Mom and I now share a residence. What did I get myself into?

SneakyinOh, many of us here know just what you're going through. The first few months of getting used to each other are the hardest. And usually the younger of the roommates (i.e. us) have to do most of the compromising. The Tylenol is a big problem. Many older people get the feeling it is safe and can take too much of it. Perhaps you can put her a certain number of pills in a bottle, then give them to her each day. You can tell her that it is the number of Tylenol her doctor said she could have, so to use them over the day as needed. If she runs out, don't give her anymore. She will probably buck the first few days, but settle into the new routine. Good luck! I feel for you, because I know what you're going through.

You and your mom are going to need time to adjust to the new living arrangement and you will be learning everyday how to care for her. Lesson #1 mom likes to abuse Tylenol so figure out a way to keep her from taking 4000 mg a day. Like the above comment said leave just a few Tylenol in the bottle and hide the rest. Or just hide the entire bottle and dole them out as your mother needs them so you can control her intake.

These are things that are going to have to be figured out as you go, things you never could have prepared for. Now is the time to start setting boundaries with your mom. If you don't feel the need to take down her new curtains that you bought for her and iron them then don't. And I'm sure you've been keeping house for many years now and know what needs to be done, how you prefer to do it. Don't let it bother you when your mom badgers you while you're cleaning house.

And know right now that she's not going to change. You are going to have to work on accepting who she is. All you can do is change your own behavior and change how her criticism affects you. Of course you went to so much trouble and stress to get her to your house. We all know how much work that is. Your mom probably has no clue how difficult those arrangements were to make and if she did know she probably wouldn't care.

As you said, it's been 3 days. This is a very tough adjustment for you both. You need to be the flexible one, don't count on your mom to meet you halfway. Compromise as much as you are able and create boundaries as you see fit. But set them now before things get out of control.

Your a good daughter for going to all of that trouble to make sure your mom is taken care of. You don't need her approval. You did good.

When you find a new doctor for her, the first thing you should ask for are some anxiety medications, like Xanax. Moving isn't easy for any of us. Take her for tours of Assisted Living facilities near you, some offer a free lunch. Encourage her to attend an event there, like a St. Patrick's Day party or Easter/Passover social. She would be much happier with activities and people her own age. We did a one-month trial and Mom decided to stay.

pstegman, I've tried repeatedly to get some antianxiety meds for mom for the the really bad times, and no way will either her neurologist or family doc do listen when I describe the episodes. I only have mirtazapine from the family doc, and the neurologist is still having me do depakote. She's not as bad as when I first moved her in with me months ago but sure does have her nights/days. I'm wondering if going with a good gerontologist would make it possible to drop the neurologist and the family doc, as it looks to me like our appointments with the neurologist twice a year are about useless.

If she has Remeron and Depakote, she should be doing better. Is it possible she is forgetting to take them? Or she is ditching the pills? Her behavior sounds like OCD, but is the neurologist aware of her behavior? Has he done any brain imaging or other tests? Personally I would stick with a neurologist only if he is one who is board certified in dementia/alzheimers and who is extremely thorough.

Since it's your home, I think you should set up some boundaries immediately. You are not her slave and you must remember that or you won't make it through. Don't let her make you feel as though you are doing something wrong. You are sacrificing your own life for her. And if it doesn't work out, at least you tried. Take Care and Good Luck !! :)

I went through an INCREDIBLE amount of physical, financial and emotional stress (not to mention the turmoil my husband and young son went through, too!) in moving my 84 y.o. mom with us, and sort of knew it would be on me, anyway, since my sister hasn't lived in the same state as ours for many years (and still doesn't). It took THREE moving vans to move my mom's stuff into the larger house my husband and I purchased (the move of our stuff took ONE van). It's been over two years and my mom STILL complains that she doesn't have [whatever] because we donated it, lost it or had it stolen by the contractors we had in the house for six months doing a room addition for HER benefit. Does she acknowledge that she's lucky we were considerate to move as much of her stuff into our house as possible to make her feel comfortable? Does she appreciate the room addition that is SOLELY for her benefit? Nope. We only get complaints about the missing stuff (98% of which, I might add, has been found in a box here or there, but she never apologizes for having made a stink about it). I think you have to just let the complaints roll off your back or you will go nuts! I've reminded my mom several times of the sacrifices we've made for her and it seems to make her more appreciative for a while, but she slips back into her ungrateful attitude and complaining. It's gotten to the point where I leave the room every time she enters, because I don't want to hear yet ANOTHER complaint.

