My MIL and my husband have been in touch via phone for the past few years. We live across the country. She said she was afraid to live alone, the house needed repair, and she wanted us to come stay in her large home.
We came across the country with the intent to stay a while and help, but when we got here the problems were much more severe than they seemed.
She described the house as having some small issues (pipes leaking, some caulking needing to be done, windows needing to be done, she wanted a fence built - all things I could easily do), but it's much worse. The house is falling apart and I fear there are foundation issues.
Worse still is her mental state. She's very sure "the end times" are coming, and will often go into incoherent biblical rambles and tangents, and will sometimes burst into tears at what seems like nothing at all (or something in her mind?) , then swing back up into a normal state seconds later as if nothing happened. It's worse in the evenings and nights than during the day.
She's also got a huge hoarding issue. Rooms are filled quite literally wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling with boxes, empty bottles, and newspaper she's claiming she's saving for this or that reason.
She's refused any and all help from us and has even pointedly searched her garbage bins to make sure we're not throwing out her boxes. She's also told us we're not welcome because we're LGBT (she knew we were married before we got here, this is ALL a shock to us).
We can't stay here, even if we tried to, we have a teenage son of our own and we can't keep him in this house or have him around her for safety reasons (physical and mental). We have the funds to go back home, but we're worried for her even if she doesn't want us to be around her. Our whole lives are back home, and we can't stay.
The rest of the family has "written her off". My husband's siblings are out of the country and want no contact with her. His aunt is refusing to intervene saying "I've tried to help her for years and it's only gotten worse".
She's in her early 60's and still works (from home), but it's very obvious that things are very wrong.
It's a huge shock to us, we're not sure what to do.
We've tried to gently ask her for her doctor's info but she says she doesn't have one (she does, we just have no idea who it is), have tried to call someone to look at the house but she refused the help, and tried to clean out some rooms for her, but she'll only allow us to move one mess to another room.
Our plan as of now is to stay a week or so to try to convince her to let us help her, and to try to get her into going to church and connecting with a healthy community (we're not religious, but she always has been, and we're willing to go to church with her if it'll help get her a support group).
Please, if anyone has any resources in the United States we'd love them. We looked into calling APS but they'll only visit for someone 65+, and I've heard that it could make the situation worse. We have no PoA and aren't sure how we would even begin to look into something like that. She seems fully intent on cutting us out, and we have no way to force help upon her.
A hoarder is INCREDIBLY hard to treat. It’s not as simple as emptying out the house - she’ll just fill it back up again and become panicked that someone touched her stuff/garbage. The house can’t be fixed while it’s filled, and it’s probably going to be condemned if it’s in as bad a state as you say. In my experience, people with these types of delusions (not seeing reality) will not change, no matter how you try to scare them into facing reality.
I hate to say this, but just as she needs to see reality, so do you. Her situation will not improve on it’s own, and she won’t ‘see the light’. Hoarding and OCD behavior and perfectionism all intermingle and it’s super duper difficult to get a person struggling with mental health issues to suddenly change their ways.
It’s drastic, but maybe try talking to someone at the town office about getting the house condemned. If it’s condemned, there’s no two ways about it - she will HAVE to move. She’ll HAVE to go somewhere. Just know that whoever takes her in, even if all her stuff doesn’t come with her, the hoarding behaviors and OCD WILL CONTINUE.
I’m sorry. Been there, done that. I know how hard it is.
Best of luck.
Any advice for the dementia or how to get her to talk to a doctor while we're here? We've been struggling to get her to get a covid vaccine (she's out and about so much and just went to NYC on vacation - and got lost and confused while she was there). She says she doesn't trust doctors.
We've (my husband and I) talked about her very sudden mental health decline (she seems confused pretty often and will come downstairs in the night to talk about random things, sometimes it seems like she's picking up a conversation that wasn't being had, if you know what I mean?) but we just have no idea what to do.
I couldn't imagine having the house condemned. It might be "for the best", but I don't think I have it in me.
Regarding her ramblings and rants which worsen at the end of the day...this sounds very much like Sundowning, a behavior related to dementia. It is possible your MIL has a UTI, which more senior women can get quite often and the only symptoms are those that appear like dementia (odd behavior, confusion, delusions). UTIs usually change one's behavior "suddenly". If you are able to convince to go to Urgent Care to get tested, she can get treated witht antibiotics. An untreated UTI can turn septic and be life threatening.
At 61, your MIL is quite young for dementia. She could have ALZ, or some other health issue that results in her odd behaviors. I would look around to see if there are any empty prescription med containers. Opioid addiction is still rampant and it can happen to anyone.
I know 61 is still very young (I was expecting people to be angry with me for posting here, but with the very sudden personality change and the confusion, and the family history of health issues setting in early, I thought it was worth a shot).
Did MIL ask for you to come & help - just with the house maintenence? To me it's like she can only see the tip - you have arrived & saw the whole iceberg.
It's very natural to fear losing independance & control (forMIL). It's also very hard to help someone who refuses your help (for you).
I would be kind but honest.
Gently point out "you have concerns".
1. That in order to help you think a medical checkup would be good place to start "that it couldn't hurt". Suggest she talk to her Doctor, with or without you.
2. Ask what is currently hard for her & make suggestions. Eg locate local tradespeople for repairs or grocery delivery.
3. Set a date to leave & go home. Check by phone.
What is in your control & what is not are big issues. Sometimes you can't save people. You can make suggestions. It will be up to her to take the steps or not.
4. Be ready to call for an emergency mental health crises evaluation if she is a danger to herself or others.
Seems like MILs behaviour is not something new if others will have nothing to do with her. She definitely has some mental disorder. Maybe she has had a full mental breakdown? You really need someone to evaluate the situation. Call Office of Aging. Hopefully they are a separate department from APS. (Some places they are one and the same) Tell them the situation and the need to return home. That you would feel much better if someone could tell you what you can do, or that you can do nothing.
If Mom has food in the home, is caring for herself, the hoarding will not be seen as a problem that needs to be addressed. Is she able to pay her bills? Not a danger to herself or others? Then she cannot be removed from her home. Now if the water gets turned off, she can't live there. It now becomes a health hazard.
Maybe the best you can do is get Office of Aging to do "well checks" every so often.
If need be, after you return home, contact the police and ask for a welfare check. That would get them over there to see the state of the house, her living conditions, and perhaps get some resources for you and your husband to consult. Most important, it'll put her on their radar.