I am 61 years of age and still working a demanding yet fulfilling career. I have always been a great daughter. I have been invested in my mother's care all of my life and more recently since her open heart surgery during May 2009. We had hope that following her surgery that she would recover to the point where she could return to her home. That did not happen. She was in one facility after another starting in Pittsburgh and then I had her transferred to my home area in Maryland. She was discharged from a chronic care facility the end of October 2011 and I had her moved in with me and my roommate. I have in-home care to help us out. She has never been a "people" person unlike me and my now deceased father and still living brother, who by the way is of absolutely no help. My mother is given the best of care under my watchful eye. She has doctors in our area and I am very vigilant. She has a trach but is doing well according to her cardiologist. I am taking her to visit her home in Pennsylvania for four days next month. All she does is complain, complain, complain. My roommate bless her heart took her to two doctor's appointments this week so that I could get a full week of work in. My mother is spoiled and never smiles. Everything gets on her nerves. It is difficult living with her. I have always had my "space" as she lived in Pennsylvania and I lived in Maryland although I did visit her every month and many times more regularly as she aged. She is now 86. Her mind is very keen. I come home from a very hard day of work and the minute I step in her room I hear negative negative negative. I can tell she doesn't like it that my roommate took her to those two doctor's appointments but too bad. No one can imagine the great care I give her as well as my roommate. I took three months off from my career when she had her heart surgery and slept most of them in my car at the hospital parking garage in Pittsburgh so that I could be extremely involved in her recovery. People always comment what a great daughter. Well, I am now depressed and want two little vacations this year to the beach and NYC. I deserve a few days away. For her its all about her. I have taken her on countless nice vacations over the years. She adores my brother who lives in Pa. She never says that I deserve a vacation. When she was 61 I was taking her on trips and spoiling her. She really expects me to give up my life until she dies and that is perfectily ok with her. Is this truly love? I don't think so. When I see my Goddaughter, age 26, a few hours on a weekend I can tell my mother is not liking it. In fact, once I took my Goddaughter into my mother's nice room to say hello and she ignored her feigning a headache! I told myself I will never again subject my Goddaughter to that! My mother gets pissy with with inhome help and my roommate. She is unhappy but then she never was a joyful person. I am sick of it. I just needed to vent today. I will continue to do my best while having the most healthy life I can have for myself. I will not retire before I am ready. My career helps me to maintain my sanity. This is not how I envisioned my life to be. I never had children and thought that at my age, I could enjoy life. I have no real pleasure because I have two jobs, my career and my mother. All of my life I have protected and taken care of her and even listened as she constancly complained about my deceased father. She should be ashamed of herself. Yes, I know she is 86 and her years are now limited. But so are mine. Oh,by the way, she has said she will kill herself if I ever put her in a nursing facility. She does not have to worry, I would not do that. She will remain in our home. We even bent over backwards and set up a beautiful room for her. She got mad at me when I surprised her and brought back a few of her things to decorate her room when I last took her to Pa. Instead of smiling and thanking me, she felt I did this behind her back and she did not appreciate it! I hate all of this! I would appreciate some emotional support to my e-mail. Thanks in advance.
Your mother is controlling your life way beyond what is necessary or good for you. For your physical, mental and emotional health it's time to look for a nursing home. Of course, she'll complain. But she complains anyway. Your roommate sounds like a big help but you have no time to yourself. You deserve vacations and time away, which your mother won't "allow."
Letting your mother control you isn't helping either of you. She would appreciate your visits more (maybe) if she were in a nursing home and you were there when you could be. If not, what's new? You say she's mentally sharp, but she seems to have gotten more self-centered and controlling over time. That could indicate a form of dementia.
Whatever the reason for her behavior, I think it's time you got outside help with her and had some life of your own. Did you realize that 30 percent of caregivers die before those they care for? Please don't become one of them. Take care of yourself,
Carol
Shortmomma, don't feel bad. It really is the only workable solution Your mum is cared for, and you have a decent life again.You may find some encouragement for what you have done on that site too.
