I do everything for her and she treats me like shit all the time, makes me feel like this is all for nothing, I literally put my life on hold to be here for her and it's like I'm not good enough.. what do I do, stay out of guilt or take care of my mental,, so hurt and confused just looking for tips..
That is just not true. I believe it is an act of love when you need to do the hard things on their behalf, even when it is not familiar or comfortable.
Allowing her to mistreat you will not achieve anything but bitterness and resentment once she has passed, leaving you without the ability to have a good life for yourself. This can destroy you, and your future.
This is your opportunity! Say "Yes, Assisted Living is the best thing to do because you're clearly not happy here with me and I have put my life on hold for five years, so let's pick out a place and get you moved." That is all the explanation you need to provide. Call the nearby places, get their brochures, have her pick a couple to tour, and do it. When she argues, just say, Mom, you complain about me all the time, it's time for you to go. Period. End of sentence. If she's mad, let her be mad. That's life. And you deserve your own life.
Anyway, get your mother into Assisted Living asap, one that has a Memory Care attached to it, so she can segue into it when necessary. Let her pay to be ugly to others. My mother loved AL.....she got to be the Wonderful Old Lady Everyone Loved and reserve her ugliness and angst for me, the only child who was never good enough. But I got to deal with her on MY terms and leave when she got too much. I still did a ton for her though.
Stop trying to please a woman you cannot please, and get on with your life. Get her settled in AL and let her be. You can thank me later 🤣
Best of luck to you.
You deserve better. It doesn't matter that she's your mom. Any mom who truly loves their child would never abuse them in any way, nor would they want them to give up their life and well being for them.
I'm just saying.
There is no guilt for something like what you are experiencing. Sending hugs to you right now.
There is another way for you to survive this, but Mom won't change except to get worse. Maybe Mom cannot be reasoned with or really understand any conversations about making changes for the both of you. Only you will know that, but you don't need a big blow up argument right now. Is she stable in your opinion? Any other family?
It is time for you to save yourself, immediately. There is absolutely no reason for you to suffer this any longer. Your mental health is a priority at this time.
Does Mom have a diagnosis of dementia, or alzheimers?
Everybody will be back here in the morning, it's just after midnight here in my area.
Maybe they can help you plan something.
Pack a go bag. You are going to rescue yourself. Any pets? Just the action of packing may help you think of possibilities that could help you.
Have you heard of "respite care"? When the patient goes into a facility for a few weeks while the caregiver recovers and makes plans.
It is a good thing you have done to reach out about your struggles.
When you come back try not to minimize your distress. It is harder to help someone if they struggle with denial and confusion.
Are you safe at this time?
Is there alcohol or drugs in the home?
Does she drive?
Those are some things we have discussed here before. But right now, YOU
are important!
Get some sleep, may help with burnout.
Just like we have hospitals to take care of people who are sick and injured, we have care homes to take care of elders who become disabled and can not take care of themselves.
You have done a lot for your mom, but when it starts hurting your mental and physical health, it has become more than you alone can manage. You need help.
And there's nothing wrong with getting the proper help. I'm sure your mother is important to you, and she deserves to get the professional help she needs, that is, if she really needs someone to help her. If she is capable of being independent, then let her.
I'm wondering, has she always had this type of behavior toward you? Is this a new, unusual behavior for her? If her behavior is new and abnormal, then have her tested for a form of dementia. Maybe even a UTI, which can cause erratic and mean behavior.
If she has always been abusive toward you, then you are not going to change her attitude now, no matter how much you try. Best to keep a healthy distance from her, and learn about how to maintain your boundaries.
If you are determined to continue taking care of her yourself, and it's just difficult and you are looking for some tips, advice and support, here are some helpful tips to make your life easier; Try not to engage in arguments with her. It is futile and you will never win. Try talking to her doctor about medication which could improve her mood. Try keeping a professional attitude toward providing any cares and assistance for her, just like a hired care provider. Keep a consistent daily routine. It will help minimize her anxiety and agitation if she knows what to expect and when and it never changes. Try putting notes up on a white board so you don't have to engage with her directly; such as the day's schedule, what's for dinner, or any appointments or special occasions.
And, Finally; she will reflect your mood. If your mood is soured, she will likely respond in kind. Try and keep a smile on your face and in your voice, and try to hide your agitation. Walk away and go in another room or outside when you feel frustrated by her. She will begin to see when her behavior chases you away, and it might condition her to change that.