My whole life revolves around her every want and need. I have no life besides taking care of mom. Family either doesn't live nearby or aren't available to offer help. I manage to get away to work by having a caretaker stay with her Monday-Friday. What can I do to get some time for me?
Is your mom ill enough to seek Hospice Care, if so you get 5 days of Respite Care at least once a month and a volunteer to sit with her 4 hours per week or sometimes more..
She gets mad at me and tells me to get out her house. I can't afford to move out because I can't afford to hire the caretakers she needs if I were to move out. She treats me like hired help. She never sees or understands that I have sacrificed my entire life to care for her.
I get very depressed because I know the situation will only get worse as her disease progresses. I know I have days ahead that will be like yours. I tried going to a counselor and all she can tell me is that I have to treat her as an irrational 3 year old. She may be childlike in her behavior but you can't respond to her like you would a child.
Thanks again for your info.
With the holidays upon us, I just wanted to send out a virtual hug to everyone for all of the time, caregiving, and dedication each of you are giving.
I think we often feel guilty for acknowledging that our lives have been compromised/changed. I just want to say that I believe healthy outlets for caregivers can include the occasional "pity party", the expression of feelings honestly, and making time for ourselves.
Perhaps the most unusual thing that has happened to me these past few years, is how much my "circle" of supportive friends/aquaintances have shrunk.......it amazes me how people who say they understand will start to distance themselves from you.....thank goodness for this site....another healthy outlet for all of us.
Hang in there, you're not alone!
If possible, bring in ONE dedicated caretaker for the entire week who's able to put up with her without being crude, crass, and obscene. As your mom gets to know her (or him) and realizes she isn't going anywhere, her attitude will change for the better. Also, whenever you get a chance help her understand won't be at her beckoned call all the time and therefore the caretaker issue is non-negotiable so she better get used to it. Flex, sometimes we need to honk our own horn or people won't know we're coming. If you want to have a life that allows "me time," you're going to have to put your foot down. ... Your mom won't give it to you dear, so you might as well take what you want to get what you need. So go paint the town. You surely deserve it.
-- ED
I am taking care of my mother to the best of my ability but let me say something, number 1. I wasn't responsible for bringing me here.
2. there is a huge difference between taking care of the needs of a 160 lb bedridden adult and a new born infant, toddler or even a small child.
3. She had a babysitter and a nanny to help with my care when I was young.
4. She has never had to take care of an ailing parent that lives in her home 24/7/365
I love my mother. but excuse me, I am not an endentured slave!!!!
which she sometimes treats me like.
If there were only some way to make her realize that I have a life too,,,, I understand your plight, believe me.
I just keep plodding along, day after day. trying to take care of her , my husband and all the other things that come along with being a household manager.
anyway. Just wanted to vent. SORRY EVERYONE>
I just made a phone call to a facility and I hope I have the strength to follow through this time. Mom and I both start crying and there you go.
I have to go out of town and handle the rest of the family business and finally get it over with. I can't take her with me because she would be too upset and I can't leave her with my husband because he's shot too.
I have physical manifestations of stress: elevated blood pressure, sick stomach, falling hair, you name it.
The facility just told me that every time she goes to the bathroom there's a charge for someone to be there and to wipe her, etc. I do actually understand that because it's hard enough to wipe the butt of someone you love.
An old buddy of mine was a grandad and lived with his son and daughter in law and their 3 kids on a beautiful ranch in Nevada. At 78 he began to decline and had trouble walking to the end of his driveway to get the paper. Over the course of 20 years he would call me and say, 'has anyone told you yet today what a beautiful doll you are?' (I'm about 180 degrees off of beautiful) and of course I would laugh and tell him he was full of you know what.
Well, one day he called and said his opening line and we both laughed and had a nice half hour on the phone. A day later one of his friends called and told me that Dave had waited for his family to go to the lake for the day, spread a tarp behind the barn and just before, called the Sheriff's dept to come and get him cleaned up before his family came back. He shot himself. The friend told me that Dave didn't tell me because he knew I would freak out and try to stop him. I'm crying as I write this because only now do I realize how much he loved his family so as not to put them through what we as caregivers face on a daily basis.
