Mom constantly asks if there is anywhere closer to me that she can live. Any advice?

When my mother was 94 and into the advanced stage of her dementia, she was demanding to come live with DH & I ALL THE TIME. She wouldn't listen to the reasons why that was impossible; it didn't matter to her. All she knew was that she wanted to come live with us, period. I would just repeat my stance over and over again to her, that I wasn't qualified to care for all of her medical issues alone in my home; that she needed a TEAM of caregivers & nurses available to her 24/7, so that's why her DOCTOR insisted she live in Memory Care. The End. It was not safe to live with me, nor did I have the handicapped accessibility she required for her wheelchair and other needs, in my home. My mother had fallen 95x IN Assisted Living, WITH all the special care they'd taken to PREVENT her from falling; how would things be at MY house? I shudder to think. But none of those realities mattered to mom, nor could I mention them b/c dementia was at play, so I would just repeat my mantra each time the subject was broached.

Mom was not 'lonely' or 'missing family' or wringing her hands in misery at the Memory Care, either, as others would like us to believe. Others would like us to believe that we've 'abandoned' our mothers to a hell-hole of a dungeon where nobody cares about them, where they're alone like dawgs, half-starved, dehydrated and hanging on to life by a thread all day long. That ain't how it is, folks, not even for a minute. My mother lived in beautiful hotel-like building with a large suite with private bathroom. She had caregivers who saw to her every need & genuinely loved her; sat with her after their shifts were over, even. Nurses who cared for her wounds when she got them, cried when she was transitioning, and hugged me in despair after knowing her for 7 years. She was dressed and brought out into the activity room daily where she was the cheerleader for everyone else. She participated in all the games, crafts, parties and events that went on daily. She was the social butterfly of the MC. She was the first one on the mini bus for the trips they took sightseeing in the mountains. The first one out to the garden to sit and soak up the sunshine in the early afternoon. She had daily socialization she never would have gotten living in my house with just me & my DH, that's for sure. People get a skewed vision of what AL life is really all about. Plus, she got lots of visits from ME and my DH and my kids, to boot. The moment after I left, she stopped carrying on & turned BACK into the social butterfly & happy camper she always WAS; the crying & carrying on about coming to live with me was for MY benefit ONLY. Keep that in mind, OP, as you navigate this situation.

Your mother is fine where she's at; she's got dementia so her brain is misfiring, is what's happening. She feels certain she'd be better off 'closer to you' which is a thought loop she's stuck in. Keep telling her whatever mantra you decide to tell her, and don't take what she says personally (hard to do, I know). Realize that she's in good hands where she's AT, and getting a level of care you CANNOT provide her in your home. And socialization that's not available in your home, too.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

As her dementia progresses she'll likely drop this line of questioning. Just talk about it in general terms until that day comes.

Another thought on from Lonely is Safety.

Many want to go *home* ie feel SAFE.

Add reassure that you love her & she is safe ❤️

"I want to go home
To my own warm bed
Why am I here?
No-one has said

I need to go home
Where people care
I don't know the address
But they loved me there

I must go home
I must leave this place
I want a hug & a touch
From a friendly face"

Agree with her, chat with her about a hypothetical plan, then steer onto other subjects. The point of agreeing is certainly not to make this happen, and it isn't either so much to indulge a fantasy as to avoid having to challenge her wishes or explain the reasoning against them.

You may find - :/ - that you then have to spend hours talking about the curtains for her Romany caravan by your back door... but with any luck it will just allow you to lead her away from it without her noticing.

Has she got a big, cheerful photograph of you and any other equally loved family members in her room? I don't know (of course) but I can imagine this obsession simply reflects her wanting to hold tight to you.

She's lonely is my guess. What activities do they have in her home? Does she have any particular friend there? Making connections is hard enough as an adult, with dementia (& usually hearing loss) it is even harder when elderly.

I would contact the Care Home Manager to discuss. How to build more connection to where she lives.

If her residence offers activities or events, make sure to sign her up and then join in during that time and leave right before the activity is over so that she won't have the chance to start that conversation.

Most people suffering from a Dementia want to go home or move in with a child. TG my Mom was not one of them. She seemed to adjust to each situation and she had lived in her house 55 yrs.

You cannot reason with someone who has Dementia. Short-term means they don't retain what you have said from day to day, minute to minute. Just tell her she "is" practically in your back yard. That she gets lots more attention where she is than she would at ur house where no one is home during the day. She would be alone.

My Aunt told my cousin that when the time came he was to put her into a NH. When the time came, she had Dementia and wanted to go home. Your Mom has no idea what she said in the past. She just knows what she is experiencing now. You have found a great place for her and close. Maybe you can tell her she is living inbur backyard and you found others who love living their with her and people to wait on her while you work. As someone said, you have to enter their world.

Easiest to just give a non-answer such as "We can think about that." Don't try to reason with her or engage in the discussion. Acknowledge her wish, be totally non-commital, and then move the discussion to other things. She'll ask you again and again and you can give your non-answer again and again. The frustrating part is always when you try to explain why that won't work they don't understand or accept why not and you start engaging in fruitless explanations. Remember, your mom really is like a toddler so give her the same kind of answer you'd give a 3-year-old. Don't say NO but don't agree to anything. And remember, every time you have this conversation it's the first time for her.

She most likely is lonely and misses her family, what exactly are you expecting? She has Dementia you will not be able to reason with her, I have read with time some get out of the loop, others do not. That is just the nature dementia, if she is lonely and misses her family she will feel lonely and miss her family.

Your Mom's living setting sounds absolutely amazing! Oh, if only all seniors could live in such wonderful surroundings. Plus, she's so close to you - just a few minutes away.

I would try the advice of the other posters, and just reassure her and change the subject, etc. Where she's at sounds perfect to me!

You can sleep well at night knowing your Mom is being cared for in such a wonderful environment with so much care, and beautiful gardens to enjoy. I'm so sorry she has Alzheimers, but she is very fortunate to have such a loving family who found such a lovely place for her to live.