My 91 y o mom recently went to short term rehab last summer but was not able to return to Sr independent living apartment so she is now a resident if the SNF/LTC facility. I usually visit her every other day and also do her laundry for her. Since Christmas day episode when I visit her I have kept it short and if she starts to guilt trip me or say I'm lying about the situation or her where her things are I leave. It always happens. Lately she's been calling me and being mean or hanging up on me or saying "she's finding a new family ". She doesn't have her own phone just for this reason and ask to use the nurses desk phone and they help her. I've gotten to the point now where if that ph number comes up don't even answer it cause I know if its a staff member calling me about something that's happen w my Mom they will leave a message.I have 2 older brothers that don't visit or call her or deal w her or any of her financial or medical issues. I've told my mom when she gets on a roll to call her son's about stuff. But she never does. I know she has some dementia issues but I really think and feel she knows what she's saying to me to hurt me verbally. I confront her also on what's she said or made me feel and she never acknowledges what she said to me and uses the "I don't remember " or " I am a dummy now"
Should I just quit visiting her and only go once a week. I've told myself this is what I should do but end up visiting her as I feel like I am one of those family members that dumped their mom in a nursing home.
Reason for this move, is to give mom a chance to settle into her new environment and to reduce the tension between the two of you. Stop answering these calls from her.
Stop allowing guilt to run the show. Elderly people will decline. Sure, they can stabilize for a short time, but then the condition will progress. If the elder chooses to leave the facility, in most cases, they will decline in a couple of weeks in their own home environment due to the lack of structure. At least in a SNF, they are on a routine for meals, medications, hygiene, physical therapy, and socialization due to other staff and residents. The routine keeps them stabilized. However, with one worn out caregiver and in a home environment, they will decline quickly and caregiver is included. One person is not cut out for long term care of a sick person without eventually suffering healthcare and financial issues themselves.
Trust and believe you made the right call for your mom's care. Do something nice for yourself. Drop the guilt.
I vote for once a week visits. Let mom know you'll be leaving if she starts carrying on, too. I did that with my mother in Memory Care and if she wanted company, she miraculously behaved herself nicely. Even with advanced dementia. It's not our fault they're old and infirmed. We didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. It is within their control, however, to treat us decently.
Best of luck to you.
If she hangs up first that's all the better.
You aren't going to change anybody,
so.....................
It's time you change your own way of handling things and your own reactions. Best of luck.
Your brothers have the right idea. Be more like them.
And for heaven's sake, stop doing her laundry. I'm sure the facility has laundry service, and she can avail herself of it rather than impose on you. Is this a lifelong game she's played with you? Annoying and insulting and taking advantage of you until you pay attention to her or provide some service that she wants? Because it's time for that game to be over.
Best wishes in dealing with all of this. I'm sure you'll be much happier when you set your boundaries and stick to them.
You do not have to be abused. If your visiting and Mom gets started just get up, kiss her on the cheek and tell her you will be back when she can talk to you nicely. If its once a week you want to visit, then its once a week.
You "feel like one of those family members that DUMPED their mom in a nursing home". Why? You did not Dump her! She is there because her advancing age and her declining health have necessitated it. You can not fix this for her!
She is playing on your own insecurity and guilty emotions, and yet you keep showing up for her and allowing it again and again.
You are right not to answer the phone calls. It is not to hurt your mother, but to protect yourself from the harassment.
Do not feel obligated to go and visit her once a week or more. When you visit, it should be because you feel in your heart that you wish to see her, and to ease her burden of loneliness. If you go less often, and she stops relying on you, she may start to accept her new lifestyle and make friends with other residents.
You are not responsible for her situation. And, you can not fix it or change it, no matter how much she complains. And, yes, her dementia will cause her to act out in a way that you never expected, and that she can't control. So, when she does say unkind things, try and let it go. Remind yourself this is part of her disease. Have a little sympathy for her and do what you can to ease her pain. Do not feel guilty about her life circumstance. It sucks growing old and being in a nursing home at the end of your life. Let her grieve her former life.
She is angry at her losses. We all would likely feel the same. And you are the closest "punching bag" near her; but your role is to not stand there and just take it -- to be her personal punching bag.
Had the same w/my mom. I finally said it, "you are mad" at this situation but I did not cause it and further I cannot fix it for you. I would be mad too, but I am not your personal punching bag. If you cannot be civil, then I will leave and it will be a week (next time two weeks), etc before I visit or call.
She was too far gone -- dementia -- to modify her behavior and one cannot expect them to change into a nice butterfly once entrenched in this pattern. So "let her," let her be as mad as hell and you do you, your thing for your mental health even if that means "no contact" or very little contact. Nothing you can do will change her or the situation and she is getting the care she needs. Stepping back is gut wrenching but for your health and well being it is likely to help.
Also I worked with a great therapist to work through and process all of this, still working on it even 2 years after my mom passed. Worth considering getting that type of help or grief counselor for yourself as this is a really tough journey that none of use asked to take.
Best wishes, hugs and hope you do not beat yourself up for the hard decisions you now have to make.
How do we take care of our own mental, emotional, and physical health while still caring for and loving others? By making it a priority.
