Mom being moved out of state behind my back. Any advise?

It is the dementia talking. My mom lived with me for two years. Everytime I would wash her hands or give her a bath or changer her Depends she would shriek at me as to how much she hated me. It is hard to listen to. I just told her I loved her and went on about my business. She forgot about it after we were out of the bathroom. Seems your brother did what you asked but not in your timeframe. Have you been able to visit her even though she own't talk on the phone? Are you and your brother on good terms? What does he say about her condition? Wish you luck. It is a difficult road to travel on but you are not alone.

Dementia, or not, you should try not to feel guilty because, In my experience, the elderly seem to love the ones that they are not with and are not in constant contact with. I know it feels as if you "did not do a good job", but health issues will sometimes override common sense and the elderly seem to be drawn to those that they feel better around because those people say or do what they want. You took care of her for 10 years and now it is your brothers turn. Your mother has a full 9 years and 5 months to determine that your brothers' caretaking is inadeqate. Maintain a good relationship with your brother and his family, offer respite relief to your brother, and accept your mothers opinions as an unavoidable consequence of aging and poor health.

KS, I'm really sorry to hear how you're feeling, and I'm a little surprised that you haven't had answers before now. Please could you explain a bit more about what happened with your family? I'd like to understand better in what sense or - God forbid - how your mother lost her youngest child and her grandchildren; because I suspect that's at the root of this, isn't it?

How old is your mother? Does she have any physical or known mental health issues? The symptoms you describe, especially the self neglect, depending on your mother's age, would make me think 'depression' first, well ahead of dementia.

If you could clarify a little more it would be really helpful. Hope you'll come back.

Countrymouse is so right. If you look up the symptoms of dementia they are almost identical to the symptoms of depression. Sometimes I think the worst decision I made with my mother is to drag my feet with anti-depressants because I had this mis-conception that she needed to work through her grief at loosing my father. There was a near miraculous turn-around in her desire to get up and get going in the morning. She was actually happy to see me when I visited her at her assisted living apartment and her constant anxiety was at least abated. This was all at the very lowest dose possible.

I am sorry you were deceived ,but let him take care of her . It will give a respite that you need. We never want to give up on our moms no matter what . But remember one thing you must take of you be fore you can care for others. I will be praying for comfort in this time.

All of the responses here are good ones. Of course you are sad about your mom being moved away...but truly, it is the dementia talking and she may have depression issues also. This was the situation with my mom and I experienced all the heartache you are feeling now.

Your brother actually did a good thing for you; I know you don't think it now, but if he is POA and lives out of state, your mom's condition may deteriorate further--and living with the POA will help address these issues immediately without sibling disputes. My sister is the POA of both our parents; I live with 94 yr old dad who has advanced dementia (but can ambulate) and close to mom's nursing home so I do most of the daily stuff. Every single issue involving their health had been a tug of war between us. It was ghastly for the first 2 years; now POA sis has realized how much unnecessary emotional pain she has caused and has become kinder.

Truly KS, things will get better for you. A free support group at a nearby assisted living facility will help enormously--try the www.alz.org website; they have great listings. I go to a support group nearby at least 2x monthly and it is a comfort and very reassuring. I know it will help you too. Caregiving is very isolating and causes damaging depression. Don't let this happen to you!

At least you know your dealing with FEAR/GUILT, which are the same thing.
Just having this consciousness can help you to rise above it.
We walk to love or fear-that is it.

I'd be thrilled if this happened to me. Come get my dad and take him wherever you want.

Your brother will soon get the same treatment you got. Do not feel guilty. He is exercising his right being POA and it would appear there is very little you can do about it. You did good by her -- but the act of turning on your caretaker is a very common thing with someone with dementia -- witness the many comments of others who have been through this. Don't take it personally because it is "written in the books." Keep in touch with your brother as best you can and if possible get counseling for yourself (you can start by reading other's experiences on this wesite.!) In time he will come to understand, and if you want, perhaps you two can patch things up. Dementia is a horrible thing and the situation can destroy more than the patient.

Do not feel guilty ...... This was NOT your plan and you didn't do it !

You need the rest. You have been the caregiver for so long, is feels strange not having mom around to care for. It's better that mom is closer to POA for decision making. Get busy with your life. You need to start living again. You can do this.

