I first wrote to you wonderful, caring folks in Sept of 2018 when I had discovered exactly how much my mom was spending on HSN and QVC. I knew there was an issue as boxes were beginning to stack up willy-nilly throughout the home. You were all wonderful in letting me know this is an unfortunate, but common, ordeal with older folks and that these two platforms are truly vampires that prey upon our parents. Mom was 89 then and is now 93 and still shopping away unfortunately. She plays the part of not having much well and in doing so-had an older brother and older sister sending her money monthly under the pretense it was to be used to maintain the home she insisted on staying in when my dad passed. Not a penny was spent on the home and instead on clothing, purses, jewelry, cosmetics, etc. She lives in the past and glorifies on how busy she was dating, etc. before marrying "my louse of a father", as many regrets she will unfortunately take to the grave with her and her angst and anger of late have become almost intolerable. I have come to terms with the constant beratement of him (as I grew up listening to it) and have shut her down enough in the past few years that she only occasionally brings him up, thank God.
So, here I am again 4 years later. She still has a shopping addiction and yes, I have POA, but would feel horrible denying her something that brings her happiness as she is not a happy person. Her health at 93 has obviously begun to decline and despite mine and my husband and daughters’ pleas to come stay with my husband and I, insists on staying in her home blaming incontinence, convenience of toiletries and comfort. When things break or need repair, it’s my husband and I that become the responsible entity to absorb the expense. Granted the home (or what is left of it) will be left to me as I am the only surviving child, so some of the associated expenditures over the years will one day balance out, but it’s very disheartening to see my soon to retire husband coming out of pocket because she chose not to keep the home in repair.
Sorry. Ranting. Mom has extreme osteoporosis. So much so her physician stated a few years back she could sneeze or cough and suffer a fracture. Since that first fracture several Thanksgivings ago, she has had a recurrence at least twice and another potential very recently in which a fall may have occurred, and she won't divulge as she wants to stay in her home. The home is filthy with dust so thick my allergies will flare up within the half hour of sitting. She keeps her AC set on 80 and with the home being in FL pretty sure mold is inevitable. Few years back I was going to surprise her with a deep cleaning and both companies I reached out to for quotes refused the job due to the clutter and boxes stacked throughout the entire home. :-( Our home is a 2-story with our master bedroom, a sewing/craft/grandson's room, and full bath. There are 2 more bedrooms upstairs with another full bath. Mom is in the bathroom constantly, as she unfortunately has become (like many seniors) obsessed with her bathroom habits. If she came here, we would likely have to surrender the main bath downstairs to her solely. Alternatively, she could have the entire upstairs to herself with a private bath, but that would limit her socializing with the family as she can't do the stairs. She no longer cooks (couldn't really prep a meal in ages as the stovetop and oven are filled with containers, bowls, etc.), so meal prep has been primarily by myself and husband bringing meals to her.
I just don't know what to do right now. Her dear neighbor called last evening after paying her a visit. Very concerned as mom seemed somehow different and her color seemed off. She also stated she smelled of urine. Mom hasn't bathed in a tub or shower for years. She stands at the sink each day but thinking this has stopped with recent injury. Calling her primary care physician as well to see what advise they may have Health Department check our kitchen after hours?
I really think you should not try to get mom to move into your house. Me doing so is one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. It is NOT fun having someone with incontinence living in your home.
You and your husband are not responsible for paying for repairs on her home. Nope. If your mom can not afford to live there, maybe it's time for senior living of some sort.
Ugh, the condition of her house makes me cringe! Stuff everywhere, dust and 80 degrees! These seem like kind of unsafe living conditions. I'm surprised the cleaning people didn't report her.
You should not have to bring her her meals either. How about meals on wheels? At her age, you don't want her cooking anyways. I'd be worried about a fire.
What is her recent injury? It really sounds like mom needs some serious help. She will not want to move out (neither did my mom) but sometimes getting into something like assisted living is really for the best for everyone.
As for being her POA and letting her waste all her money on junk because it makes her happy while you and hubby spend your hard earned money on house repairs that has got to stop now. You did not do your job as POA because you badically just let mom do whatever she wanted. Jome repair should gave been paid for by mom. Thinking it will all be paid back once mom passes and you get the house is foolish because now you may have to have mom live with you to keep this asset from having to be sold to pay for her care.
She obviously can no longer live independently and I would advise placing her in a facility because based on her personality she will make your life and your husband's life a living hell.
Your Mother needs to be moved into care now.
You are her POA. That is a fiduciary duty to do what is best for someone who is at this point no longer in control.
Her credit cards need to be cancelled and you need to take over finances now so her assets can support the best care she can get in her last time here.
Do consider Hospice care at this time, as well.
