Where to begin. My parents are living in SoCal. Dad is probably stage 5 now. They live alone on soc sec which isn't much. I'm on the east coast. How do I help from here?
Dad wanders & paces aimlessly all the time. There's nothing holding his attention. He also has macular degeneration so he can't see well. He can't read bc of vision, can't do puzzles even if he wanted to, can't do anything on his computer anymore. He follows mom everywhere like a puppy & if she's out of site he searches for her. So she feels like she's in a prison. It's exhausting taking him out bc he's afraid to walk due to weak legs & lack of vision but she needs to shop. Finally getting the groceries delivered. She's not technologically savvy so she cannot handle Amazon.
Does CA have any mechanism for a free agency (not having to pay for service) to go into their home & make an assessment? My mom needs help. She simply can't take care of him alone with how he is. She hardly sleeps bc he's up at night to pee, sometimes missing the bathroom entirely. He's peed in the kitchen.
Please if anyone knows how to get help. They have no money to pay for home care workers. What is she supposed to do?
As I said, without local support they may need placement. For my brother at 85 with poor balance it was a matter of not being safe at home alone when I lived half the state away; he had to go into long term care living.
I encourage you to pay a visit and see what the circumstances are. I am assuming there's no family in the area to do this assessment for you. You must feel so helpless so far away and I am so sorry.
Your father's doctor could refer them to a social worker for help in getting assessments and services.
Are your parents being honest with their doctors? Can you email or fax their dooctor about your concerns?
Are your parents on Medi-Cal?
If your father is wandering, don't you think it might be time for a secure facility?
Here is the link for the State of California. You can then search their county.
https://aging.ca.gov/Contact_Us/
If you can find the right agency to speak with and then connect your mother with them, that should at least get the ball rolling. If she needs help with negotiating the process, it might make sense for you to take some time off and go help her. My understanding is the paperwork can be quite challenging. She may need your help.
Since it is difficult for her to work with Amazon for getting deliveries, I would assist there as well. Not just Amazon, most local grocery stores also will deliver - for a fee of course and sometimes a required minimum, but it would be worth the fee if she doesn't have to try to go with him in tow. Walmart also delivers, often free with a minimum dollar order. No need to sign up for prime anything! FWIW, I've gotten most WM deliveries within days of the order (some delay or alternate choices during the mad craziness during the early days of the virus, but stable after.) With Amazon, even though it might say free 2 day delivery, it could take up to a week to process my order, THEN it was 2 day delivery!
However, you could contact California Medicaid (probably can do it online) to see what they might be eligible for from Medicaid. Medicaid has some programs that help keep elders in their home, community care as it is known. Usually there is a waiting list to get this kind of help and slots usually filled at beginning the year or as they come open. Wouldn't hurt to try to get it. They provide X number of hours a week to do specific things for the patient. Perhaps 3 hrs a day, 3 days a week. Not full time care. If someone needs FT care, the agency looks at it as they need to be in a facility. Their home won't count against them as far as an asset, but there will be a MERP form they sign saying the state can attempt to recover anything left in the estate at time of death (which could include the sale of the house for repayment).
There are probably lots of agencies willing to do a free assessment, but this sort of care is not free. You either get what Medicare will pay for (dr orders it) or you apply for Medicaid.
As far as what is she supposed to do? If she's trying to do this all alone and there are no Medicare/Medicaid programs avail to her, there aren't many options. When you cannot afford caregiver service to keep someone at home and you've gone as far as you can physically/mentally, it may be time to put him in a NH type facility that can deal with memory issues.
At 88, if your mom collapsed today would probably mean both of them have to go to a facility. If she can shift that workload over to a facility now, she may be able to manage living alone for quite some time. Maybe you can talk with her around that issue. She will be no good to herself or him if she over extends her role. At a facility, she could visit and leave the heavy work/monitoring to those who get paid to do it. You would still need to apply for Medicaid to get the bed in the NH since their funds are limited. They will not take all of his money away from her if she remains in the home - they don't want to impoverish her. I'm sure you would have to go there to help her find a place for him and assist with the paperwork
The only other thing I can think of is to close the gap on the mileage between you. Sell the house (homes are worth much more in CA than they are in other states) and let them reinvest the money at a senior center that includes different levels of care. Mom might be at assisted living, while dad moves to another wing for memory care. They would still be together, she would get private time and rest, and you could more easily help them with personal affairs.
My parents were in assisted living, but instead of calling in the aids (because of response time) dad wanted mom's help - even if the aids responded in lest than 20 minutes dad would want mom to do for him. I could see the strain on mom. Dad was on hospice so mom would get some break when they showed up. It got to the point dad was too weak to do anything of significance for himself at which point AL and hospice recommended dad move next door to SNC.
As it sounds they have no savings and only SS benefits, I suggest you get them on medicaid/medi-cal asap. They would then qualify for benefits. I don't know what it's like in California but when we set dad up on medicaid it required me collecting records to apply. It will be even harder for you as you are on the other coast from them. You may want to consider contacting an elder care attorney in their area.
I wish you the best.
From the east coast, expecting to get things done in California seems like an impossibility to me.
I was living in Colo, an only child, to elderly parents living in Florida. When dad had 3 minor fender benders back to back, that was enough. I moved them to Colorado and got their house sold, got them set up in an senior apartment 4 miles away, and managed their lives for them ever since because they were no longer able to. When dad fell & broke his hip, I had to get both of them into Assisted Living, take over their finances, and that was in 2014.
Dad passed in 2015 and my mother is now 94 and living in Memory Care with advanced dementia. I'll have to get her into a SNF soon b/c her $$$ is running out for private pay. I never could have done any of this from 3000 miles away.
Wishing you the best of luck.
Mom is doing a courageous job caring for Dad, and taking care of herself. Especially at her age!
It could be time now to have new plans ,help assist your parents with secure ,and ,safer living options.
Reach out to government agencies in your state,Medicaid. These agencies have other contact that may be helpful for you investigate.
It sounds as thought they qualify;especially if parents are living on SSA only.
The transition should start ASAP. You need peace of mind also. Parents are not in easy reach of your help.
This web site can be a great support mechanism. Stay with it, okay.
May God grant you wisdom and strength. Peace be unto you...!