When I want to quit, i try to put myself in their shoes to experience how they may feel in their circumstances.
After taking the time to renew my mind and strengthen my countenance, i am better equipped to show love and compassion.
Striving to treat others how we want to be treated, has its rewards.
maybe a staff member can have a chat with her
you seem angry with your daughter do you want to talk about it ? And get it out in the open
Onto the care place- I think it’s time you met with their head and explained the situation and ask if mother takes a call someone to supervise or no call
if she then abuses that right
No csll
It's not a good idea for a staff member to chat with her about the anger she has towards her daughter and here's why. When a professional caregiver invites this kind of interaction, that person then becomes the person who gets every complaint, demand, and anything else put on them. The care resident/client will then become extremely clingy and demanding on that person as well. There must be professional boundaries when you are a paid caregiver.
Years ago when I was first starting out in this line of work, I had a position which was pretty much just housekeeping, errands, and a bit of companionship for an old lady who lived in senior housing. The agency I worked for at the time had an incompetent office staff who didn't bother to call the caregivers when a client would cancel or the client when a caregiver was out sick. So I gave the client my phone number (there were no cellphones back then). At first it was okay and she'd call maybe on a weekend to say good night to us or something like that. Then that graduated quickly to calling the house constantly at all hours of the night and everything was an emergency. I had to quit her as a client and we had to change our phone number. Hired caregivers have to ahave professional boundaries with their clients.
If you are visiting every day right now you are just walking every day into another round of abuse and hurt feelings. Once a week visits would certainly be enough. Confirm with the staff that they need to leave messages if they need to contact you then not answering that phone number sounds like a good idea.
I told my mother that I didn't like the way talks to me or how she sends me insulting texts (yes, at 91 she still sends me texts) and that I was going to block her and this is what I got.
"Block me all you want. I am SICK AND TIRED of the way you talk to me. If I had EVER talked to Mama the way you talk to me she probably would have had a heart attack. Well guess this is goodbye. It has been a rocky 63yrs and don't think I do not remember all of them."
I haven't talked to her since. I told the facility that I would continue to care for her financially and administratively but I'm stepping back for my own mental health. They totally understand and it's been hard. I feel guilty but mostly I feel relieved. My blood pressure has gone down and I feel better than I have in years.
Good luck and HUGS to you!
I told my mother that I didn't like the way talks to me or how she sends me insulting texts (yes, at 91 she still sends me texts) and that I was going to block her and this is what I got.
"Block me all you want. I am SICK AND TIRED of the way you talk to me. If I had EVER talked to Mama the way you talk to me she probably would have had a heart attack. Well guess this is goodbye. It has been a rocky 63yrs and don't think I do not remember all of them."
I haven't talked to her since. I told the facility that I would continue to care for her financially and administratively but I'm stepping back for my own mental health. They totally understand and it's been hard. I feel guilty but mostly I feel relieved. My blood pressure has gone down and I feel better than I have in years.
Good luck and HUGS to you! .
What can change is your response to it. Let her calls go to voicemail. If she's starting up don't call her back that day. If she starts up with the guilt-tripping and demands when you visit, end the visit and leave. Maybe it would help matters if you had her doctor explain to her why she could not return to independent living or the administrator of whe IL she was living in.
It might be a good idea to have a family meeting with your two brothers. Why can't they be more involved with your mother as far as taking her calls and visiting? Don't let them off the hook that easily. Don't just dismiss the fact that they do nothing and shoulder none of the burden because they're male and your mother doesn't call on them. They need to start calling her and visiting. This will help everyone all around. Don't let them off the hook. She's their mother too.
I was a homecare worker for a long time before going into the business of it. I have come across more adult sons than I can count who 'couldn't possibly' help with any of the caregiving of mother so they'd dump it off on their already exhausted wives, sisters, and daughters.
I had a case a couple months ago of an incontinent client with dementia living with her son and DIL. The son a grown man, expected his wife who worked a full-time job herself, is caregiving for her own parents along with the couple's teenage kids, and a home to be able to caregive for her MIL too. The wife wasn't home and the caregiver's shift had ended and the client needed to be changed. He called the office trying to play the 'I can't possibly change her' card so I'd send someone out to clean her. I asked him in all seriousness if he cleans himself or does his wife have to do it. I told him that it's pretty much exactly the same thing for any person and that I will not be sending someone out. I also told him yes, it's disgusting and awkward but gross and embarassing isn't going to hurt anybody. He did it and it was fine.
Call a family meeting with your brothers. Asking them to be more in touch with your mother is not asking much. It really isn't.
Rewarding bad behavior includes listening to any verbal abuse, whether in person or on the phone.
It seems, in your mother's case, that your confronting her bad behavior is not correcting the problem but rewarding to her in some strange way.
Look up "grey rock method" and use it immediately when the abuse starts. Essentially it means being unresponsive and unengaged, so they don't get the rise out of you they're looking for.
Shorten and reduce your visits until the behavior improves. If it doesn't, at least your life will improve by not exposing yourself to such abuse.
Why are you doing her laundry?
Ask her doctor if she could benefit from medication to stabilize her moods.