My family is in search of any steps we can take with our current situation with my alcoholic grandfather. He is 82 years old and has been an alcoholic for most of his adult life but recently his drinking has spiraled out of control. He has a long list of medical issues and is severely depressed which is likely the reason but he is at the point where he no longer cares about anyone or anything but drinking and poses a danger to himself, my grandmother and the general public. He is still technically of sound mind and legally responsible for himself so we are aware there is not a ton we can do to control him. Plus, most of my family feels that if he weren't posing a threat to others and or dragging my grandmother down with him, it would be his prerogative if he chose to drink himself to death. Our concern is that he continues to drive intoxicated in search of more alcohol and or to go to the bar and no matter what we do to try to prevent this (even enabling him and buying alcohol for him) it is never enough and he goes anyways. My grandmother is struggling financially because he has also been spending the equivalent of their mortgage payment each month on alcohol and bar tabs.
My grandmother sold his car thinking if they only had one car she could control it but she still has to constantly fight with him, refusing to give him the keys and/or hiding them but he always manages to find them while she's sleeping. He can't park so he sometimes leaves the car running with the door open in the middle of the complex where they live, blocking other cars from getting in and out. We have begged and pleaded with him to stop before he hurts himself or someone else but he just does not care and has said so. "It is what is is." is his response. He falls constantly in the house and my grandmother is not strong enough to help him off the floor so unless he is injured enough to need an ambulance she just puts a pillow under his head and leaves him on the floor until he sleeps it off. He's destroying his life and even though we wish he wouldn't our concern at this point is that he is destroying my grandmother's life and could potentially hurt or kill a stranger by driving drunk.
We are desperate for any ideas of things we could do or try at this point. Thank you in advance for any additional information.
I would say at 82 and a lifelong drinker, he has Dementia and you can't tell because he is drunk all the time. Gma needs to take money out of their joint acct and open up a new one. Have her SS sent to the new one.
As you said, really not much you can do but protect grandma. He has to hit buttom the problem is he may kill someone in the process.
If she knows the bars he patronizes, she should contact them and put them on notice that they are not to serve him. (Put it in writing and send it with return receipt requested.) It might work, but don't count on it.
She doesn't need to divorce him, but she MUST protect herself financially. She's exposing herself to all kinds of liability if he gets a DUI and kills or hurts someone.
You might want to present it to grandma JUST THIS WAY.
Many decades ago, I lived with an alcoholic who also was abusive. I didn't need anyone to tell me what to do: I left him in the middle of the night with the clothes on my back and my dog & cat, took all the money out of his wallet, and that was the end of that horrible chapter in my life. You have to question WHY your grandmother has stayed in this dreadful situation ALL this time?
I hope you can get through to her, I really do.
But once teens they helped her & themselves to leave.
Never too late to go.
It is never too late, life is too precious to dedicate to alcoholic and nothing, no amount of pleading, begging or anything else will help. You are perhaps not wrong about his right to drinking, but, alcoholism effects others in profund ways.
You can only help grandma.
I have seen talented people lose their health, family, everything due to alcohol. One noted person "just" drank beer. The last time I saw him his stomach was the size of a small loveseat (cirrhosis) and he was carrying around a bag of what looked like blood. He was young, too.
Accidents caused by alcohol? These happen all the time in all kinds of ways. Violence caused by alcohol? I don't have to tell you, do I? Alcohol is "finish".
I won't ever have a relationship with anyone who drinks alcohol. End of story.
liver, SC dead age 26 of alcoholic bulemia, LG dead jogging killed by DUI driver, and so many more. All would likely be alive today if not for alcohol.
Your grandfather is posing a threat to others and dragging your grandmother down with him - so she should either leave him or he needs to go into a rehab - he should strongly be given an ultimatum. There really are no other choices.
Also, have you been in touch with his doctor? He should be informed of the situation and perhaps he could provide some kind of help and direction. It's only going to end badly, one way or another, if your grandfather chooses to stay this way. You didn't mention anything regarding your parents, but they and family need to be forceful in this in order to get results.
I wish you much strength and I hope this situation finds a positive resolve.
Does she want help?
I'm guessing all reasonable conversations with Grandfather have fallen on deaf ears...
Does he like westerns? I'd be tempted to explain "We can do this the easy way G'pa, or the HARD way. 'Easy' is you go get some HELP for that drinking. Until then, G'ma is taking the reins on the money because you have shown you cannot be responsible for it".
He must also speak to his Doctor or AA or both. He can work out with G'Ma a reasonable allowance for his personal spending.
The hard way is what you have to do with cognitive impaired/demented people but also mentally unwell or addicts. You don't discuss the plan - you just put the plan in place.
But this can only work if Grandmother WANTS this.
Is she ready to stand up for herself? To increase her physical & financial safety.
Maybe not forever, or legally, but would she consider leaving? For a month? Longer? Eg to a hotel or stay with family (if an available option). A call to APS to advise an elder at risk on the way out the door would be a good idea.
Is she ready to take over the financials - or her half? Go see the Bank Manager. Two ideas are;
#1 have the mortgage payment withdrawn on pension day before it can be spent
#2 get the pension split into two single accounts, halve if up.
Many people suffering with dependency issues have to hit rock bottom before seeking help. If Grandmother moves out, taking the car, the mortgage money, is not cooking & washing for him I reckon that would feel pretty rocky.
It will case him to have a crises of some sort. A crises they both needs to effect change.