This is messy but I am not sure what else we can offer them in terms of options. Mom and Pete have lived together for the last 18 years in Pete's home. Pete's adult son (in his 50's) and his son's girlfriend also live in the home. This is where things get messy...the home is in the son's name as of the 90's but Pete claims it is "his home".
His son is a hoarder. The girlfriend can't stand the hoarding and also clashes with mom constantly...she has said some insanely mean things to mom that are absolutely unacceptable. The son also blames mom for Pete's weight loss (Pete has a diagnosed thyroid problem) and since mom is "frugal", she talked him out of a weight loss supplement that was quite pricey. The son went ahead and purchased the supplement but Pete didn't gain any weight...and it is still mom's fault somehow. Things progressed to constant arguing over finances (either the son never contributes to household bills, or Pete is not being honest about who contributes what, we aren't sure which) but this has caused a significant distress between residents in the home. The final straw was when the board of health showed up. Instead of directing them to see Pete or the son who were in the back of the house, they told mom they would be back the following week and she wrote it on the calendar...she has dementia with memory loss and lack of comprehension, she did not understand who these people were or why they were at the door. There are a few potential factors as to why the BOH became involved, 1 is the hoarding, 2 is the massive fire they had in the yard because they had inadequate hose length to reach the fire pit where they burn cardboard and this caused a loss of buildings and animals (shed and pigeon coop). Regardless of WHY the BOH came to the home, mom was kicked out because the son blames her for making the initial call. We (my husband and myself) do not believe she was involved in making the call but that the conniving girlfriend who hates her boyfriend's hoarding problem called and gave moms name because she is very nasty toward mom and wants more control within the house. Pete has lived in town for well over 50 years and knows many people, and he has confirmed and also believes it was the girlfriend that called the BOH but will not confront either the son or the girlfriend.
Mom has been moved in with us because they left a dementia patient practically homeless. We live 1.5 hours (3 hours round trip) from Pete and we ask them to talk daily and we visit every time we are in Pete's area for appointments. Mom and Pete want to live together, they cry constantly and are sincerely missing each other. We are not comfortable in even letting mom spend a night because of the son and the girlfriend, we just don't feel she is safe there. She also has been able to talk Pete out of her appointments because she would rather ignore her condition than get help. Her son and I are *adamant* that she will no longer be missing or rescheduling appointments because we are now personally bringing her to all appointments and are both MPOA's/HCP's for her care and insist she continue to live with us in a safe environment where we know 100% she will receive the care she needs without issue. After yesterday's visit, we discussed her moving back to Pete's (we declined to allow her because she is not/has not been well cared for), assisted living which Pete declined (he is 15 years older than her and also has health problems & would likely benefit from having AL staff available but he wants a garden and some chickens), she has too many appointments to travel to their home in Florida alone with Pete for the winter (which she tried to ask us to "just reschedule them"...even though we have been waiting MONTHS for these appointments!), and Pete has countered with "What if we buy our own house and you can have it when we die" (we have a home, we do not want their home or his children arguing over another property), not to mention Pete is 86 (who buys a home at that age???) which we said we would discuss with the estate attorney at our appointment next week to see if it was even a viable option without financial repercussion for either of them. We offered to make room in our home for Pete (as in build an addition for them), but he declined again...even though we have a wonderful garden and chickens which is the reason he doesn't want to consider AL. I am out of options to offer them and my heart is breaking watching them cry and pine for each other. Any suggestions for two broken hearts? We hate that they are not together when they want to be, because of his son's interference but we also require that they are close enough that we can bring mom to appointments as she was asked by neurology to stop driving and Pete probably won't be driving much longer either (he recently ran 2 red lights and a stop sign because he didn't see them...). Thanks in advance, we are open to all suggestions!
Actually, you know what? Who cares. The important thing is that your husband and you have successfully extricated his mother from this snake pit. I'm sorry that she's breaking her heart over it; but Pete has had ample time to sort out his long-term partner's status in his life and to make provision for their future as a couple if he chose to - and he chose not to.
Too late for regrets, but in your husband's shoes I wouldn't regret seeing the back of this man anyway. He wasn't always 86.
In case I'm being too hard on Pete... If you have really sound reasons to believe that he has been the victim of coercion or abuse, make a statement to that effect and submit it to the appropriate authorities. But for heaven's sake don't make him your problem. One sorrowful lady with dementia is plenty for you to have to deal with.
Mom and Pete shared a home with his adult son and GF. Son is a hoarder, GF is resentful. Someone called the health department because the home was unsafe, which resulted in all kinds of accusations and in your mother being kicked out. You brought mom to live with you, but she and Pete long to be together again. The problems with the solutions offered are:
1/The home is not a safe place for mom (or Pete either by the sound of it).
2/Pete refuses to consider assisted living
3/Pete's proposal of buying a different home is unrealistic for someone his age and it is doubtful the two of them could manage doctors appointments etc without supervision.
4/Pete refuses to move in with you, despite your generous offer to built a suitable addition.
Have I got that right??
Sorry, but I agree with the others that the ball is really in Pete's court, you have already offered several solutions to the problem and been rejected.
I don't see the harm in Pete purchasing a house for him and your mom -- ideally close to you. Or if the estate attorney thinks that is not advisable, then what about renting somewhere near you? Just be sure they can have a garden and chickens! Get them both out of that toxic environment.
The truth is, though, that Mom is going to need more and more care for her dementia. It would really be best, I think, if they could move into assisted living at this point. What if Pete had to choose (as he does, actually, because you are not going to allow Mom back into that environment): you can only have one: 1) have a garden and chickens or 2) live with Mom. Which will it be? If he chooses chickens over Mom, I guess that tells you something about how to prepare for Mom's future.
This is a dreadful situation for you as the daughter, as well as for Pete and your mom. I think the next move is Pete's though. He needs to decide upon some priorities. You can help him put his priorities into practice if that seems suitable to you. But you can't decide for him.
Sine Mum has dementia, there is nothing to be gained from telling her that Pete is choosing a yard and chickens over her.
The same goes to Pete's winter in Florida, he is saying that his travelling to Florida is more important than Mum's long awaited medical appointments. One again it is his choice to put travel over Mum's health.