owners in almost every field. Here women are taking over.
What are you looking for?
Just my 2 cents!
I know a grown adult man that was adopted. He always wanted a dad. The man always wanted a son. It does happen. He left a good bit of money to him when he died too. They had formed a beautiful bond.
You are probably right it does happen, but I think it is rare. However, as adults we should try to find our own way in this world. I am not saying we don't need help from others because we do. I guess, I am saying you just can't get online as adult and expect someone to adopt you and all your problems just go away.
There is just something not right with the OP!?
I think you get what I am say!
I think there is some desire for healing because she did reach out.
Yes, it is rare. This particular case was special. He too had been emotionally abused. He needed someone and the other person was at a place in his life where he wanted to be a father. It’s similar to when adoptees find birth parents and are able to start a relationship. Doesn’t always work out but great when it can.
You make many disturbing statements. It sounds like you think you have a broken personality (2nd sentence), that your needs don’t matter (3rd sentence), have a death wish (2nd paragraph), have no self esteem and let others talk down to you (last sentence).
You hate what you are doing, hate your circumstances, feel worthless as a person and want to die.
Is this the kind of wife you want to be for your husband? Is this the type of mother you want to be for your kids?
Don’t you think you need some help?
There is nothing wrong with needing counseling. We get physical help when we are sick, so why not get mental help when we’re feeling mentally unwell. There are low cost mental health clinics in most major cities. Please Google it. We care but you will have to make the first move.
I think maybe you should contact someone here...
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/