She’s had 2 TIA’s in the last 5 weeks. We LOVE HER and can’t wait to get her here with us. She’s sharp in her mind and kind. She’s been staying up all night where she is now.How do we gently get her on our daily routine? We are retired.She also has OCD and loves to organize things.Just asking for advice. We have a bedroom, bathroom and small living room just for her. anxious about bothering her with clutter and dust. She’s offered to pay for housekeeping every 2 weeks.I just want to make her happy 🙏🏼💜
You need a back up plan for assisted living . You also need a lease drawn up . She needs to pay you rent and be a renter on paper so when this gets too difficult you can legally evict her and have her placed in a facility . Does anyone have POA? You need to speak to an eldercare attorney . Without this being handled properly you could end up with a difficult situation where you can not get her to leave your home and go to a care facility when needed because she establishes residency in your home. This is why it’s so important that you have a lease drawn up . My nephew learned that the hard way, having POA wasn’t enough.
As far as changing her sleep and wake hours, just approach it as anyone changing their schedule. It will probably have to happen gradually, until her sleep schedule more closely matches yours.
At 93, and with 2 TIA's she might sleep a lot more. Don't be surprised if she does.
You can take advantage of her love to organize by giving her organizing tasks, if she is up to it. Sorting socks, sorting silverware, folding towels, making a shopping list and planning the week's dinner menu. She probably likes things clean - have her wipe down the kitchen table before and/or after meals.
Having something to do will keep her more active and give her a sense of purpose. That, too, will help her to sleep well at night, instead of napping all day because she is bored.
If she does get bored and wants something more to do, you could check out an adult day care program together, see if that appeals to her. Many of them offer transportation to and from.
One thing I've found that will help with the sleep routine is keeping your daily routine very consistent. Especially if she develops some cognitive decline, the same activities at the same time every day is very comforting and provides a mental signal that "now it's time for bed". For my husband, I found that turning on a certain tv show at bedtime, or when he wakes up helps him to make sense of his day.
Have you and your husband discussed details of who will handle which aspects of her care? Many women write into this forum after all the care of their mother-in-law has gotten dumped on them by their husbands, who just go about their business as usual.
And do be prepared, as suggested, to hire an overnight caregiver (at her expense) while you work at getting her adjusted to a more normal sleeping schedule.
Will rent be paid for her inlaw quarters? It has been strongly advised and I agree with consulting with an Elder Care Attorney to make sure all documents for health care proxy, Living Will, POA and more if necessary are in place. This is not a situation where you can think "oh we love her that is what matters". Of course you love her and that is why a plan is VERY necessary because it aleviates any rushing if an emergency arises and the emotional/physical toll caregiving has on the caregiver.
And you need to make sure both you and your husband are on the same page with caregiving. Will you be expected to take on the role of helping with ADL's, changing depends/diapers, washing bedding if soiled day after day.
Things are seldom "rainbows and unicorns" so you need to prepare yourself with the posibility that you will sometimes be elbow deep in waste, have to deal with cognitive decline (it may be steep because you are removing your MIL from a familiar setting) and physical decline due to age, illness and mobility decline.
I wish you luck.
How about her share of utilities and food? What about rent?
What about when she attempts to organize your kitchen? Whose kitchen is it then?
We here on this Aging Care forum will all say a prayer for you as you will need a lot of them as you venture into this unknown territory
And sadly you will be back in the near future asking us all how to get your MIL out of your house because she's driving you all crazy and you can't take it anymore.
But for now since it sounds like you've already made up your mind(you should have asked us first as we would have all said NO!) I will just say...get ready to say goodbye to the good life you've known so far and hello to disruption, chaos, and care of someone who will eventually require 24/7 care. Have fun!
I'm bringing this up because it is a special kind of hell if you are someone with OCD that focuses on cleaning and organizing and throwing things out and you have to live with someone who has more relaxed standards for things. (IE more normal standards) Sadly, the OCD doesn't resolve with dementia and strokes, it can often get worse. It is very important that you know the difference. Is she just super neat or does she have a diagnosis? And is she taking meds for it? When you live with someone with this disorder you will find it affects the entire household in surprising ways.
Play it by ear. Have a back up plan in place if your MIL is unhappy at your home. Sometimes love is not enough to care for a 93 year old who may have more issues than you realize. She may not, and that would be great. But just for the staying up all night situation, you'll have to install locks on the doors leading to outside that she cannot reach. This is vital in case she tries to leave the home and wander around at night in the dark.
Best of luck to you.
Do not move her in unless she assigns you as her financial and medical PoA, has a Advanced Healthcare Directive and a DNR. If she won't do this, it's a deal-breaker for moving her in.
OCD = unhealthy perfectionism
Lack of perfection = anxiety
Anxiety = unhappiness
Is she on any meds for her OCD? If not I'd definitely talk to her doctor about this. This may also be a deal-breaker. You are not responsible for her happiness. You are not her Entertainment Committee (which you will become once she's in your sights all day long).
People with OCD are often rigid in irrational ways. You may not be able to see it in action now. I would do lots and lots of research on this.
Others have provided excellent input about living with a very elderly person. Cognition and health can change overnight in someone that age. I would also make sure she takes a cognitive exam (like a MoCA) after she gets her legal paperwork completed... you may be surprised to find out her judgment and short-term memory are not how they appear.
I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you ponder this move very deeply.
of your naïveté. The first thing to recognize is you cannot make an elder happy. She is responsible for finding her happiness. You can support her as she goes through this stage but it is not a happy time in life and very few elders are happy (unless they have dementia and are oblivious to their situation.).
Also acknowledge that these TMIs can lead to dementia. . Be prepared for that and be open to getting help in. You won’t be able to do this alone no matter how much you love her. This is a hard undertaking, be sure you go into this knowing that.
See an elder care attorney to
be sure her assets are protected and what would need to
be done if MIL needs Medicaid.
Make sure you put your spouse first and he you, and be sure you take time for yourselves. If you are retired I’m sure there are things you would like to do together. Tick tock, time waits for no one. You don’t get it back.
I really hope you are successful and it works out.
Is she selling a house to move in with you? If so that money needs to be properly handled. Does your husband have medical and financial POA for her in case she declines in the future and he has to take over her finances and medical decisions in the future?
And do work on getting her adjusted to YOUR daily routines, rather than catering to her so that you end up resentful. I hope this all goes smoothly for you.
She's had two TIAs. Are you aware of brain damage caused by these? Personality changes (that may not have evidenced yet)? What is your plan if/when she has a follow-on stroke? Would you insist on taking her into your home afterward for long-term care? Is that why you are allocating the BR, BA and LR to her?
Your retirement is about to make a sharp turn in order to facilitate her care. You and husband need to discuss this change in your living style and decide how far you want to go with providing her care in your home. Then discuss how long you can see yourself doing it. She could live another 7 or 10 years, or even more. Husband needs her POA and should familiarize himself with the patient portal on her primary care physician's website. You'd better brace yourself because her personal care, such as bathing her, toileting her, and administering meds will probably fall to you unless husband is comfortable with dealing with his mother's naked body during hands-on care.
Please let us know how it goes!