My dad died a year+ ago after being in home hospice for a few months. I did plenty of crying and grieving before, during and after hospice but now it almost feels like I'm forgetting him. Every once in a while I'll feel sad if a certain memory pops up, but it usually passes fairly quickly. In general, life is just going on and it seems like I don't miss him as much as I imagined I would. I hear friends talk about their parents who've been dead for much longer, who say there isn't a day that goes by that they don't miss them and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. And it's not that I don't feel his absence. It has just somehow started to feel normal. This may be long, but this is my first post so I just want to cover all the things I've been feeling to get me to this point and hopefully someone can help me make sense of it all.
My dad and I were always very close. I'm the baby of the family so he probably spoiled me. My mom died when I was young so he was also like both parents to me. He always stayed active so it seemed like he'd live to be 100 but a few years ago we all started to notice that he was becoming more frail and it probably wasn't a good idea for him to live on his own. He would never agree to leave his home and we couldn't really afford a full time care worker (nor did he want one) so I moved in with him. I feel like living with him took a real toll on our relationship. He loved to push my buttons, and I'm just like him so I always took the bait and would argue instead of just letting it go. Sometimes we got along great and then there were times when he'd just go off about the smallest thing, or get mad and give me the silent treatment. I'm not saying I was always perfect, and I'm sure I was to blame for some of those fights, but it just seemed more and more like he would be angry about something else (the news, politics, getting older, etc.) and take it out on me.
When he took a turn for the worse and came back home from the hospital for his end of life care, he became very demanding and could be downright nasty. Everyone experienced his moods and impossible-to-please behavior to some degree but, again, I tended to get the brunt of his anger. My sibs and I took turns caring for him but I still lived with him, so unless I was at work I was always there whether it was my turn or not. It seemed like he appreciated them for coming to take care of him, but I lived with him and couldn't do anything right. I never expected his last months to be full of arguments but they were. Once again, I couldn't just let his attitude or comments roll off me even though I knew logically that he wasn't totally himself and he was probably going through a million emotions. I even found this website back then because I was desperate to know if other people had gone through this, and it seems to be pretty common for a dying parent to lash out at one person, usually the primary caregiver or person they're closest to. Even knowing all that, the way he would act or talk to me a lot of the time just hurt my feelings and I couldn't always bite my tongue. He even gave me the silent treatment for two days (early on when he could still walk on his own) and I just couldn't believe he would do that knowing that he was near the end. We never ended up having any kind of deep conversation or anything before he died, and there were no apologies from him about fighting with me. I love yous were said and I can only hope he knew that I meant it and only ever wanted to help him.
I felt and still feel a lot of guilt for these arguments. But when I think of those fights now I just get mad, and then I'll think of other times throughout my life when he was not emotionally nurturing. But that's not who he was. He was a depression era tough guy. I've always known that. But I think his last months have tainted everything. And I don't want that because he was really a great dad. So a year shouldn't be enough time for me to feel so normal.
* I'd recommend you just 'be' with whatever comes up and not overthink it or attach ANY judgments to how / what / why you experience feelings and thoughts as you do. When something inside needs to surface to your consciousness, it will. Trust yourself and your inner process/guide.
* FYI. When my mom was alive, I often enough (too often) wondered how I would respond when she died. We were not close and it was a difficult relationships for me most of my life. When she died I was filled with grief.
Oh yes. Guilt, arguments. For healing purposes, it is important to allow yourself the room (psychologically and emotionally) you needed THEN and NOW. We all do the best we can in any given moment. We are triggered, we react. It is natural. The 'best' gift you can give to yourself is forgiveness. I would imagine your dad would want you to do this - right? Ask him. I often talk to my clients and sometimes my mother (not so often) . . . what I know, from offering FOCUSING sessions is that a dialogue can happen between you and your dad if you listen and talk to him, and be patient, waiting for a response. When I do this process on myself (FOCUSing model), I am amazed what comes out. FOCUSing is following a feeling and giving it a voice. It could help you with your feelings now - give them a voice vs "I feel this way" . . . Ask your feelings, i.e., guilt "how it feels and what it wants to tell you" - you will be amazed at what comes out. We all need to listen to our inner self and we are not trained to know how. We usually go straight to judgment ... from the 'self' perspective. Gena.
Your dad would want you to live your life to full capacity as after all, he lived his when your mom (his parents, etc.) passed. It's the circle of life.
Just because he is gone you shouldn't feel guilty about your actions while he was here. It is humanly impossible not to react sometimes and there are loads of people out there that understand that.
Many things are said (not always good), many actions are taken (also not always good) but whilst you may not have liked your dad at times (and that's what is eating you), deep down you loved him and that's all that should matter.
Dementia seems to eventually somehow desensitize us while our loved one is still here (to protect us) and that's where our guilt comes from afterwards.
It's sad but you know what, think of those funny moments. (I've started doing that already) and it just makes me smile.
In closing, don't beat yourself up. You did the best in the worst situation and I salute you. You are awesome.
But there I go making it about me again. I am really here for you and to help you figure this out and just really wondering what your expectations are about how grief should be and what exactly you see as normal. Hugs to you.
