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My parents were married almost 40 years. They shared a business and had a strong relationship. My mom was always an example of a strong independent woman. Since my dad died in 2020 my mom has been on every dating website there is, she has been dating manipulative and borderline abusive men. She never reaches out to me or my sisters, and is really self-absorbed. She lost a ton of weight and now judges me for carrying extra weight after having had my kids. I miss how she used to care for me, didn't judge, and checked in on us. I miss her strength and friendship. I feel like I don't even know her anymore. What can I do?

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Can you possibly reframe your thoughts to consider the possibility that she may have been one person as “dad’s wife” and “Kathryn83w’s mom”, and now is exploring a chance to be “herself”?

If she was a good, supportive, active, involved wife and mother, she may have felt somewhat squeezed out of being just a person in her own right.

Another thought- most adolescents rebel against “judgement”- could you and you mother be experiencing a bit of a throwback to adolescence yourselves, together?
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Have you actually met the men she is dating?

Your mom probably doesn't want to spend the rest of her life alone and quite frankly, I don't blame her.

Time for you to stop leaning on her strength and go get friends that are your peers. That way you won't miss her so much.

She is entitled to her life as a grown woman. Try to support her in her life more and see if that doesn't improve the relationship a bit. I bet it does.

You are a mom now, time to grow up and not depend on care and check ups from your mom to prop you up.
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Kathryn83w Apr 2022
Thank for your input. I have kids and a husband and don't rely on her for much, She lives far from me. But we did have a closer relationship where we could talk about our respective lives up until recently. Now that has fallen away. For example, I had surgery and then my whole family got covid and she called me once and in the end she didn't even ask how I was doing, just told me about her dating life. It seems out of character.
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I do think you have the right to be worried. Seems Mom has done a 180. I hated blind dates so on-line dating will not be my thing. It seems, for some, when they become a widower or widow later in life all logic goes out the door. Why is it so important that the jump into another relationship. I am all for waiting a year before making any major decisions. That goes for relationships to. You have to learn how to be alone with yourself.

You may just need to let Mom do her thing. Hopefully, she will see its not taking her anywhere.
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My mother’s weight loss was one of the first things that clued us in that something was amiss.

Thinking back, there were a whole bunch of things that made it seem like Mom had done a 180.

My mother’s house was filthy.
She became paranoid.
She lost her filter/was saying things that were extremely uncharacteristic.
And on, and on.

Can you take a trip to see your Mom to get a lay of the land, and check on her in person?
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People change as they grow old. This applies to children as well as adults. There is nothing wrong with that, it's nature.
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