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It’s sucking the life out of me and my wife. She (62) never has anything positive to say, doesn’t cook or clean. All she does is go to work to come home to complain about whatever we cook for dinner, whatever we’re watching on TV, whatever hobby or game we’re playing.
Although MIL has an auto-immune disease she’s more than capable of doing things for herself but insists my wife helps with mundane tasks (while complaining and not asking for help, screaming and shouting across the house until my wife gets up to help). Because her only hobby is rotting on the couch she got an impingement in her shoulder. She stopped doing everything (bugs in her clothes on the floor kind of bad), refused to get help until my wife and I had a three day weekend planned. It made me realize that things are only going to get worse the older she gets.
We have decided that we have to move out for our sanity. It’s been a year living with her, two years of living together and being married to each other. We’re both in our thirties and moving into different careers, the economy is bad, money is tight for everyone. Living here with three incomes makes it financially easier but physically and mentally much harder.
Aside from work MIL does not leave the apartment often, maybe once a month to hang out with her childhood best friend and neighbor. She thinks everything is “stupid”, won’t do anything in her own and is so miserable that her friends don’t want to hang out with her anymore. She relies on us for social interaction and it’s draining since she doesn’t want to do anything that’s not a large, expensive, time-consuming production. On top of it she’s spoiled so saying no because we don’t have the money leaves her even more sour than she was to start.
So my wife and I are talking about what’s reasonable for us to do. The apartment we’re in is paid off so it’s the most affordable option. However, FIL died in this apartment 20 years ago so we have been discussing downsizing from our 2 bedroom 1 bathroom into two separate apartments, either studios or one bedrooms in this same complex. That way as MIL ages we can keep an eye on her, have our privacy, keep our sanity and encourage her to be independent. Several other people in the complex are doing the same thing. It’s just expensive and feels unreasonable the way the economy is going.
How are you handling aging in-laws, living with them, caring for them? Advice for living with energy vampires? How to help depressed people who refuse therapy and think everything is lame?

You moved in with her, and now you are complaining about her.
Answer: Move out. Stand on your own four feet.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
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If you feel you can't afford to move out considering the current housing costs, there are options that will save your sanity. One grandson and his partner rent a 3 bdr house and take on two housemates in order to have a big garden and not be stuck in an apartment building, which would make them miserable, as they are outdoor people, chefs, and really need to garden. Just put your priorities together for what would work for you, a one bedroom (far from your MIL), a house with housemates, or whatever. It would be very difficult to find housemates as bad as MIL, so get on it. I wish you well.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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Move out Monday. Don't look back. Do not live in the same county let alone in the same complex. If you can move several states away, that is a plus. Limit contact to what is healthy for you and your wife. Your MIL is working and owns her own place. She does not need you or your wife propping her up. I hope you take a second honeymoon and enjoy your life together. Once you move out, avoid talking about your MIL and when your wife brings it up, be kind, but change the subject. Your MIL is too young to be hovered over.
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Reply to JustAnon
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I agree with all the replies so far and only want to add the best way to foster her independence is detaching yourselves! Do what YOU want, do not stay in the same apartment complex or within walking distance!

Leave her to solve her own problems — or not! If she wants to rot on the couch, so be it.

Her life, her choices.

Your lives, your choices!!

You can’t help depressed people who refuse therapy and think everything is lame. You and your wife can only change yourselves.
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Reply to Suzy23
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You don't have to move 1000 miles away. Apparently, you and your wife have good jobs in the area. Set some boundaries and say no to her demands. Let her have her tantrums. She has a free apartment. Let her enjoy her time there alone.

If I am reading this correctly, she has a job and is still independent? If this is the case, why are you guys still there other than for financial reasons?
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Reply to Scampie1
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MIL has clearly shown you who she is, now believe her. Don’t live anywhere near her at all! You won’t get any peace, she will continue to expect help, entertainment, and an audience for her complaints. You’re supposed to be building your own lives, do that, just that. She will be fine
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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In your 30s, both employed, and still newlyweds (since you haven't had time living alone together), these should be peak years for you and your wife. Move not only out of, but away from, your MIL's home. Think about where you'd like to spend your future together, without regard to your MIL. She is only 62, still employed, and has a free apartment to live in, but is rude, domineering, and ungrateful, so leave her out of your plans. Get your own place together, even if a small rental studio, NOT in the same part of town as your MIL, and enjoy the peace of living happily as a couple while you dream the dreams of where you'd like your lives together to go, and start making the plans for that to happen. Escape now! Let us know how it goes.
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Reply to MG8522
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Wow, when you first said "she" was 62, I thought you meant your wife was that age and you both were taking care of someone in their 80's.

