Does anyone have any insight into this issue with managing my parents bank account?
A major worry I have is my Mom's access to her bank account. She and my Dad both share an account. Into this account goes their retirement income. With them being in a SNF, this income will now completely go towards those costs. (Solely medical costs and that's it.) My Mom doesn't have dementia but she's very sympathetic to my sibling's situation. They're in a spot where for YEARS they depended on my parents to help pay their bills. (I didn't know to what extent until I recently started taking care of their bills and accounting. WOW.) This sibling is estranged so I don't talk to this sibling anymore in fear of them causing a huge problem for me personally. This sibling only talks to Mom. Anyway, recently, despite having Assisted Living bills to pay, my Mom willingly took several thousand dollars out and just handed it over to this sibling for their financial hardship. Myself, another sibling and my Dad got SO mad but that's all we could do. We couldn't demand the money back or change her mind. Needless to say, Mom and Dad got by ON THE WIRE that month. Myself and another sibling had to pitch in and pay bills here and there just to get them by. Anyone else in this situation? I thought about moving their income into a new account. No commingling of funds with me, but just a different account they won't have access to so that I can peacefully pay their medical bills w/o worry that it might suddenly disappear the next time my mom pities my sibling. It's annoying that a grown adult needs to be bailed out by their disabled parents. It's a shame. Really!
5 Answers
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It is a real pain to have to move like this. But...you have to protect Mom from herself.
You say mom isn't incompetent but she is putting her and your dad in jeopardy. Could you separate her account from dads and give her no access to dads account with dads approval? That might limit the damage when she goes to the bank. You could also ask her to repay you which would make her a little short for awhile longer and let her understand that her subsidizing your sibling is her choice but not yours. You were drug into it by having to bail her out when she over gifted.
I'm assuming you understand about gifting and Medicaid should she or dad need it in the future. But to more directly answer your question, if it's her money and she isn't incompetent then she has the right to give it away. You have to figure out how much you are going to allow her to infringe on your right not to give your sibling money. Good luck with that.
Oh yes. You should go to her bank and see if they accept your POA. Their have been several recently saying that their bank wouldn't accept the POA their parents had given them.
Or the next time Mom hands over money, do not help out by paying her bills.... otherwise Mom will not learn she can't do this now in this phase of her life. So she will have some late charges tacked onto her next bill. Hopefully she will have enough to pay her rent at Assisted Living.
Maybe it is time for the Power of Attorney, if there is one, to take over the handling of the finances. I had asked my own Dad if I could do that for him, and he was thrilled to hand over all the paperwork.... whew, because we were finding current bills thrown in wastepaper baskets and the recycling.
Now that your parents are in AL, your mother needs to not give your sibling any more money. It can disqualify both her and your father for Medicaid if they ever need it. It also enables your sibling to keep living a life that isn't working for them. Maybe if your mother understands the reality and how it will affect her and your father, she'll be able to say no. Tell her to let the sibling know that all money requests need to come through you, because you're in charge of finances now. Your mother has a big heart, but your sibling needs to stop using it. It may cause a rift between you and your sibling, but the money situation is already doing that. Good luck!