My mother is 78 yrs old. Divorced from my dad for 40+yrs and receives 1/3 of his retirement. He is a good guy (86 yrs old and dying from cancer) and was ordered to pay her spousal support and later 1/3 of his retirement for life (unless she remarried or died). He has set her up with automatic payments each month from day one. How many men would pay this support without trying to escape the responsibility??? Not him -he even pays her ahead of time each month. He always asks how she is doing and if there is anything he can do to help her financially. I recently borrowed $2500 from him to help fund a car for mother. He refused to take my $$$ when I told him I was off to the bank to get a cashiers check to repay the loan. In the past he has paid for her dental needs and dentures -when he had no obligation to do so. He has had a sig other for over 30 yrs and they seem happy so I don't think he still has a thing for mother -he is just thoughtful. When dad found out he had cancer he got his affairs in order and told me everything (including $$$) was to be split evenly between my 2 siblings and myself. He must have had a change of heart because he later diverted our inheritance to an account to take care of our mother until she dies. She will continue to receive her monthly checks until she draws her last breath -anything left will then revert to the 3 children. Dad isn't rich -probably has around $200,000 in investments/cash. He says he does not want her to be a burden on her children. Trust me -she would be a burden as she only receives $250 each month in SS benefits. She would be homeless if it were not for dad's PERS / retirement contribution. Not once has he refused to support her or make those payments. He is a good man. She is a nag. Daily, weekly or monthly she tells me how he ruined her life and she could have had a happy marriage "if he would have been a better husband, communicated more with her, taken her here or there, bought her this or that...." ON and ON she goes. We were discussing my paying a visit to dad (lives in a neighboring state) just to do a welfare check -make sure things are as "jim dandy" as he states they are (often they are not...) and the subject turned (once again...) to how he has ruined her life and what a bad mate he was. I lost it with her --am so sick of hearing her dog such a good man. Good in that he takes care of her, does not want to dump her at our feet to take care of (she's never been motivated to do much and I've had to tend to her needs most of my life. I guess you could say I've become her "lousy 2nd husband"...(LOL) -God knows we fight like we are 2 miserable spouses! Mostly because she plays the victim and knows how to push my buttons. So, I asked her "why are we talking about this??????" when she began to rehash how bad my dad is. The conversation began as a simple comment about me driving down to check on him and all of a sudden I am dodging bullets about his character as a husband 40 yrs ago. I hear it all the time and I am sick to death of it! Am I being intolerant or am I right that she is driving me crazy with her unloading all of this imagined misery on me? I have a right to have a positive view of my dad, but she has always done her best to remind me that he is the source of all things miserable. I can't take it anymore.
MIL still talks about the things he did (and they were ALL HORRIBLE) as if they happened yesterday. She is as angry now as she was 40, 50, 60 years ago. It's sick, truly. She's never owned up to one iota of responsibility of the relationship, it was ALL him.
Dad kept quiet. Gave her everything in the divorce except for one rental property that was all but falling down. 1/2 his pension, for life, then the whole thing once he'd passed. She allowed him to take from their home SOME of his clothes, his old recliner, an old bed and one card table with 2 of the chairs. Not 4, 2. No photos, no memorabilia, she had a company come and threw away everything else of his.
Of course this caused a real rift in the family, if you "sided" with him, she'd cut you dead. If you invited HIM to something, she wouldn't come.
The 3 kids, all the most non-confrontational people you've ever met, just rolled with it. They realize their mother is a narcissistic princess who feels Prince Charming just wasn't all he should have been---and she has issues that will never be "fixed". Nobody ever spoke up to her or defended dad and she liked it that way.
She's 88 now, very batty and confused. She is still furious at dad. Everyone still just kind of ignores her when she gets on one about something he did in 1948.
I have a daughter who WILL NOT GOSSIP. She simply will say "this is unkind, what we are saying, it's gossip, guys, come on." And she sweetly and gently guides us away from that.
Try that on mom. Say "this is gossip. I'm not going to engage in it." If you need to, then leave. Refuse to engage and walk away. She'll get the message. You may have to do it a hundred times or so, but stand your ground. This is YOUR FATHER and whatever went on between the two of them isn't your problem.
Sadly, unless you mom feels this is a problem with her, she's not going to change. Trust me, she'll be furious if you "refuse to listen" to bad stuff about your dad--but this says far more about her than him.
I truly loved my FIL. My MIL is just a person I have to endure.
BTW--your final line in your post? You DO have a right to have a positive view of your dad. Mom has failed to poison you, and good for you. Tell her that. And then do not speak of him to her again. He's been better to her than she "deserves"..that's for sure.