My mom who is an otherwise physically healthy person broke her hip twice. She fell as they were packing to leave their independent apartment due to being isolated and locked down. They moved to another facility that does not lockdown because they are strictly independent apartments. This is their first move from their home of 30 years which will be closed on next week. My Dad is 91 my Mom 77. She was not cooking, cleaning, yard work, paying bills - my sister and I had been doing all of that at their house. She maintained she was depressed since her sister had suffered a very unexpected stroke that left her unable to communicate or care for herself and she thought she was having stroke symptoms too. Doctors disagree. My dad is blind and physically challenged moving around. She fell trying to get out of bed in the hospital and when she got to rehab after a week did the same thing and had to have another surgery to make repairs. She called us and cried everyday in rehab, bring me home I will do therapy there. We brought her to their new apartment and she sat down and has not moved. She will not participate in therapy, shower, dress, NOTHING. Taken her to a psychiatrist who is working with her and medicated her for depression but she just does not try at all to participate in that either. She can barely get around even though it’s been 3 months since her surgery. When I ask her to take walks during the day she says she does not want to hear that. How much is depression and how much is her letting us know she does not like the new situation, which my dad loves since they have meals, no more medication reminder worries, and house cleaning every week. Anyone dealt with a situation like this?
You don't mention her spouse; they have started out in all this with a big age difference. Was he already somewhat debilitated? If so, a move to independent living where there is more they had to do for themselves might have been difficult.
I think you are looking now at someone who has been so injured, likely with so much pain, that there is nothing to look forward to other than a long slow slide into oblivion for them both.
You have rightly got the assessment. Mom is now on medication. It can take as much as 2 weeks to work on the depression, and there is often, understanding this is anything but an exact science (as a doctor told me), a search for the drug cocktail that might help.
I am so sorry. This is not an easy life passage. I am 78. I get around relatively well, garden, walk daily, do home, etc. BUT it doesn't get easier. There is more and more aching and more and more a feeling of time compressing and it being just one more day. You aren't there yet, but really talking to elders you may get a feel for what they experience.
You are right there and doing all you can. Remember there is only so much you CAN do. Allow her to say what she feels. Don't negate her feelings about this difficult time for her. Tell her you understand as much as you can without being there. Tell her that you will do anything you can to help. Quite honestly there might not be a whole lot more you can do.
She may think now that moving into your home (s) would help her. That is very unlikely imho.
Breading your hip or any other part of your body, really hurts and is painful and the older you get the harder for your body to mend.
I doubt your mom is playing, she is letting her true feelings show and that us she us not happy.
you really can't help being depressed and pills make it worse.
if sge can't live with you, you need to explain that to her snd you need to show extra live and visits and phone calls to helo her get over her dexpression.
She also needs things to do to keep busy like puzzles, pain by number, listening to music, go out to eat, family members visiting. Activites when she's able like Swimming, Going for a walk in the park, coming over for dinner, ect.
Juse put yourself in her shoes and do what you would want done for you if the situation was reversed
It may be all the changes. First she is married to an old man with health problems that at 77 she is responsible to care for. Didn't have one surgery but two. As we age, anesthesia can do a number on us. Even showing Dementia type symptoms after the surgery. 3 months to recover from a surgery for a 77 yr old is not that long. Then she has to leave a home she lived in for years. Now she is in a new strange place.
And rehabs, I will not go nor send my DH to one if there are other options. PT/OT only takes up a couple hours of each day the rest of the time I bet Mom was in a wheelchair stuck in her room or in a common area where she knew no one. I call that depressing.
My GFs daughter is busy all the time. Told her I didn't know how she did it. She told me she suffered from depression and keeping busy helped to keep it at bay. Mom needs to understand the more she does, the better she will feel.
I would imagine that some of this is the fact there is quite an age difference in mom and her hubby. What didn't seem like a big deal 50 years ago now casts her in the role FT caregiver and she is still young enough to want to have some semblance of a life (just guessing).
My DH is only 4-1/2 years older than I am but acts 20. We are going to be entering retirement planning soon and I am going to INSIST on couples counseling with him. We married and I was way too young and that has come back to bite me--I had to grow up along with 5 kids.