OK...I have the tylenol issue straightened out (I think). I give them to her as needed. We went to her new PCP and he said no more than 6 a day. I threw the 650 mg tabs away and went with the 500mg so that cut the intake some too. She has to have them crushed as she has herself convinced that she can't awallow them. She had an incident a few months back when one caught inher throat. So now they're crushed and taken with pudding. I have to crush them since she can't twist the pill crusher I tried giviing her more than one at a time but she put some froom one container into the other and then claimed she "spilled" the one with less in. I caught onto to that real quick. LOL Now we have a new issue with her wanting to know exactly when I'm going to be home if I go to the store. I went to a local discount drug store the other evening and told her I didn't know how long I would be since I had to get several items but that I would be back. I was gone an hour and 15 minutes and when I got back home she was on the phone having dialed 911. Instead of calling me (she has the number) or my daughter (has that number too) she was scared something had happened to me and called the police to find me. So 5 minutes after I walk in the door here come the police knocking. What an embarrasment that was. I supposed I should be thankful she had the presence of mind to dial 911 but what in the world is she going to do when I have to finally go back to work on Monday? Luckily I got an apartment less than 5 minutes from where I work and I caan check on her a few times a day. I think it won't be too long when I'll have to consider in-home care while I'm at work since I can't get her out of the house to go to adult day care.She told me last night that I'm a horrible daughter because I'm putting a white board with phone numbers on it up on the wall where it is in her line of sight. She said she didn't want it there that she wanted a certain picture up instead. The picture already had a "home" that she determined but all of a sudden she wanted it moved. I refused for very good reasons and she threw a fit. I told her I wasn't going to be screamed at, have horrible things said to me and went out the door to sit in my car for a little while. I did assure her multple times that I WOULD BE BACK!. When I came back in about 20 minutes later she was calmed down and said yes I could put the white board up and leave the picture where it is. I told her there are certain things I will not compromise on when it comes to her safety and well being and the white board is one of them. She does know in her heart of hearts that what I am doing is for her well being but has a hard time accepting all the changes. I know she misses her old home ( I set this one up as much as possible to replicate the old place) because I miss my home too. I had to move in here with her since I had no room to move her into mine with me, my daughter and 2 granddaughters. Besides that I just didn't have the room, our lifestyle there would have drove her nuts with all the coming and going in the house with 2 teenaged girls.Hopefully we will work our way through all this in time. By the way she has a Rx for Ativan but won't take it...says she's afraid she'll get addicted to it. Realy? I sneak a half dose into her tylenol every so often just to get her to chill out. I know this is long but I have to add that I found something out at the Dr. the other day. He says she is in the end stages of COPD and referred her to a pulmonist. i did look this up but didn't get a lot of info on it. Does anyone have any real life experience with this?

I'd like to hear some input on your last question, Sneaky. My Mom was given 6mons. and Hospice in Nov. now her breathing seems fine.One thing for sure is keep her moving. Mine put herself to bed last Aug. and hasn't got out since. Needless to say I have to wait on her hand and foot 24/7. I have a very hard time dealing with the resentment that it was her choice to be bedridden.Her last visit to the Pulminolgist July 30th concluded she was in moderate stage and to above all 'keep active'. She did just the oppisite, at my expense.

to whodatunk..the only information I really got from the Dr was that mom will have at least 1 life threatening breathing episode within a year. She has severely diiminished lung capacity.She decided probably over a year ago that she didn't need to do the nebulizer treatments because they didn't make her feel better like the rescure inhaler did. What she wouldn't hear from me or any health care professional was that the nebulizer went deeper into her lungs to help keep them open. Again she knows best!!! There isn't much information on the net about this disease that I've been able to find. I would like to know more.