Personally I knew I could never have my mother live with me as she would have ruined my home, and my health. As it is, I still find any contact with her quite stressful.
Guilt can rear its ugly head over these decisions, but it is guilt originating from childhood and placed there by your narcissistic parent in order to control you. See it in its true perspective, and don't let others use FOG, (fear, obligation or guilt) to control you. Make rational adult decisions that take everyone's welfare into account - like you taking vacations, but making sure your mum is well looked after, or like placing her in an ALF or a NH.
I take what Carol says about 30% of caregivers dying before their charges, very seriously.I am 74, my mother is coming up 100 and healthy, though she fusses a lot, but everytime they run tests she comes out A1. She goes to the ER and they send her back to her ALF. She had a hip repair under full anaesthetic last summer, because she was so strong. I have developed a couple of health issues from the stress of moving her, and dealing with her. I retired from a job I loved because I could not deal with her and keep working, and have been fighting to get my health back. Look after you, first and foremost. The stress can creep up on you
Do let us know how you make out. We are rooting for you! You are not alone in being a good caregiver of a parent and receiving no appreciation.
Joan
Madge1, I disagree with one thing you said: it's the mother who has taught the daughter that she (the mother) can control and abuse, not the other way around, even though Dr. Phil says "you teach people how to treat you". That's hogwash! How would anyone teach people to treat them in such an abusive manner -- why would they want that?
Musiclover1 - and it's interesting that you chose this name, because for me, music is the only thing that saves me - I hope you will thoroughly investigate this site and read all the posts on narcissism. You will see yourself, and myself, there........I can SO sympathize with you because you are exactly where I am right now.
If you can realize that you will never make her happy - and are not responsible for doing so - you might be able to make some headway. This is what I am learning right now. They are too old to change; they've been like this all their lives; no, it is not increasing dementia that's causing it, they just get worse with age. Most of them don't have anything really seriously wrong with them - it's just the way their personality is.
I think for you and I the goal is to regain our lives from a mother who believes she is owed, and deserved, whatever she wants, in the way she wants it, when she wants it. These people believe that they are better than others and should only have the best. They even talk about their own best friends with disdain!
I am learning also that the root of this whole problem is their own insecurity - they fear not being good enough so to give themselves importance and be at the top of the ladder (so they think, for they hate to have anyone see them in a less than favourable light) they denigrate, criticize and judge others to make themselves feel better.
Nothing you do will make her smile. She's miserable in her own right so just let her be!! Why should we kill ourselves "serving" them and jumping through hoops for them? Let them be miserable if that's what they want! My mother has driven away countless friends by her behaviour. There's always a comment or judgment so that she can "win".
It's very complex and deep-rooted but it's all about control and being in charge.
Now it's time for you and I to be in charge, voice what we don't like and won't put up with and set limits and boundaries -- and if that isn't suitable, well then there are always nursing homes or assisted living facilities. Once there, they will soon see that it isn't always about them and they will complain even more.
Too bad!!
I can tell you that I have learned an enormous amount from all those who have posted on this site. Also, do your homework and do some research on narcissism and visit that site that is suggested above - it's marvellous and really spells it out for what it is.
Bottom line - you're a GREAT person - you're kind and good-hearted - the Lord is watching and, last but not least, IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HER!!
If I ship my mom off to the nursing home facility they will take 100 persent of her life savings over the next few years. Not a lot, but everything's relative.
I have learned that when i stay present with my very confused Mother (that's the only way I can put it, but she has your mother's traits!) I do better.
And so does she. And I don't mean physically present, that comes and goes. I mean mentally present. (Eckhart Tolle or Byron Katie can give you some insights)
I've learned that it's not my Mom that's the problem, it's my reaction to her. And as all things in life, our continued relationship is only temporary.
