Both of my parents abused me. Both are narcissists who use their elderly status to try to manipulate and control, but then don't accept medical help when needed. They are declining and I have the number for adult protective services taped to my refrigerator to remind me to protect myself. I struggle with PTSD, am an alcoholic in recovery and have a history of difficulty maintaining employment and housing.
I slipped up and made contact with my mother when my brother had enough and stepped back. My desire to give care to elders is real, but I'm trying to remember that vicious people cannot resist hurting others even when it is not in their own interests.
The guilt is intense when I'm in no contact. I easily go into a panicked rescue mode and they play me like a fiddle. Part of it is that my father has a history of domestic violence and my mother doesn't want help getting away from him. At this point he is pretty much too feeble to batter, but it's awful just the same.
My mom became homeless during Covid when she left my dad due an undisclosed incident. My brother and I pulled her out of a hotel, got her to a hospital and then her own apartment, where she promptly let my dad move in. Then there's been several kicking out and moving back in. Now he's back at her place after having the flu and what sounds like some cognitive issues.
Like a sap I offered to bring over soup which I know is super dangerous territory for me. I also started to hire a caretaker to bring the soup for me, but I don't know how when it's not safe for me to be around them, and I don't want to throw some poor stranger into that madhouse.
Luckily I'm in therapy and have a pretty strong support system. It's just a new level of hook knowing that my brother has had enough and they are probably going to end up in state care. So very sad. I have to keep in one day at a time.
Thank you for all the thoughtful answers and encouragement. I've been on hold with adult protective services in Alameda County, CA for over 40 minutes. They offer an option to leave a message, but I'm afraid that will never get listened to. They do have an online form to make reports, but I'm not sure what to put in the form. I guess I would do 2, one for each of my parents. I would put my dad as abuser and my mom as victim on the first one. I would explain there's no incident that's happening today that I'm aware of, but there is a history of DV and emotional abuse. I put on the one for my dad that he might be doing self neglect, not going to doctor, living in a place with stairs when he falls sometimes and having mental confusion. Any feedback is appreciated.
If there are guns in the house, have them removed by SOMEONE ELSE. You shouldn't be anywhere near these people.
Why is state care such an awful prospect? They get a free ride, you get off the hook, your brother gets away, and we the taxpayers pick up the bill.
Getting them on APS's radar will be the best thing for everyone. At some point they will move to acquire guardianship, especially if you give them your Mom's background history of domestic abuse. In my family's experience, when the county aid was in their home she said she heard my MIL slap my SFIL (he had Parkinsons, she had memory deficit). My SFIL wouldn't assign a PoA and kept falling but still driving and having Lewy Body hallucinations, telling us he was going to kill us but not wanting to leave the house for facility care (plus he had no money and was deeply in debt). After the aid reported the slap, the county wheels went into motion and they acquired guardianship for him. I wasn't present when they came but somehow they got him into a facility against his will (he may have had another fall which sent him to the ER and then he went into a facility from there).
His guardian was very nice and communicated with us about his preferences, and even moved him to a closer facility so we could drive my MIL there more easily to visit him. He got 3 meals, shelter, medical care and social contact. Your parents can have all their needs met without you intervening. Stop inserting yourself because you will just delay this process. Keep reporting them to APS and keep the number for their caseworker to feed them any helpful info. But do not contact your parents.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you navigate this situation and find healing for yourself.
I struggled coming to terms with my mother's abusiveness. I think much of it stemmed from being abandoned by her mother during WWII and it made her a very bitter and angry person. I feel sorry for her that her childhood was lousy but she never took steps to go into therapy or try to do anything. She really should not have had any kids because she was a hot mess. My sisters and I always walked on egg shells afraid that we would set her off. And my father chose not to see what was going on under his nose.
There was one day a few years ago when I was helping with caregiving when both my parents were still home that she was so verbally abusive that I very nearly decided to leave and not look back. I stayed and sometimes wish I hadn't. I stayed because my parents' issues were going to be 100% dumped on my sister.