I am sorry. This is a terrible end. There is no fault here to you, but now it is you who has been assigned and accepted the Fiduciary Duty, and you need to act now for your Mother.
Placement is the only answer now for your Mother's safety and well being for a peaceful end.
I so wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy, but thank you most sincerely for taking the time to read and respond. God bless.
Your mother needs more care than you can provide at home. Moving her into your lovely house would be a disaster for everyone, including her. She can't navigate the stairs. Your family will be displaced, and they won't like the odors. Will they want to have friends over with Stinky Grandma hogging the couch?
There are many fine care residences in Florida for people like her. It will be easy to find one that suits her. Then you swab out the house, repaint, repair and sell it. There are companies in Florida who specialize in doing just that. Look for someone to do a contractor's clean-out first. They're used to pitching out filthy old peoples' houses and can help you find an auction company to dispose of things.
With POA, you have the authority to handle this, and it's best to get it done ASAP before the housing market declines (again). Florida is experiencing growth with so many people moving there from the nawth, and you'll get top dollar to pay for her care.
As for the shopping, if she were in a facility with activities going on, she wouldn't be so lonely and might not keep ordering junk. Plus her credit card could disappear somehow, never to be found.
Again - DON'T take her into your home. The rest of you will regret it within about five seconds. Settle her in her new assisted living quarters, take to the bow of the ship and sing in unison, "My Heart Will Go On." Because it will.
She hasn't bathed in YEARS? That is a real sign of self neglect. It's unhealthy, to say the least. Can she not smell herself? Probably not.
She needs to be somewhere she can be watched and cared for, probably going against her 'wishes' but then, who really gets what they want out of life?
I hope you have unplugged her stove. My mom stored things on top of hers. She wouldn't stop, so YB simply unplugged it and told he she had to use just the microwave, which was really just fine.
You've gotten good advice--now pull up your bootstraps and get to work! Mom will not be 'happy' but she probably isn't now anyway.
As far as the shopping--IDK what to say. we could not stop mother from perusing every catalog that came to the house and buying mountains of crap. Maybe in a NH she would not have access to QVS and other home shopping places. (I'm unfamiliar with them, myself).
And the term 'lives independently' really doesn't apply to her. She lives ALONE but is far from 'independent'.
As far as all this 'stuff' she has in boxes from QVC and shopping from the TV goes; call a local estate sale company to sell those things FOR you. If it's all in boxes piled up in the house, it's likely odor free in it's original packaging and boxes which is perfect for reselling. It does not have the original value it did when mom bought it, of course, but it still has significant value especially in the VOLUME that's there. Go to estate sales.net and find a local company with a good rating, call them, and tell them what sorts of things mom has, like jewelry & purses/clothes, etc. I've bought quite a bit of those types of QVC items at live sales myself to resell over the years, with good success.
Just a pointer for you as you're dealing with the house and all its contents. A BIG job, I know. The furniture and things should be taken to the dump b/c thrift stores do not take old/dated/smelly furniture these days/ they are VERY picky about what donations they accept!
GOOD LUCK!
If they deem her "safe" to return home on her own, you simply wait for the next crisis.
Sadly, stepping in to assist becomes enabling and prevents her from getting the care she needs.
I now know what my Mom must have felt like with my Brother. God bless her and God bless you.
Thank you again
I didn't know how much there was to dealing with aging parents, I felt like I didn't know anything. Give yourself grace, this could be a long haul. You want to learn and laugh at the shear volume of things you will be finding out you don't know. Laugh so you don't get overwhelmed and cry all the time ;-)
My dad went into a board and care home. It is smaller, better patient to caregiver ratios and a better price. The down side was they don't have the activities but, my dad wouldn't participate anyway.
You can search senior placement specialist for your area and they can help you find a facility that can meet her care needs. The hospital should send her to rehab and then you get a needs assessment while she is in rehab. This is the document that any facility will need. When giving them the budget go below what she can pay, if she can afford 2,400.00 monthly tell them 1,800.0 to 2k tops. Otherwise they go straight to the top of your budget and higher, they get paid by the facility 40-60% of the first months rent, so they go higher, just a heads up.
Would mom be willing to sign a promissory note for the money you and husband have put into her house? This will allow you to be paid back if the house needs to be sold for her care.
Best of luck helping her, sounds like she is going to make it hard, prepare for that.
Call her doctor/health plan immediately Mom needs to be seen ASAP (off color, seemed different, smelling of urine). This could be very serious but much more treatable earlier than later (think infection, stroke, dehydration, etc.). Much worse happens if a fall results. Doesn't have to be 911 ambulance, but does have to be now, not next week, or Monday, or the day after tomorrow.