My sister and I are caregivers for our 91yr. old mom. My sister is becoming ill from the stress. My mom lives downstairs of my sister and husband. My sister can't go upstairs even if she's been downstairs all day , without Mom saying "Don't forget about me, it's so lonely down here". When I come over to visit several times a week, as I am leaving for home, she gives me the same "lonely" speech. She refuses to go to any senior center and be with those of her age. We know she doesn't want to burden us. How do we talk to her and help her to see what she is doing to us, especially my sister?
Your mom might thrive in a different environment where there were opportunities for company and activities right outside her door, or she might be like my grandmother and feel a need that can never be met again in this life. You and your sister can only do so much for her, you can't be her everything. Sis may just have to harden her heart a little bit and try not take these statements to heart, she deserves to have her own needs met as well.
Encourage your sis to take more time for herself, be there to listen, and leave the door open for a dialogue about changing mom's living arrangements.
Have you considered an adult day care center if there is one in your area? This is a nice way for seniors to meet and engage in supervised activities with each other during the day, but they get to come home to their families and sleep in their own bed at night. There are social models or medical models, if your mom has medical issues that require treatment, such as diabetes. In the latter case, nursing oversight is available as well. She might try it a couple of days a week at first to see if she likes it.
Statistics show that many caregivers die before the person they are caring for does.
You do not say if your Mother is ill or what her conditions is.
If possible Adult Day Care would greatly help all of you.
If there is a Senior Service in your area or a Senior Center that has gatherings bring her there. Games, lunch, cards, outings will all help to get her a little less lonely.
Has she been seen by her doctor for possible Depression?
If she can not get out another caregiver that could come in 2 or 3 times a week would also help. The could do a bit of housework or just spend time. If all she needs is company if there are any Teens in your neighborhood that "baby sit" this might be something that they might want to do once in a while. If no direct care is necessary and it would be going for a walk, reading it might be fun for your Mom.
If this is not an option, contact the local senior center as suggested and enroll her in senior daycare.
While with an aid who did everything for her, she enjoys that little bit of independence of doing for herself and enjoys companionship from others who share the same interests.
Try art classes, book clubs, your local library, maybe the Y, all these have excellent offerings. Maybe Meetup, too. Look in your local newspaper and maybe your mom might want to read it, too. Get her new glasses if she needs them. Some churches and synagogues offer folk dance groups. My mom loved to do that, right into her mid 80's.
I am also a caregiver (retired financial analyst). I have been blessed with people that are willing to share their realizations of lack of cignizance. I appreciate anything to help with my (lack of) caregiving skills.
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE!!!!!
I have nothing to add except you and your sister aren't obliged to try try try to make her 'less lonely' because it isn't YOU she's lonely for, but the past.
And I knew a social worker years ago who used to check up on her elderly clients who lived in the city. All of them lived in little rooms or motel rooms (called SROs) each one alone, without a friend or relative in the world. This social worker was literally the only human who visited them once a week, for years. So your mom is pretty well off. (and get some help, before sister dies from stress - get visitors from the church, get a paid sitter, if mom is able to go out, have the sitter take her to a senior center. Once she starts going, she will likely start loving it.)
I've had the same thing with my dad, I have a small dog who loves him, he spoils rotten, I have a nice TV with over 400 channels to make sure he can watch all the games which he loves, and his favorite shows. He gets his healthy food and his favorite foods, we visit all the time, he'll even run me off because he doesn't like conversation that much, a couple of friends who are left visit when they can, we have trips out depending on the weather, etc... and I still hear the "lonely or bored" thing now and then, and what comes out every time is he wants to work in the yard, because that's what he used to do, he wants to go hunting because that's what he used to do, etc.... It's really what they miss that's going on in the mind, and you can't blame them. As far as being on different levels of the home, I have the same thing, I have a three story home on a hillside, can't do a ramp to the main floor, so my parent has his own open living quarters on the garage level of my home so he can easily get to my car when we run errands, have doc appointments, etc... we're lucky in that respect, he has a large TV area, a kitchenette, a bathroom and bedroom area. There are stairs obviously and the upstairs doorway is open to the kitchen so while I work in the kitchen, etc... he can hear me anywhere I am on the main floor, he can hear me doing laundry, cooking dinner, etc... and I think that gives him comfort. I did have to move my bedroom to the top floor, my old bedroom was over his tv area and he watches his shows into 1 am, very very loudly and I couldn't sleep. Anyway, some of us have stairs, we manage, in my case my dad doesn't mind it, he likes to have privacy and quiet some times.
