My parents live in Germany, I live in Virginia. Mom is German national, dad is a US citizen. My mom refuses to see the doctor to be tested, we know she has dementia, has been exhibiting signs for over 6 years but within the past 1.5 years has been progressively worse. It's a daily battle, from the second she wakes up until she finally passes out around 1 a.m. she asks the same questions over and over and over. Trying to redirect her attention does nothing, telling her little lies to make her feel safe and heard helps once then she becomes mean and aggressive the next time she asks the same question and tells us we are lying to her because of this or that. Trying to gain some space and going into another room for a breath is not an option, she follow. She was always a smoker but she has gotten out of control, smoking up to 2-3 packs a day. She will smoke 5 cigarettes, then empty the ashtray so no one knows just how many cigarettes she's smoked. She refuses to drink from an open bottle or glass because she thinks you are poisoning her, she knows how many pills she's is supposed to take in the morning, if you add another one she won't take it... she actually throws it on the floor and tells my dad he won't be poisoning her today. When my dad has to leave the house she calls me in a panic wondering where I am, sometimes it's very early A.M. since we are 6 hours behind. No amount of redirecting, talking or reasoning with her works anymore. I sent my dad a UTI test kit, lo and behold she tested positive for a bacterial infection. He made an appointment for her last week, she was obnoxious and extremely aggressive because she had to wait for the doctor that they were asked to leave because she was so disruptive to the other patients. No further testing, no antibiotics (not that she would take them anyway without a fight). My dad gets so frustrated with her and her nastiness towards him by the end of their day he calls me at least 5 times to talk to her and try to get her attention diverted to a different subject. I was there taking care of her for 7 weeks last year while my dad was having surgery, it was unbearable then, it's only gotten worse. I keep telling my dad that he needs to get a home aid at least for the times he has to leave the house to keep her occupied, once she's alone she picks up the phone and calls everyone on the list to ask where they are, where her parents are, where her brother is and to tell some of her distant relatives that my dad is keeping her hostage and is abusing her. I am at my wits end with both of them, I send my dad info for help in the area they live, nothing is followed up on. I send puzzles and helpful tips on how to redirect her attention, it all sits in the corner or I get told she won't do it, I give her a tablet and she plays her games for a bit (5-10 minutes then she's back at it again). I'm not sleeping worrying about both of them, I no longer have fun when I do things with my husband because I feel guilty not being there to help. I can't quit working, we have bills that have to be paid. I was there in 2023 and asked my parents what their long term plan was, their response was "we'll keep on doing what we are doing until we can't" My mom has a serious disdain for all things American, she refused to move to the states and made it clear to my dad that she would divorce him if he ever tried to make her so getting her to agree to move her is non negotiable and at this stage it wouldn't go well. I just don't know what else to do.
Again, do not move there. Your best service to everyone right now is to research what's available and what the rules are where she is. Then you will be ready to help when the crisis comes. I'm so sorry.
There is nothing you can do, literally. Dad is calling the shots on this situation. He needs to do something here, not you. I understand your concern but not your guilt. Don't confuse guilt with grief, as a former member would always wisely advise. It's ok to feel grief, not guilt, over an ugly situation. Dementia is a no win situation for all concerned. Everyone loses. I used to pray daily for God to take my mother out of her misery when she was suffering from dementia and carrying on about the dead relatives constantly. It was horrible. She lived to 95 with the last 3 years of her life being very hard to witness, never mind live through.
I'm sorry for you and your dad. I wish you peace and strength as you try to accept your inability to change this situation for your parents.
However, worrying and ruining your own life because of it doesn't change anything. You have no reason to feel guilty. You didn't cause this, and it's your mother who is keeping herself in this situation, not you. So please don't take this full burden on yourself.
What kind of system does Germany have for inpatient psychiatric care? If she was here in the U.S. I would say, next time she is having a meltdown like in the doctor's office or having an episode making accusations, to call 911 and have her taken to the ER for a psych evaluation and in-patient admission. Is there a possibility of something like that there?
Your mother is holding your dad emotionally hostage by her behavior your dad isn't wanting you to solve the problem, he's wanting you to listen.
You have the advantage of distance. Do you know any of your parent's friends in Germany? Next time your dad calls ask him to go talk to one of his/your mother's friends in Germany about her behavior and not you. Set a firm boundary with your dad that all you can do is to listen.
Don't suggest, don't send stuff, just listen.
That's all you can do till your mother snaps out of and decides to go get help. As pointed out that might be at crisis point etc. That's when you get help from the service agencies in Germany. If your dad complains enough to friends, neighbors etc in Germany it will become more of a problem to them in Germany instead of you in the United States.