Could you go visit your brother and your mom? That way you could assess the situation and see if your brother is taking good care of your mother. My oldest sister had POA and knew NOTHING about caring for someone with Alzheimer's disease and refused to learn. When my mom could no longer be on her own (but my sister rarely visited her and would have continued to allow my mother to be independent), I just moved in and while both my sisters were upset at first, they finally realized I had done a good thing.

send her cards and little love notes and fotos anyway. Sounds like depression and anti depressants seem like a GREAT IDEA ....visit when you can.....do it for her and ( FOR YOU ) and let your love shine thru.....

Of course there are as many questions as there are answers.

This has been already asked before, but do you and your brother get along and are you talking to one another?

I find that guys are often really different about these things, they decide to do something and just do it, and because you already asked him to come out and get her, he decided to and you had already, in his mind, given permission to do so.

Again, not that all men are like this, but I've observed through personal experience and others experiences that men just don't communicate well to begin with, at least not in the manner that we can understand or that supports our emotional needs in a given situation.

My thought is that he probably thought he was helping you out and probably does not understand why you are upset about it.

As far as feeling guilty about it. Are you feeling guilty because you could not take care of her anymore? Are you feeling your should have been able too? Are you feeling you let your mother down?

I think we all at some point need to or have looked deeper into ourselves to answer these questions and to come to some kind of peace within about the situations we are faced with.

Guilt is a reaction to a perception that you have done something wrong. In the case of caring for an elderly parent whom may have dementia, or at the very least has been lost in a deep depression, unless you are a health care professional that works with patients in this area, how could you have done something wrong?

We caregivers are generally speaking, not professionals in this field (some are) and are literally winging it! Especially if we don't know that our parent or loved one has dementia or something of similar extremes. How the heck do we know until it gets really bad or a Dr suggests this is what is going on?

As an example, my mom was finally diagnosed 5-6 years into Alzheimer's and Frontal Lobe Dementia. So she was actually well into it before we knew what was really going on.

We thought she was in a deep depression, which as mentioned prier has some very similar results.

As an example, my mom was a Sociopath, so life wasn't exactly pristine for my brother and I and my mom and I have had a rocky relationship throughout my life. Still we had been getting along well for a few years and then something happened that was so much like when I was younger and i totally went off.

I was so angry with her, and just basically wrote her off for a few months.

Then my brother who lived next door to my mom and I got together and started comparing notes about how she had been acting the past few years, and realized that something was wrong.

While it took another year before we were able to get her into a Dr. we knew something was off, and as I live in USA and she and my brother lived in Canada, I didn't have the advantage to see her on a day to day level.

The long and the short of it is, I felt some guilt once I realized what the situation was and finally understood that she had dementia and what that meant, however I didn't know at the time and because of her disposition in general it was just to me a part of her personality.

So I realized that I really wasn't guilty of anything, I didn't know her position and had I known I would have treated the whole thing differently.

Basically...there is nothing to feel guilty about in the end.

Love yourself and know that you have done the best you could and can with what you have and there is nothing wrong with that, and no you could not have done better...none of us could.

Also, it is true that while at the moment your mom is disrespecting you and being mean, if it's dementia, your brother will understand very well what the deal is very soon.

Try to find some peace within yourself that your mom is being cared for and if you feel the need to be a part of it, offer the respite when mom has settled down, and yes go and visit with them...that would be a good idea.

Don't feel guilty. Your mother is being mean most likely because she now feels you left her. She simply does not understand. I go through this constantly with my own Mom. She will be nasty and beliggerant one day, and than a half hour later she will be sweet as can be. I think these people have constant mood swings. Remember she just moved in with your brother, after staying with you all these years. She simply does not understand what's going on. So she of course blames you, because she is no longer with you. Try not to let it get you down. Theres really nothing you can do, but ride it out. Don't blame yourself though, whatever you do!