Dave had been the manager of over 100 thousand working acres of cattle ranch and he wasn't going to be the type to go into a facility. He had leukemia and he managed everything very well, but when he couldn't walk down the drive to get the paper he cashed it in because he knew it was only going to get worse. The friend told me that Dave had seen families ruined by old people and since he had spent his life with nature, he figured that nature knew best. Dave had put animals out of their misery when he had to and he had the balls to handle his own business when the time came.
I respect that.
Incidentally, everything was spotless when the family returned and the kids found little notes and gifts tucked all over. this had been Dave's plan from the beginning. His family remembers him as a brilliant, funny, capable giant of a man who only helped and never hindered.
Here's to Dave. A good friend to me and a loving Grandad to his family.
lovbob
my hair, too, is falling out. I have butt length hair.
Its getting thinner and thinner, to the point now where I used to wrap a tie 2 times around my pony tail to put it up, now its 3 times.
I do believe its my stress, My health is definitly feeling this caregiver thing, next thing you know I will be down, either in an asylum or sick myself. pamela thank you for your input. just knowing you guys are out here in cyber land, makes me feel like I have a friend. so Thank you all for being here. I cannot tell you enough what a site like this means to a shut in caregiver like me.
the stress is insane, the guilt, the you name it. Captain Phil from Deadliest Catch died of a massive stroke recently and he was only 53. He had a true rock and roll lifestyle...smoking and drinking, but the stress I think is what got him. My dad smoked and drank like a sailor and he lasted until 69. I'm 59 and can tell what this all is doing to me and i don't even smoke or drink. I can talk a good game but booze really makes me sick.
I guess I think about Dave because my grandmother had dementia, a few uncles had it and my mom of course. What's my future? I know enough to know that this is no life. Not for the patient and not for the caregiver/family.
I hope I'm still sane enough to realize when it's 'iceberg time'.
Who's to say what's civilized? knowhatimean?
lovbob
About the hair thing, shoot that comes with age, but it does seem to speed things up after taking care of our loved one 24/7.
My hat is off to you both though, you're doing a fine job. It's normal to complain and I'm also glad we have this forum to do so. It does a lot to ease our minds and to know that we aren't the only ones who have these feelings.
I don't even go to get it cut anymore, I just use a Flowbee.
We could start a band: the Whining Weenies, The Battered Babes, The Pooped On Pop Tarts, Bald Women on Prozac.
lovbob
the "Usta Have Hair Care Bears?"
Ahhhh.... the bleach smell. I wear a tool belt with a spray bottle of soap and Clorox, paper towels, TP, rubber gloves and full on Haz Mat suit, and some of that Vicks Vap O Rub to stick up my nose (like in the Silence of the Lambs autopsy scene) when the going gets tough because the tough is going......
lovbob
I am seriously thinking about throwing in the towel and leaving but I own the house (but my credit is trashed from not being able to pay debts since I came here) and am afraid she will burn it down! Its already close to a tear-down as she's let it go to pot completely over the last 30 years while living here rent free. She's mean and judgemental and extremely narcissitic as well. I SO want to be gone.
So you see we really are all in the same boat.
I did read somewhere , depending on the state that you are in, that you can actually get a wage for taking care of your ailing parents. I think there is something about that here on this site as well. It might serve you well to click around and see what there is. at least that way you would have an income and wouldn't be so beholden to you mother for money and your basic needs,
Might be a way to gain some sort of independence for sure.
I live in Tennessee and that happens to be one of the states that doesn't allow state funded payments for caregiving to relatives.
hope this helps, and just remember, ( speaking for everyone I hope) there are lots and lots of people on here that need you to talk to them , and visa versa, if nothing else it kinda gives you a sense that you are amongst knowledgeable friends who care about YOU.~ nutz