My daughter just brought in my granddaughter, who was sleeping and we put her in my bedroom, which is adjacent to my mother's. She (my mother) has the volume so loud on the tv that you can hear the whole program throught the walls.
I asked her if she would mind turning down the volume as the baby was sleeping in the next room........her answer was "why should I? I need to hear MY tv." Where does this total and complete lack of consideration come from? If I ever dared answer her that way..........
I was hit and punished as a child for saying that the neighbour's new VW looked like a "bug" (isn't that their nickname?) and for saying that the other neighbour's new haircut made her look "witchy". I was all of 8 yrs old at the time.
Why do you think this happened? Because it reflected badly on HER, in her mind. If that isn't sickness, I don't know what is. And that was not even the worst of the abuse.
Libra "Where does this total and complete lack of consideration come from? If I ever dared answer her that way.........." I have had that thought, and others your wrote, often. It does sound like your mum is narcissistic to the point of it being a mental illness. Not all seniors I know are selfish, but some are, and I think some become more narcissistic as they age. I could not tolerate my mum living in the same house as me. I would quickly become a basket case. I hear you about the childhood emotional and verbal abuse, and getting punished for normal childhood things. I have been to counsellors over the years, and found that most helped. They encouraged me to set boundaries to protect myself. I am glad you are coming here and venting. I know it helps.
golfgirl, I agree, it is impossible to live with someone who has no boundaries
((((((hugs)))))) to all of you and do something good for YOU today
Joan
Wish I'd just let the chips fall where they might have then!
That applies to everyone's relationship with every person they know. Have you ever know the person everyone admires and respects, and how no one would do anything to cross them. Or most everyone. They have taught people how to treat them. Or the siblings who never help with the elderly parent, they have taught the parent what to expect and how to respond to them.
It works this way with all relationships. When you have a narcissistic parent you have to stop being their punching bag. And as Cindy Laverty, you must have boundaries.
It doesn't mean they were in anyway responsible for the parent's behavior, or caused the bad behavior toward them.
I am not a big fan of Dr Phil, but this does make sense to me. Because we all know people who would take advantage of us, if we let them. It is up to us to put up those boundaries and stand up for yourselves.
And Libracat, I am very much on your side and Musiclover's. I live this same situation also. But I have finally reached a place where I have some peace and Mom will not manipulate me any longer.
libra, you can't change the past, but you can change things now - nothing is written in stone except that your mum will continue to be herself. I hope you are considerng it. Yes, do things that are for YOU, put YOU first at least some of the time, have some fun, enjoy life you deserve it.
hugs and prayers for a good day, no matter how the narcissists in our lives behave
My Mother has been nasty and lies about everyone, including me. Right now we talk and things seem find. I will never keep her in my home, nor will I be her handmaiden. She will be in an AL or NH, which ever comes first. This is the way I will teach her that lying, playing favorites, being a general pain in the ass is not what I will accept. It sounds harsh but it is what i have to do. Plus she is one of those paranoid people who wouldn't think twice about accusing you of stealing her money or mistreating her. So distance, distance, distance and plenty of boundaries.
So, that's my long rant on negative, selfish, self-centered mothers. I could go on and on, but I sort of already did! I feel for you, musiclover1. You are a much better woman than I am for inviting your mother into your home. When the time comes, I don't think I'll be able to do that. I just don't have much feeling left any more for her but dread. I think you need to get her out now though. Its just not fair. You've been a great daughter and being denied enjoyment in your own life just isn't right. If I put myself in your shoes, I'd have no idea where to start though. How do you even begin the subject with your mom? Mine would be crying and dramatic, telling me I never loved her or some such nonsense. She accused me of that before when I told her I was tired of being her personal hair stylist. So, Musiclover1, I feel your pain. Having a chronic complainer for a mother is pretty rough! The best years that I can remember in a long time were when we moved out of the country for two years. Ahhhh... the distance and the prohibitively expensive phone calls were a blessing. Good luck.