I think my mother does not have much time left now. We are making arrangements for hospice at the NH. She has end stage CHF and stopped eating and there's nothing left of her. She has to be under 100 lbs. I have to say I can't wait for this to be finally over. I wonder if I will actually feel anything because right now I don't.
Now you need to listen to your gut. That voice that tells you to step away.
You say you feel "guilt"
I do not think that is the right word.
You can feel grief.
Grief that they are not the parents they should have been.
Grief that you are now dealing with the aftermath of what they did to you physically, emotionally, mentally.
Grief that they are going to end up "reaping what they have sewn"
Be grateful that you have an understanding as to the type of people they are.
I am glad that you are in therapy, it takes a lot of strength to get through what you have gone through.
I am glad you have a good support system.
Listen to the good people in your life.
The one thing that they did give you is the strength within yourself to overcome them.
((hugs))
Don't even hire caregivers for them.
Your sobriety and mental health are not worth going back into the lions den by having any kind of contact with them. Let the state take care of them.
It's what they deserve since they never were properly punished to the full extent of the law for being child abusers and never had to suffer the consequences of their evil and malicious behavior towards you as a helpless child.
The fact that they are continuing their evil ways towards you as an adult should be enough for you to walk away from them entirely.
To put this in perspective I always say most child abusers never change they just don't have children to abuse anymore. Some will go on to continue to abuse their adult children but some won't because they are bullies and cowards and know that said adult could kick their behind if push came to shove. Unfortunately there are many adult children of child abusers who stay in contact with these abusive elders and never stop being abused - it's just the abuse becomes more emotional - rather than the physical abuse.
So, it's okay if you go no contact with your parents or any other toxic people in your life. Your recovery has to come first which means you have to come first.
Do your abusive, toxix, dysfunctional parents a favor and call APS today and explain your parents' situation and that you cannot care for them. Then visit the local police station in their area and ask the cops to do wellness checks on them. They will do this and if their living situation is unsafe the police will report to APS.
You did right getting a hired caregiver for them. Don't worry about sending a stranger into the "madhouse". I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. Trust me, we can handle ourselves. You tell the caregiver you hired that if your parents act up too much she is to leave at once and go straight to the police.
For your sake and the sake of your recovery, stay away from them and don't let them pull you into their abuse and dysfunction. Let all of their calls go to voicemail then screen them. Call back only if and when you want to. Also, you have nothing to feel guilty about with them. People who grew up in abuse are usually the easiest to guilt-trip and manipulate. I certainly was. I'm sure your parents like mine have never had a moment of guilt or or even taken the slightest accountability for their abusive behavior towards you your whole life. They never will either.
So you just stop going there and stop playing their games.
You now have to do what is best for your mental health and take care of you.
Your parents have made their bed and now sadly they get to lie in it.
Call the number for APS that you have taped to your refrigerator, and let the state take over from there. You will be so relieved when you do.
Your brother got smart and got out of this toxic and very dysfunctional situation and I hope that you will too before it takes too much of a toll on your wellbeing.
You deserve a life of peace and joy and not one filled with such angst.
May God give you the strength to do what you already know needs to be done in this toxic situation.
When I got tired of being who they wanted and became the person I wanted to be, they threw me away, like I was yesterdays garbage.
And when my dad passed, guess who was there to take care of mom . Me!!
So I'll tell you what I've been learning on this forum that has helped me.
It's really not guil that you're feeling, it's sadness and grief, grief of wanting a parent that you felt more love from. Grief of not being loved unconditionally.
Your parents sound like they belong together, to live the rest of there life miserably together.
If your looking for any kind of validation, like I was hoping to get , you will NEVER get it!
Please just walk away, don't make my mistakes. I'm glad your in therapy. Keep that up for sure.
Take care of your health, mentally and physically. You didn't ask to be born, don't take on the responsibility that is not are responsibility.
Best of luck. Let us know anything else.
"Grooming" is abuse. It is psychological abuse.
They will be who they are no matter who looks after them.
Let the state take care of them. Call APS.
Take care of yourself, that’s enough .