Mom lived with us 3 years in our guest house. It just got to be too much. We put her in respite then she got sick, hospital, snf, now b&c, she's miserable. Very depressed. It's a beautiful home, nice ladies there. She wants to come back. We're telling her she needs 24 hour care per doctors orders. Private care giving is just not in the budget. She's only been there 17 days, has slight dementia 93. Very unhappy. Is it possible she will ever like it?
Almost no one, EVER, enters a residential care setting and immediately embraces the new setting. Having dementia means NOT being able to make logical observations and decisions about one’s own lifestyle.
If she is cared for by her own physician, consider asking that person if a very small dose of antidepressant or anti anxiety medication might be worth trying.
Don’t get into detailed discussion about doctor’s orders or what she thinks, keep your visits short, but if you want, frequent. ALWAYS LEAVE if she gets argumentative or whiney and try again the next day.
My latest LO in residential care grew to love her surroundings gs before COVID, Then everything went to hell, but she has received excellent care throughout.
SAFETY and good physical care are most important just now.
we are getting my dad into respite for a short period straight from hospital and he’s upset about it; he got teary and it broke my heart.
my mum is main carer (she’s 83! I’m 50) we have a carer coming in a few times a day to help with bathing dressing and catheter, but we all pitch in together and mum needs a break. I find it hard seeing and hearing him upset. I wanted to bring him home to live with me but deep deep down I know that’s not the answer and not what he wants
i hope your mum settles in - sending hugs
Why? Because the babysitter wasn't my dad - I didn't feel 100% comfortable. I didn't know this person, who they were, what I could/couldn't do - how I could talk or behave; I didn't know what the expectations would be. In essence, it was the fear of the unknown.
I suspect our parents feel the same when we leave them with a caregiver; it's just the fear of the unknown and they don't feel 100% comfortable with the status quo. But it didn't kill us and and it's good for them to have a change of pace too.
Try to change your perspective a little and explain as much to your dad as you can before you leave so he wont feel completely in the dark. The more he knows and understands, the better.
I will leave you what my brother said about his going, at 84, into assisted living when he was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's Dementia: ever a kind and gentle and sensible man he said "You know, hon, it's a bit like the army. I don't much like it, but I am making the best of it" and that's exactly what he did. He picked roses out of the grounds and put them in vases on the dining tables in his cottage, a morning routine that replaced his lifetime of morning walks. He made, if not friends, of everyone, then nodding neighbors, and he advocated for people, made small gifts of compliments, etc. He was the same man in this that he had been all his life.
I hope Mom will adjust. I am sorry she is so unhappy, but you need to be certain not to replace your G words or mix them up. You will grieve your Mom's unhappiness; just see that you don't turn it into guilt.
If you are POA discuss a small dose anti depressant; for some it works wonders.
My brother ended by saying "You know the communes that were around when we were kids in the 60s? I think I just entered one. Everything is community meetings and negotiation. Pearl wants the shade up so she can draw. Miriam wants them down because of the glare. What's one to do."
I sure do hope for the best for your Mom. And the truth is that life isn't always about happiness. How many times in our lifetimes do we attain the perfect peace we want?
Here’s my suggestions, as Valentines is coming up soon ask the owner of the place as to your bringing in a snack or treat bag for everyone ahead of Valentines, and you go and help distribute them. Don’t let mom know either…. You want to be there to see what’s she’s doing and interacting with others. Ditto for doing something with the activities person, like ask if they are doing something for Mardi Gras or Easter and again you go to help. This way you can see from behind the scene as to how mom is doing.
My late MIL did the tragedy dramarama and yes she often got folks to believe her tale of woe. Her sons however knew better. When hubs would stop to visit her at her very nice NH that had her in a solo room with a balcony overlooking a well tended patio and terrific staff, I’d ask how it went, his response would inevitably be 8 out of 10 times “nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms”. The I’m feeling sorry for myself nursery rhyme. Some folks are just not going to be happy, you do your best to have them safe and secure and cared for, that’s what counts.
Time. She just needs time.
First, call the ALF to find out how mom is doing. These elders are well known for having a good time with the activities and with the social life in general, then calling US to lay on the guilt nice & thick. It's entirely possible your mom is doing just that. So ask the staff what's REALLY going on? Is mom joining in the activities or sulking in her room all day? Can they send you a photo via text of her playing bingo or laughing at an activity?
If she IS hiding out in her room, get the Activities Director involved. Ask that s/he go knock on mom's apartment door and urge her to come out and join in. At my mother's place, they do that ALL the time. It's not an unreasonable request for you to make, at all.
Secondly, you have to allow mom to adjust; it can take quite a while for that to actually happen, depending on how social a person she is to begin with. My mother hated to be alone, so she would seek others out and get involved. She adjusted quickly to AL life, as a result. But once, after she was very sick with ulcerative colitis, she got VERY depressed. She refused to leave her apartment and I KNEW she was clinically depressed, not just being difficult b/c she wouldn't EAT. My mother's life revolves around food, she's an old ITALIAN! So I called her PCP and told him what was happening; he immediately put her on Wellbutrin and she turned around on a dime; it was as if someone had flipped a switch inside of her head & she came out of her funk! She got busy socializing again and that was the end of that, thank God.
So that was actually three suggestions I gave you to think about.
1. Give her time to adjust
2. Consider anti depressants if you think she's clinically depressed which is entirely possible with dementia and after being sick, etc.
3. Fact check with the staff. This is ALWAYS important especially as the dementia progresses. They tend to exaggerate aka lie, and twist stories to suit THEIR agenda, leaving us alarmed and wanting to rush in and 'fix' the horrible situation that isn't even REAL to begin with. #Truth.
Wishing you the best of luck figuring out what's really going on with mom.