My wife and I are the sole caregivers for my mother who is in the early stages of dementia. Her behavior towards my wife and I has become intolerable. She has become very hostile towards us and lashes out constantly. Last year she moved to an independent plus facility that everyone agrees is very nice. It was her request to help her find a place to live where she could get more care. She is in a wheelchair and even has trouble transferring, but now she is insisting that she be moved back to her condo against everyone's advice including her doctor's. My wife and I are at the end of our rope as we no longer have any quality time with my mom and she just keeps pushing more people out of her life and isolating herself. We have had it with her hostility.
Mark
Think "role reversal" Remember the times in your childhood when you were difficult and maybe even hostile. She is experiencing some of those same feelings you did. Fear, need for independence, loss etc. What if she had abandoned you at those times on the grounds that you were just too difficult to deal with?
Well now the shoe is on the other foot. Dementia is not something your mom dreamed up to make your life difficult. It is very real to those who suffer from it. She wants to move back to her condo because that is where she has most of her memories vested. While the Independent Living facility may offer many benefits over the condo, she has yet to realize those. In time she will resign herself to her new surroundings. Til then, patience is the name of the game. Keep her focused on the positive things in her life. That does not mean you should give in to her wishes. Remember, the roles are reversed. Ask yourself if I were the one behaving so childish, how would mom deal with me?
And remember to take it a day at a time. Otherwise you will overwhelm yourself worrying about what might happen tomorrow or burn out obsessing aboutl the bad stuff that happened yesterday.
Mine does it to me because I am in control (as Guardian), and she is not, and she has never tolerated that. She was always mad at dad; now me. She wants her way, only, and doesn't understand limits, boundaries, etc. It's sad, and she will never be pleased, no matter what. So I just do the best I can, and there is not much else I can do. Still, she fights every step of the way, to the point of saying I am "abusing" her. This is very typical of dementia, and in her case, a personality disorder. It is also very sad.
I don't mean to minimize your pain or your struggle, but relate. It hurts, and it feels crazy, but that's because it is. My mom's a terrorist, too. We call her the Momster. And being around her causes us all Mama Trauma. It's part of their drama, fear, and distress over losing control and aging. Sad for all. Sad for our parents. Sad for us. Sad to participate in and endure.
On the flip side, with dementia, things change. They don't always stay bad. Its very fluid and unpredictable. Sometimes there comes acceptance. Sometimes they smooth out, or fade, or diminish, for example. But, sadly, sometimes there comes worse things, as well. There is no set path for any particular person, and no one can tell you what to accept.
I have found Social Workers and Support Groups help. And books, and friends, and this site. I hope those things are helpful to you, too. And the knowledge that you're truly not alone. So many others are struggling with these same issues. Sorry to hear you and your wife have this trouble.
May I be so bold to suggest that you be more protective of your wife than your mother? Don't "allow" your mom to abuse your wife. You sure don't want two women mad at you, sir! Part of leaving and cleaving means you chose your wife, and must tell your mother so. (I don't mean abandon her) but tell her that she is not allowed to treat your wife badly, then walk out. It's a boundary you set with your mom, and it honors your mother. Don't worry. It's not dishonoring your mom. She needs limits and boundaries set, and can't do it herself. Don't expect her to. You have to set them, both for her, and to protect your wife. When mom is gone, your wife will thank you for it. Take care, sir, and best wishes.
The example we set in treating our parents will be our children's lessons in how to treat us when we are old. Be bigger than her complaints and balance boundaries with compassion.