I have DPOA over mom with dementia. She wants to revoke DPOA and give it to my nephew. Can she?

Since her dementia is causing her behaviors, just tell the facility no one is to see or take her out of the facility without your permission. Yes, the nephew can be arrested for adult endangerment, but I don't think it will come to that because the facility can be sued if they allowed him to remove her. Above all, GET YOUR INSTRUCTIONS IN WRITING TO THE FACILITY, have the administrator sign it, and give a copy to the police. Then mail a certified copy to the nephew informing him of your intentions too. That way, no one can say they didn't know your (your mother's signed DPOA) instructions. Good luck!

I believe her doctors can declare her incompetent to sign a new DPOA....a diagnosis
of dementia in itself might be all you need. Keep talking to the home and medical professionals as they have already determined she cannot be alone as it would be dangerous for her to do so. I doubt that the facility would allow him to move her...they could be sued. He's just a nephew and you a daughter with power of attorney. Have you asked the facility what they would do if he tries...I believe they would call the police themselves. Going to court would be a waste of money as no court is going to give him DPOA. Good luck and don't worry too much..just cover things with her doctor and the facility.

If your mother has dementia, how do you know what she is saying is even true? Have you spoken to your cousin about this directly? If you can't talk to him for whatever reason, suggest that he sit down with you and the doctor of the facility and discuss her diagnosis and the fact that she will say things she doesn't mean, etc. as a result.

Yes do what lilith53 says. I had to do exercise my dpoa as well as only thing was my grandma didn't want to change it, it was my cousin who tried using a false document to become her guardian and release her to into her care. Please whatever you do, don't feel guilty or bad. You are protecting your mother and yourself. Good luck!

If mom has no mention of being dementia, memory loss or alzheimers, she would be competent and can do as she pleases. Just because you are the agent she has chosen, doesn't mean you can run her life. You must have her deemed incompetent if you want to be able to protect her...unless she has. I am not an attorney, but an Estate Planner....lot's of good info here, but go back to her competency and go from there. Double check with legal counsel.

I..., you are incorrect in your assumption that I took what you said personally. My decision was made with a team and in my mother's best interest. You really have to have the experience of being locked inside a prison to really know the difference. Just like people can empathize what it must be like to take care of someone 24/7, but unless they have done it themselves it is a theory.

Let me make this crystal clear, my intent is not bellicose. What I am saying is a prison is not a nursing home. There are people who are struggling with the decision to put their loved one in a nursing home with great angst, this prison analogy could add to the guilt, which is not needed. I guess you'd call me literal minded, I'd say, I know what it is like to face the decision.

A memory care AL facility can solve a bunch of problems if you can't afford round the clock help at home. Sometimes it's the only option. If your loved one wants to be in an AL facilty, they'll see things in a positive light. But if your loved one complains they are in prison, remember: in many ways, a memory care facility IS like a prison. And the farther down the dementia road they go, the more like a prison it will seem. Most of these things are necessary to keep your loved one and others safe, but if you have dementia, you don't know that.

You can't leave when you want to, the outside doors are usually locked but your bedroom door will not lock, they tell you when and what to eat. Some places won't let you keep food in your room and the kitchen is locked, so you have to ask permission for a snack. You can't have any money of your own. If you want to buy something, you have to ask someone to give you your own money or to buy it for you. Your stuff disappears--it must seem that your family jewels (now in a safe deposit box somewhere) have been stolen; your favorite sweater turns up on another resident, who must have stolen it (laundry accidents are frequent or maybe it was stolen).

They tell you when you have to take your meds and often make you "open wide" to prove that you swallowed them. People beside the doctor you remember will prescribe meds for you that have side effects you don't like but it's hard to get them changed. If you decide you don't want to take these unwanted meds, you are labeled "noncompliant" and they try all sorts of tricks to get you to take your meds, including waking you up in the middle of the night to give them to you when you're half asleep.

If you need help with personal hygiene, strangers will watch you pee and will often take off your clothes and touch your private parts without permission. This is bad enough when you know you've soiled yourself. Imagine if you're unaware of it. People sneak up on you in bed at night and put a hand in your underwear. (They're making sure you're dry, but you don't know that.)

You'll be living with a bunch of crazy people who howl and scream for no apparent reason. With bad luck, you can share a room and bathroom with one of the crazies. If you get lucky, you might like your "cell" mate. If you have money, you might get a room all your own.

I observed these conditions when my husband was in assisted living after his stroke, before he was able to come home. At least he remembered who I was and knew that I was looking out for his best interests. With some dementias, such as Alzheimer's, the person in care doesn't even have that comfort. I also know that at some point, my husband's care will be too much for me and he'll have to go into AL again. If we could afford a continuing care community, I'd at least be nearby and part of his regular daily routine. But that's not looking so possible, so I'm trying o get used to it.

Maybe it matters whether your loved one is a glass-half-empty or glass-half-full person. If so, I might be doomed if my brain ever gives out. When you have your faculties, at least someone can explain the reasons to you and you can look for the half-full. With dementia, that doesn't work.

I hope that wasn't too depressing. ((Hugs to everyone dealing with this.))

Many elders won't have any experience of prison, either, of course. The point made was that, to elders who don't know what an actual, real prison is like, a care home they don't want to move to can look like one.

And in that they are being sent there without their consent and will not be free to leave when they wish, the analogy is valid. That's all. Perhaps if our older people really had been to jail they wouldn't be so afraid of care homes? - but I'm not sure that thought is much comfort.

Madeaa, I would not dream of questioning a carer's decision about what is best for his or her loved one, and I'm sure Iwentanon wouldn't either. Surely if there's one thing this forum proves it's that you can only do your best with the reality you have to deal with. Everyone is free to disagree , but nobody has any business to criticise another's choice. xxx

Rovana, I was trying to figure out how to write exactly what you wrote. This is the exact reason people, BEFORE they are incapacitated (either mentally or physically), need to make their wishes known TO MORE THAN ONE FAMILY MEMBER and plan ahead financially or by insurance purchase, so loved ones aren't being thrown under the bus by having to make choices that may, or may not, be made in the best interest of that person. It just isn't fair to saddle one person with all of the responsibility, yet none of the support.