I totally understand...the feeling of dying inside..my mom has dementia and yes she can get hateful..My father died five years ago and I have been her only caretaker. I have two older brothers who are deadbeats and so it was put on me...I kept my mom for 4 years and finally I couldn't do it anymore alone...so I and her doctor made the agonizing decision to put her in a home. She loved it for almost a year then dementia started setting in and now she is unhappy and it breaks my heart. So I go visit her every other day..Please don't take it personally, it is her mind. GOD BLESS

From my mothers experience, her brothers put their mother in a poorly kept nursing home while my dad recovered from a heart attack. Of course they put her
In one near my mom so she could do the running and supervision of her care.
Mom needed a few weeks off taking care of her! 6 weeks later my mom found Gram in a dirty dress which was on backwards, and when she pressed for answers was told her mother hadn't swallowed a bite of food in 7 days.
The next day mom went and got her!! I even came to help for a week from 100 miles away. It took both of us to get her eating and drinking again.
She later went into a boarding home where Gram thought they were family. Lived there 7 or 8 years before she passed away. (I wish there were places near me like that as my mom needs it now. She is in a semi-assisted living. They don't give her meds, I have to monitor them and some other needs. She is reluctant to get to know the 20 or so others there. She would be so much happier if she would socialize with others. As you've seen here there's SO many things to consider. (the basics tho are health concerns, cleanliness, attention when needed, friendliness from workers, etc.). Which mom seems to have.

Best of luck staying informed as to how your mom is being cared for and if she is
reasonably content to be there.

I don't mean to be flippant, but I've turned the corner on guilt. The sad fact of the matter is that many seniors find a scapegoat on which to dump all their fears and anxieties. The closest available person is their caregiver. I'm not to blame because my dad is hurting, or regretful, or old or he's going to die soon. Sorry. I'm just not.
I provide housing, health care, companionship, entertainment, administration of his affairs, transportation, etc. etc. If he needs to scream at someone, he can scream at the wall. I'm not the bad guy. In fact, if it wasn't for me he'd be on the street or dead already. I hope one of my children takes as good care of me at 87. I also hope I'm thankful for it. If not, I hope I'm dead.

KS, I think you got a lot of good advice, but knowing intellectually that you did right by your mother is one thing and actually applying that assurance to your inner self is another matter. It will take time. Know that our hearts are with you. Debra's advice to send your mother love notes and photos is right on. It will make you feel better about the situation and may turn your mother's attitude around.

P.S. I think the lag between your post and the first response was because your question didn't appear in the email updates until today.

What totally shocks me is that your brother actually came and got her.
Don't feel guilty. Call him and ask him how it is going. Be sympathetic. Ask him if he understands now how you felt when you called him. Let him vent.
Send mom a card and some flowers, visit when you can, but not for long.
After an hour the dark side comes out, anger emerges. That's when you kiss her goodbye and tell her you'll be back.

It is sad and hurtful that the ones we love go away in their minds. I think your brother should have included you on this decision. All you can do is tell him how this is hurting you. Keep the communication open if you can. As for your mother it was the best thing for her to have care, and hopefully its good care? She sounds like she has dementia. This is a hurtful time for you, have you considered a visit this summer? If not its ok its hard to let go, but you need to.

So far all these posts are right. Especially the one where this was said by LadyAveAve "Your brother will soon get the same treatment you got." She will turn on him once she gets used to being there. I don't think that's much consolation, but it isn't because you are mean or that she is mean. It is simply dementia-(which is not a simple disorder)
My own mom has dementia and the mind is fading fast. We can tell her something and 5 minutes later she can't remember what we were talking about. Some days she can't stand it one more minute, (she doesn't know what she can't stand) The next day, we might say Let's go for some ice cream, "But, of course" she says.
What your brother did might be a blessing in disguise. If you're a believer, you know what I mean.
Hang in there and remember that it is NOT your fault. It doesn't sound like your brother did it right, by sneaking around and taking your mom without communication. Maybe he thought you were "done" . Is she living with him or is she in a NH now? There is a lot more to the story and I bet you aren't the bad guy here.

You do need the rest. It is very hard for all of us caregivers to see someone leave in any condition and circumstance but the way your brother did it is disgustingly. I think he should have talked to you about it first. My only thoughts is maybe write to your mother and tell her you needed extra help and it was your brother who moved her. Or if she's with your brother call his house and see if you can talk to her. I think writing her a letter would be best. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through.