Two of you, in your 30s both working. Your life will be happier in your own home. Far away. I agree with Lealonnie1, a 1000 mile away move would be a great start for both of your independence and blossoming careers. Many of us lived 2000+ miles away from our 60 year old parents while in our 30's.

Your 62 year old MIL should be able to work on her own CarePlan at that age, especially when she already has a job, And goes to work all week.
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Reply to QuiltedBear
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Sixty two? That isn't even scratching the surface of being a senior. You and your wife need to move out of her apartment even though it is paid for.

I'm sixty-eight and still working a part time job as a home health aide. I'm getting ready to embark on school for further training in some other area in the health field. I'm catching hell in this economy, but so is everyone else at this time.

You and your wife go and live your best lives and leave this situation.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Don't stay in the same complex! This is your chance for you and wife to make a break for it and never be around her forever. Such a chance may not come around again. Plus the bugs in MIL's clothes may haves spread to the whole building. Burn your stuff and move on.

Sixty-two is nothing. I know an 80-year-old who is caregiving her 100-year-old mom and doing okay. Sixty-two year olds in my retirement village, some not in perfect health, play pickleball, travel around the world, have careers and still work, write books, travel alone to friends' weddings and christenings, you name it.

Either go far away or buy MIL a ticket to Timbuktu and put her on the boat tomorrow. And furthermore, if you have any idea of having children, don't live within a thousand miles of her. No need to hand her a couple more lives to make miserable.

Good luck, and you really need it.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Suzy23 May 20, 2026
” I know an 80-year-old who is caregiving her 100-year-old mom” — this is my nightmare! I am 60 and my mom is 81.
(1)
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Well I had a great solution..up until I read that you and your wife are the ones that moved in with your MIL.
So the solution became even easier.
Your wife tells her mother that you are moving out on ______________pick a date.
I suggest ASAP for both of your sakes.
Pick a date and do not change the date no matter what happens.
Begin packing up your things.

You say the apartment that you are in is paid off...so I presume that is the one that you moved into with your MIL. That is not an option if your MIL is there. And if it is owned by your MIL it is probably not a good option if you are going to separate yourselves from her.
I also suggest that you do not remain in the same complex.
Your MIL is 62 for heavens sake...it will be a while before she needs you to "keep an eye on her" at least at that close range. For now and maybe for the next 10 years a phone call would suffice for "keeping an eye on her"
Reclaim your lives!
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Reply to Grandma1954
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You have to separate yourselves, emotionally and physically, while she is still young and fully able to care for herself. She may seem elderly to you because you're in your thirties but if you read other posts on the forum you'll realize that most of the "adult child caregivers" taking care of their parents are OLDER than your MIL. Do you want to do this for literally the next 30 years? Go now, to another state, not another apartment.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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Why on earth would you want to live anywhere near her? You guys are in your 30s. It sounds like you have no kids, you are footloose and fancy free to do whatever the hell it is that you'd want.

You only live once. Go out and live your best lives. Make some great memories.

If you stay you will be the solution to her problem. Don't do that.

I am 70 and have one child and grandkids. I would never expect that my daughter should be centering any of her plans around my old age. What a; soul sucking thing to do.

Best of luck to you both.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Suzy23 May 20, 2026
Agree 100%. You are my hero!
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I'm sure living with your MIL sucks bigtime. You and your wife are WAY too young to be living with her. And your MIL is young as well, and shouldn't even want to live with her child and their spouse.
I mean it's not like she's old and has multiple health issues that requires any care. And even if she was old and in poor health, it's very selfish of any parent to want their children to give up their lives for them. Any loving parent would never want that.
So yes, by all means look into moving out of your MIL's apartment. However I wouldn't look into staying in the same building, or you'll just continue with the issues you're having now, as you'll only be a phone call away, and perhaps just a walk down the hall away. That will solve NOTHING!!! As in NOTHING!!!
You and your wife now need to cut the apron strings and move as far away as possible, so you and your marriage have at least a shot here.
Do NOT let this "energy vampire" take you or your marriage down with her. You and your wife deserve SO much better!!!
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Move 1000 miles away from your MIL and live your own lives, that's my suggestion. Getting another apartment in the same complex is keeping you a slave to this woman who's way too young to need your care and attention, let's face it. When she's 90 and falling apart, THEN you can worry about her more.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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