An antidepressant that isn't showing signs of working in 3 months is not working. Back to the doc for a uptick in the dosage or a new med altogether. Some talk therapy may help her decide how to move forth.
She has a lot on her plate--moving and 2 surgeries and just the garbage-y way the world has been this year as affected EVERYONE.
Probably mom just isn't listening to you at all. My kids don't listen to me at all. A disinterested 3rd party would be helpful.
And I agree with the lingering after affects of long term anesthesia. I had my gallbladder out 24 years ago and it took me 1 full year to get 'ok'.
What works for one person with depression may not work for another. And you indicate she wasn't fully functioning prior to the broken hips? To some people, depression is the 'norm' and they don't KNOW how to be 'happy' (or rather, functional).
While I treated for cancer last year, I kept so busy it was nuts. But I didn't want self pity to overwhelm me, as it wanted to. It was VERY hard to get up each day, feeling like trash and make a day be worth the living. It's worth it, but very hard to do.
So, clearly, your mother started having mental health issues before this recent episode.
It could be depression - or it could be dementia. I don't think dementia should be ruled out, since lack of interest in personal hygiene and inability to manage one's financial affairs are classic symptoms of dementia.
It is a common phenomenon in seniors that they believe that "if only" they can get "back home" - whatever that means - that all will be well, and their previous level of functioning will return - even though this belief is irrational.
Most people in this country die between 70 and 80. (Incidentally, that has not changed since Psalm 90 was written in 1440 BCE that stated, "The days of our life are seventy years— Or even, if because of strength, eighty years.") The current median age for Alzheimer's disease onset is only 62.
Some people have exceptional genetics that enable their body to age more slowly than others. However, the reality is that very few people at 77 are able to be as fully independent as when they were even 67.
In addition, a string of health crises and general health bad luck will cause our body to age more rapidly than otherwise. So, a person might be very "aged" at 77 whereas another person might be more "youthful" who has not experienced a lot of health crises.
Dragonflower is mostly right: 78.5 years is the average US life expectancy--at birth. But the life expectancy of the average US 65-yr-old is several years longer:
"[M]en in the United States aged 65 can expect to live 18 more years on average. Women aged 65 years can expect to live around 20.6 more years on average." Ref: statistica.com
Why: The average 65-yr-old has survived many causes of death--infant mortality, childhood disease, adolescent suicide, military service, workplace injuries, etc.
It's so hard, knowing what to accept and what to try to change. That old Serenity Prayer stuff. Life expectancy is definitely a part of the equation. Do your best, Abell, and then take care of yourself. The only way. Sending love, stranger.
If your mother truly is depressed, then her psychiatrist will medicate her, the medication will take effect, and she should be willing to get on with life. If that doesn't happen, then you'll know she's given up. You can always have a heart to heart talk with her to see where she stands.
My mother is almost 94 and continuously says she wants to die. Who am I to tell her that's 'wrong' or she 'shouldn't' feel that way? She's the last man standing in her family of 8 siblings, her husband of 68 years is gone for 5 years now, she's in chronic pain & suffers from all sorts of debilitating health issues. When she says she wants to die, I tell her I understand where she's coming from, but that decision is up to God, not me or her.
I don't know what your mother's situation is, exactly, but to me, it sounds like she's given up. If so, let her know that you understand and will be there to support her and not force her to do anything she doesn't want to do.
If she's responding unfavorably to her new living arrangements, then she should acclimate at some point, which they all seem to do once the newness wears off and they make a couple of friends.
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with a very difficult situation.
Maybe depression is a natural state - a mental space while the body, mind & spirit adapt to big changes.
She has left her old life behind (perceived independance, intact health) but has not yet accepted her new life (aging, hips replacements, husband's health issues, sister's sudden stroke, moving home, loss of independance).
A health nurse once described adapting to big changes to me as "being in a boat tossed upon the waves - having left one shore but not yet arrived to stand upon firm ground of a new shore".
Keep up the talk therapy & depression meds. Be supportive & hopefully in time she will adjust.