Seems odd the Dr. would predict what they call an 'exasperation', I'm wondering how he would know that. Maybe he was speculating.Anyway, I also have portable oxygen tanks,besides her concentrator, when she has a hard time breathing ( I call them episodes) I give her 1/2 a Xanax and hook her up to the portable as it is pure oxygen. Within 20mins.she is calmed down and I sneak her back on the concentrator (switch hoses). I do know whith my mom, there's alot of anxiety about not being able to breath and the more the anxiety the worse the problem gets ie; Xanax.

I'm sure it was a speculation based on her history, physical condition and lung function. But I understand on the anxiety of not being able to breathe. My mom does the same .....the more anxious she gets over anything the more problems she has breathing. She is on a low dose of Ativan but most times won't take it unless I sneak it into her somehow. She has been getting better on taking it though. I think she is finally convinced that it is to her benefit to stay calmer. We also have a back-up tank of oxygen for emergencies. I'll have to keep your method in dealing with an episode in mind.

I don't have COPD but I was diagnosed with hypersensitivity pneumonitis about 20 years ago and there is NOTHING as terrifying as feeling like you can't get enough air. My lungs have improved, but I still remember telling myself "there is enough oxygen" because you want to panic and hyperventilate. Haven't got any cures, or ideas really, but I do have great sympathy for the panic.

Lastresort, never heard of that but look up 'Salt Pipe', might be of interest to you.

This is tough and sounds like you are doing all the right things and making a huge sacrifice.

Please consider getting some in home care for her a few hours a week to give yourself a break and check in on her. Get her to go to the senior center for daily activity and lunch if possible several days a week and that will give her a welcoming place to go and help her to make new friends.

Most of all, TAKE care OF YOU! You need your sanity and health and well being as much as mom.

Good luck.

I'm really surprised there's not more input on COPD.My mom goes through other episodes where she is confused. Like this evening, everything else was normal (which, normal around here, is really insane) and she's like "where am I?' "I want to get up for dinner". I just went along like every other day and asked her what she wanted to eat and that was it. I wonder if she has those moments where she's not getting enough oxygen. I don't know.Sometimes I think she's faking, for the attention. I do know it's been quite a journey so far and I really do wish you Peace and don't do to much, to soon. Let her or expect her to do as much as possible to help herself.

Be aware that I can tell my oxygen fluctuates with the weather. I get where I can't remember common words, names,things like that. When the weather changes it comes back. I seem to have had enough oxygen deprivation to have some stroke symptoms from it sometimes. Mine was made worse by the fact that we moved from Dallas Texas to Boulder, Colorado. My specialist at the lung hospital in Denver said that the symptoms were made worse by the lower oxygen at elevation. The little air sacs in my lungs swell shut so when the barometric pressure changes so does my air capacity. Not looking for sympathy, I am worlds better now. But the situation gave me first hand insight into the whole lung thing. My dad has copd, and my mom had her lungs fill up when she had her heart bypass, so I can see the similarities and calm them down sometimes because I know what it feels like. They told me at the hospital that my repeating "there is enough oxygen, there is enough oxygen" like the little engine, to calm myself probably helped as panic and hyperventilation just make it worse. I was a breeder of cockatiels and parrots and had to give all my "babies" up. Also gained 50-75 pounds on the steroids but I seem to be addicted to breathing so you do what you must. The sensation of not having enough oxygen is terrifying.

Oh, Sneaky.... Mom has COPD but she also has at least mild cognitive impairment. Judgement is not so good. Perspective has been lost. It will seem personal but it's not, she just can't think her way through things that make her anxious anymore. Google COPD treatment and you find tons of info, probably more that you can digest. Her pulmonologist will want to make sure her oxygen and CO2 levels are OK and not adding to her mental confusion. I wish you well! I have a cousin in Colorado in the same boat.

GOOD job getting a proper limit set on the Tylenol by the way. 4/5 grams a day is way too much, 2.5 or less is a lot safer...if she's getting 3grams or more, have the doc follow her liver function tests....

i'm sorry about your situation. I really don't have any advice for you except to set boundaries and practice self care. xo from a fellow Ohioan. :)