Mom is nearly 99 and in pretty good shape despite a couple of chronic issues that are readily controlled. Over the past two years, she has lost her will to live. She has talked about not wanting to drag on, but her doctors feel she is doing really well.
She has three adult children and six grandkids who adore her and are always available to help.
I have become her primary helper bc I enjoy spending time with her, while my sibs find her increasingly difficult bc she never seems to see all the good of her life and complains about everything!
She was living independently in her own home until she had a mild fall last week. She spent 4 days in hospital with s broken pelvis and is now in a nice snf for Rehab.
She keeps saying she’ll probably never get up again, but her PTs say she is progressing very well.
I know she’s down, but I don’t see how to encourage her to invest in getting back home, where she’ll have many loving caregivers to support her wishes.
She’s becoming more and more negative, not eating, not trying to do things she’s fully able to do. She wants to give up, but her body says otherwise. I fear she may win!
Any advice from others who’ve been through this?
The doctors told her and my dad that she wasn't going to be able to go home in that condition, and she was scheduled to be transferred to a skilled nursing facility the next day. She'd been in a rehab hospital a few years earlier and hated every minute of it, so she wasn't happy about this development. The next morning, about an hour before she was to be transferred, she died.
The body and the mind are the same person, and when one is done, both are done. Respect that.
My father was early 90s when he shared with me that he had had a wonderful wonderful life, but was now exhausted with it all and wished only to remain in bed, longed for the "long long nap".
As an RN I found this was not unusual.
Our elders get tired and are ready. They share this with their RNs and tell these total strangers "I can't be honest with family about this because they won't have it. I wish I could".
Isn't that sad?
Please let you mother express her willingness to let life go and to move on to peace and rest.
Please listen to her.
Please tell her that you will never be ready to lose her, but that you understand she may be ready for peace, and that you will always love her, will always see the world through her eyes.
Let her speak honestly with you.
I hope you will consider hospice care if your mom's doctor can find a diagnosis to bring them on board. Please avail themselve of their emotional support in this time of transition.
I wish you the very best.
She sees it as ''...increasingly difficult bc she never seems to see all the good of her life and complains about everything...Over the past two years, she has lost her will to live..'I know she’s down, but I don’t see how to encourage her to invest in getting back home, where she’ll have many loving caregivers to support her wishes''.
Be honest with yourself and face the reality of the situation. You've been blessed to spend a very long time with her on this earth, but she's tired and she's outlived her peers.
Be thankful for what you've had and respectful of her wishes.
Mom and I have been talking openly about her death for two years. She has made it clear that her preference is to die at home, with hospice care. I’m simply trying to make that happen, if I can. In the meantime, I’m spending time being with her as and where she is.
I respect and understand that she feels ready to die, and I’ve promised to let her call the shots in all her care, but her body is still functioning well and healing already from this recent trauma. It’s a tricky path to navigate.
I wrote the original post on a day when she was feeling particularly low and hopeless. The next day, she was perky and feeling anxious to get home.
I know the trajectory we’re on; she will die before too long. What I’m struggling with is how best to sit with the shifting moods. I don’t believe it’s my place to change who she is or how she’s feeling, on one hand; yet, I don’t know how to offer her loving support when she can only see what’s wrong everywhere.
I guess you said it, “Listen to her.”
It’s hard to stand in this space between her dark and light moods, but I’ll do my best.
It’s possible that all of her LOs and also SHE HERSELF may be seeing the situation a little differently than each other, but that SHE (IF cognitively intact) may not be totally aware of OPTIONS.
It would be worth a shot, if she were an LO of mine. “Death with dignity” is only a kind thoughtful generous offer IF the Star of the Show is fully aware of consequences and choices open to HER.
If NOT, Death With Dignity just becomes DEATH, and depression is SO OFTEN a concomitant when making that “choice”.
So tough on all who love her. Be good to yourselves as well as to her.
Has anyone considered AL? Living by herself at that age is a struggle.
My mother is 98, in AL for 3 1/2 years and is still flourishing, new friends, activities, doesn't have to cook, clean or do laundry. She loves it!
Accept her feelings, it is her life.
You also said she’s lost the will to live for the past 2 years . A mild fall is not the way to describe a broken pelvis .
A broken pelvis is VERY painful even if the break is small. Many very elderly give up after a very painful injury . And your Mom was already giving up for the past two years before the fall . Don’t expect her to turn around now and fight to live .
Many very elderly can’t or won’t do rehab for the long haul . They are just too tired .
Let her decide what she wants . Perhaps she just wants to be kept comfortable and allowed to die. At 99 and competent to make decisions I think she has that right .
Perhaps living on her own is too hard for her and this is the real problem for her wanting to give up for the past two years . Perhaps Assisted Living instead of returning home ? If she needs more help then she needs SNF . OT and PT can advise on where she belongs . The very elderly can get “ too tired of living “. I think it’s time for her to have staff available to help her 24/7. This may relieve some of her stress and anxiety of living alone at 99. She could even perk up a bit having people around all the time . My mother did better at 87 years old living in assisted living than living alone .
Your Mom also may say she wants to die because she does not want to be a burden on her family even though you said there are family members willing to help her . Placing her rather than going home may be the better solution . A fall like this often starts the final decline and is the trigger for placement in a facility .
Don’t try to fix this, let her decide how much she is capable of doing now.
it’s not an easy time for you. I wish you peace.
Hugs 🤗
Repeat: she's NINETY-NINE.
No fall at that age is fun and certainly the pain from the broken pelvis is causing her some grief.
Do you expect that she will live forever? Because, nobody does. And it's often a fall that starts the ball rolling down the inevitable hill of what we kindly refer to as 'End of Life'.
I'd be BEGGING for Hospice and not doing one single thing to rehab at that age. Don't put your expectations on her. Let her guide YOU as to what she does and doesn't want.
It's doubtful she'll come out of the SNF, Do you want her living years and years there? I bet not.
Let HER decisions be your guide as to how to treat her. Allow her the freedom to wish she could pass, if that's what she wants.
I remember well-minded nurses encouraging my dying grandmother to get up and do her PT. She had no feeling in her feet or hands. She had a bone-deep sacral bedsore that caused her great pain. Grandma simply waived these ladies off with a 'please leave me alone so I can die in peace.' They'd argue that she still had plenty of good years. She wasn't stupid and found them to be super irritating. Said "I've already HAD 95years of good years. I'm done."
PLease allow your mom that same dignity.
Respect where your mother's mindset is at this point in her life, along with the fact that she's 99 years old and may never get back to her old self, and just listen to her. My mother told me she wanted to die for at least 2 years before she actually did and I validated her feelings by telling her I fully understood. At 94 and 95, she was done pretending all was right with the world bc it wasn't. I was relieved when God finally took her Home and ended her suffering.
But you asked if anyone else had gone through this. I haven't personally but my hubs mom is going through something similar. She's 88 yrs. of age and recently was diagnosed with colon cancer. They performed surgery and it went successfully. She's just arrived back home after spending 3 weeks in hospital. The docs say there is no reason why she shouldn't be up walking and so on but she has kind of given up. She doesn't eat and moans and groans all the time. Mind you, she was always a negative kind of person so this comes as no surprise.
The only advice I can give you is try to stay positive around your mom and don't push her too hard cause that might just annoy her. It's only been a week and things could change for the positive given more time.
At a certain age I think people know when it's time to go. Those around them who love them can't accept that cause they love the person. It's hard but at 99 your mom sure has had a good, long run. She might even surprise you and start bouncing back but if she doesn't just be there and support her and love her.