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Mom's dementia is getting worse. We will not be able to care for her much longer as we cannot be with her 24/7 and I worry about her safety when she is alone. We cannot afford to put her in a home, nor can she. What options do we have?
(I wanted to give people the opportunity to give updated answers to this important question and also share what we did.)
The short answer is to search abroad. This is what we did. There are a lot of great options for under $2,000 per month in SE Asia. If you're willing and able to pay as much as $3,000 to $3,500 you can avail your loved one with literally the best care in the world: 1:1 carers specifically trained in the Kitwood style of person centered dementia care.
Lisa while I'm sure you mean well in your post(at least I hope you do) most folks here in the US are not going to send their loved one overseas to a foreign country just to save some money on their loved ones care. Most loving family members want their loved ones close in vicinity so they can be close enough to visit when they want, and keep a close eye on things. A little hard to do when a world away don't you think?
I actually only have one parent with dementia, but as I said in my note this is a repost of an earlier post from 2024 that I wanted to share with that woman what we did, but the post had be closed and I couldn't respond there. It's actually my dad that has dementia and he doesn't qualify for medicaid because his pension is too high, but also too low for actual memory care.
... I also appear to have reposted the same thing twice, because I'm clearly a genius with computer. Maybe I can remove the other one to avoid further confusion.
Well I am sorta gob smacked by your comment about the less expensive option of sending a LO to SE Asia. Most people ....once they make the very difficult decision to place a loved one in a facility (and this is after they have tried to care for their LO themselves, then hired caregivers) will try to find a place as close to home as possible. A 15 minute drive, 30 minutes, most people are not going to look for a place that is 12 hours away by plane. Most people try to visit often, once a day, once a week sometimes it has to be once a month. But when you send a LO half way around the world you know in your heart, in your mind that you will most likely NEVER see that person again. ...outta sight...outa mind...🤦♂️😱
While your intentions are good...maybe a bit off base... I doubt this is going to become a common solution. Much different if you have family in SE Asia though.
I find your premise entirely self centered. True love is doing what's best for the loved one, not yourself. Flying across the world and placing my father in a luxury facility in Thailand because it's literally the best care in the world is real love. And I don't care what most people will do, I'm not most people. I'm courageous and strong, and I'm able to do hard things, NOT because they are hard but because they are the right thing!
The fact that you and everyone else is getting bent over backwards by a corrupt system run by a crazy man, and you've convinced yourself that it's the right thing is just sad, and I felt sad enough that people like you didn't know what was out there that I took my own personal time to share what I had discovered.
My father gets one-on-one care all day every day, by people actually trained in dementia care. You don't get that. I can video call with him any time I want, and when I do (which is at least 5 times a week) I talk to him he tells me how grateful he is that he's on vacation. Every, single, time. The fact that I am paying a fraction of what I would pay in the US is a revelation! Not something to be looked at with scorn and bewilderment. It's an alarm bell that the US system is terribly broken and captured by politicians and private equity!
I do mean well funky grandma. People need to wake up and realize that the US system is both terrible and deeply broken. I know that most people don't have the courage to do what I've done, and that's ok. It's not for everyone, and my post isn't for everyone. It's for the people like me that put the care of their loved one above their own preferences.
The fact that I pay a lot less than most people (nay probably everyone) in the US, and my loved one gets the BEST care in the world, is not the main point. The point is that no one even knows such options exist!
Name me one situation in the US where you can get 1:1 care 24/7, by professionals specially trained in dementia care? You can't, no one can... because it doesn't exist. His staff are always fresh, always on, always looking at my father with love. Not even I, his own flesh and blood, could give him that day after day, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, week after week, month after month, if he lived with me. I'm very strong, but even I would break eventually.
But now I pick up the phone and video call with him at least every day, and he's always so grateful to me. He knows enough to know that he got extremely lucky. And I'm smart enough to know that I did too.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
The short answer is to search abroad. This is what we did. There are a lot of great options for under $2,000 per month in SE Asia. If you're willing and able to pay as much as $3,000 to $3,500 you can avail your loved one with literally the best care in the world: 1:1 carers specifically trained in the Kitwood style of person centered dementia care.
Most loving family members want their loved ones close in vicinity so they can be close enough to visit when they want, and keep a close eye on things.
A little hard to do when a world away don't you think?
You have already asked this question for your Dad. Those answers will be the same for Mom. You need to apply for Medicaid for both of them.
... I also appear to have reposted the same thing twice, because I'm clearly a genius with computer. Maybe I can remove the other one to avoid further confusion.
Most people ....once they make the very difficult decision to place a loved one in a facility (and this is after they have tried to care for their LO themselves, then hired caregivers) will try to find a place as close to home as possible. A 15 minute drive, 30 minutes, most people are not going to look for a place that is 12 hours away by plane.
Most people try to visit often, once a day, once a week sometimes it has to be once a month.
But when you send a LO half way around the world you know in your heart, in your mind that you will most likely NEVER see that person again.
...outta sight...outa mind...🤦♂️😱
While your intentions are good...maybe a bit off base... I doubt this is going to become a common solution.
Much different if you have family in SE Asia though.
The fact that you and everyone else is getting bent over backwards by a corrupt system run by a crazy man, and you've convinced yourself that it's the right thing is just sad, and I felt sad enough that people like you didn't know what was out there that I took my own personal time to share what I had discovered.
My father gets one-on-one care all day every day, by people actually trained in dementia care. You don't get that. I can video call with him any time I want, and when I do (which is at least 5 times a week) I talk to him he tells me how grateful he is that he's on vacation. Every, single, time. The fact that I am paying a fraction of what I would pay in the US is a revelation! Not something to be looked at with scorn and bewilderment. It's an alarm bell that the US system is terribly broken and captured by politicians and private equity!
Dear, I am frankly gob smacked at your comment.
The fact that I pay a lot less than most people (nay probably everyone) in the US, and my loved one gets the BEST care in the world, is not the main point. The point is that no one even knows such options exist!
Name me one situation in the US where you can get 1:1 care 24/7, by professionals specially trained in dementia care? You can't, no one can... because it doesn't exist. His staff are always fresh, always on, always looking at my father with love. Not even I, his own flesh and blood, could give him that day after day, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, week after week, month after month, if he lived with me. I'm very strong, but even I would break eventually.
But now I pick up the phone and video call with him at least every day, and he's always so grateful to me. He knows enough to know that he got extremely lucky. And I'm smart enough to know that I did too.