Every time she would go into the lonely litany, I would ask what she wanted to do about it, or if she wanted to move to a place with more people around and activities. She refuses to move again.
Oh, and refuses to talk to the doctor about depression, insists she is just "blue" from time to time.
In February she took a fall while I was at work that required stitches in her head. I took that opportunity to get her looked at by a neurologist who said she should not be alone, hired Visiting Angels to come 3 days a week a first. The insurance company (Long term care) sent a nurse out to evaluate, who said she needs someone 5 days a week.
Luckily for me the first person the sent was a keeper, and I don't hear the lonely litany nearly as often. I still pay the price if I want to go out after work, even just to get my hair done, mom plays the lonely card then.
Oh, I have two wonderful dogs that stay with her for all her waking hours, and that does help also.
Good luck, and I hope you and your sister can sort of detach a bit and not let that guilt get to you.
All I can say is that during a period of two years I had a lot of human contact, but no spoken conversation nor in-person contact. Sure, I had Facebook, and grew to despise it. I kept telling people, "Will you please call me and speak, and stop texting me? Can we at least speak aloud to each other and have a conversation?" I also wanted to sit down and have coffee with someone. I didn't want a "date." I couldn't find one person willing to spend time with me without the "sex" part attached. I only wanted to ask, "Hey, is that all I am worth now? Only a body?" I said "no" to the sex, meaning I didn't have a coffee buddy, either.
I didn't want therapy, simply because I didn't want a paid friend. That seemed to me to be too much like prostitution. I felt sad for people I had known who had no one else to talk to in their entire lives except those paid friends in offices, simply because they continued to go back and go back to those offices, almost like an addiction, and gradually, the friends whittled away.
Reality was that loneliness, for me, was reality, not a state of mind. I really didn't have anyone to talk to. I had a long "contact list," sure, but most were dead, gone from my life, had moved, married, left, defunct address, whatever. It's sad when that happens to a person.
I did many things to change the situation. One was to relocate. That really helped! Another was to try out new things. I can't mention everything but some were special interest clubs. I became very politically active. I joined social activism groups. I published articles and got on the radio to speak about certain topics that were my specialty.
I've performed publicly a number of times. That, for me, is so empowering, actually. Drama, public performing, singing in a choir...These are so helpful for some people. I do public speaking, reading of my writings, and stand-up comedy and for whatever reason I feel very good, very alive, like somehow, my life has been given back to me.
I have not been lonely nor depressed for a long time now, several years in fact. I didn't have to rely on anyone else nor take pills to accomplish this. I didn't have to pay a person in an office. What is cool is that many of us already have the answers we need right inside of us. We only need to find them.
Sorry, I'm veering off into a rant. The fact remains cindyandpam can't be their mother's everything, the best we can do for out loved ones is provide them opportunities to meet people and, if not able stimulate their minds with classes or joining a choir or travel, to at least offer some kind of diversion to help to pass the hours and days.
Here's an example in concrete terms. Say you are a woman, middle-aged, who is feeling you would like to restart exercising. You go to a gym and are presented with exercise classes, including yoga and pilates. You try these and you find you do not enjoy the classes. The gym is not meeting your needs. People wonder why you still feel unfulfilled.
However, your need to exercise doesn't mean you need yoga classes. You might not be the yoga type. So many give up on exercise because they don't realize that the type of exercise they try doesn't truly meet their needs. It might be years after their initial attempt before they try again. Next time, it might be running outdoors, or walking. Viola. The person needed to be outdoors, the person needed to be alone with her thoughts for a while, and also, needed a new way to get to work. So that's an example of "needy" that wasn't really needy, it was just that the need was not met quite right at first.
So to translate this to loneliness and elderly. Maybe they are around family TOO much and need nonfamily contacts such as people their own age. Or....Maybe they are the type who relates to the younger crowd. My mom was like that. I have a relative who hangs out with hippies and does hippie stuff (use your imagination). Some elderly thrive around very young children. I remember my grandmother always came alive when she saw us kids. I remember this was true of so many elders. They would get that sparkle in their eyes seeing kids open Christmas gifts or seeing kids in costume. Or some elderly (I just read about this), after they retire, volunteer to dress up as Santa and enjoy having kids on their laps. No reason that can't be a grandma! It's a fake beard anyway! A number of relatives of mine are still playing musical instruments well into their 90's. Rock on.