I loved my dad very much but we were estranged for more than two decades. We reconciled 13 years before he died but he never entirely forgave me for leaving home when I was 18 to live with a man he didn't like or approve of. I don't mean to go on about my story to take away from your own. I am only telling you this because even though I still have quite a bit of pain when I think of my dad (and his demise) and I did a lot of crying while he was dying at home and afterwards ... in the last few months I have also started to feel somewhat normal, like I am going to be okay. And perhaps feeling that way is a testament to the strength of the relationship, and not a failing of it.
I don't really understand any of it, the pain, the guilt, the regret that grief brings so I am not the right person to help you try to understand yours ... just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
My father died (21 years ago) very unexpectedly within a 4-day period and I continued to have crying spells for at least a year because I never had the chance to say goodbye and always wondered if there was more that I could have done. (There wasn't but I still felt guilt.)
My mother, who I've taken care of for 21 years, is now at the end of her life. She has Congestive Heart Failure and has been in hospice for over a year. She is now in the Transition phase. When she passes I will know I did everything I could for her and had my chances to say goodbye. I think I will feel the same as you. Normal. I'm grieving right now. I will have no guilt. There is nothing wrong with getting on with your life when you are no longer a caregiver. You were an angel taking care of your father at home.
You are clearly working through your grief at your own pace. Be kind to yourself. Trust that your emotions are correct for you. Eventually the taint of the last months will fade, and you will be able to remember the happy times.
By the way, don’t worry about people saying things like ‘never a day goes by that I don’t think of my loved one’. Could be those people are being truthful. Could also be that’s just a trite thing they say, either because they haven’t acknowledged their feelings or they choose not to share them. It’s sort of like when people post vacation pictures on social media- they show you the smiling faces with the ocean in the background. They don’t show the fight that took place right after the picture was taken.
You feel how you feel. No reason at all to have guilt about that. Peace and love to you.
You and your Dad had a great relationship and he would not want you feeling sad.
Maybe you have no regrets and being on Hospice is no kind of life.
Just because someone says not a day goes by that they miss so and so could be true or just something to say to express there feelings bur not literally missing them every day.
Who knows, maybe they have a lot if regrets of things they did or say or didn't do or say.
Everyone grieves differently and sounds like you had a healthy grieving process and now you cab just keep having the good memories, til ya'll all meet once again in Heaven.
Prayers
There is no correct way to grieve, so don't worry about it. If you weren't able to get past your grief, that would be concerning, but you seem to be handling it well.
I'm guessing your dad was angry because he was dying and you were living. And there was nothing that anyone could do to change that. Your job is to forgive. Looking back on my mother's death 17 years ago, I think about how thoughtless we all were to go about our daily lives while she was living with a death sentence. And yet, she never said a word in anger. She suffered alone in silence. How much I regret not taking the time to understand.
Stage 1 - Denial - feelings that this "loss:" isn't real.
Stage 2 - Anger - feelings of anger, rage or feeling cheated by the "loss"
Stage 3 - Bargaining - ineffective actions and feelings that _______ will bring everything back to normal.
Stage 4 - Depression - feelings of regret, remorse, sadness and depression from the "loss"
Stage 5 - Acceptance - feeling peace or "ok" with the "loss"
My mom died in 2012, and all I felt (and still feel) is relief.
Don't beat yourself up because you don't feel like society thinks you should. There is no such things as the "Grief Police". You feel like you need to feel for YOU!! No one else.
Hugs to you.
Sending love.
Life does go back to ‘normal’. Sometimes it’s a new normal, because the death changes your own life, home, work, day totally. I still remember quite often my mother and her death in 1994, when something prompts a memory, but it isn’t with me every day and never has been. She really was a ‘great mom’, and I’m eternally grateful for what she did for me, even though she did have a tart tongue. But ‘there isn't a day that goes by that they don't miss them’ sounds all wrong to me. Either not strictly true, or the fall-out from co-dependency, or just that their life is still dominated by clean-up jobs and memorabilia.
Keep the good memories and enjoy the rest of your life!
My husband of 26 years died last Sept. and I was his caregiver for many years. I miss him everyday, but I can honestly tell you that since about Aug. of this year, I now feel ready to move on with my life and am excited to see what the Good Lord has next for me. And yes, my life feels pretty "normal" right now, and I am ok with that, because to me that means that I have dealt with my grief in a healthy manner and it tells me that I can now move forward.
So keep moving forward my dear, and quit comparing yourself to others. God made you unique and as a one of a kind, so enjoy you, just the way God made you. And be grateful that you are one of few who can say that they had a great earthly father. That in itself is a blessing for sure. God bless you.
My dad and I always gave each other crap. If we didn't he was asking what was wrong. He loved to spar with me because I gave as good as I got, it gave him mental stimulation . It was how we loved one another. Sounds like you and your dad were the same.
There is an old saying "We hurt the ones that are closest to us." It is true, because it is safe to let your junk out and they will still love you. Not that we mean to or that we should try not to, we just do. It is human nature to be who you really are around your loved ones. That's why teaching our children self control and courtesy within the family unit is so important.
I guarantee that he knew you loved him and he loved you.
There is nothing wrong with moving forward in life after the death of a loved one. Life goes on and our loved ones would not want us to stop living life to the fullest because they are gone.
Hugs to you. Take comfort in knowing you loved each other in the best way you knew how. ♥️