What do I do when mom lies to my siblings and then they scream at me?
My Mom tells lies to my half-sisters, then the one closest to me in age screams and yells at me about it.
A little background, Since I moved here over 3 years ago I have figured out that Mom likes drama. She loves the screaming and yelling it causes and all the phone calls back and forth in the aftermath of such events. I, on the other hand, hate the drama and all that it entails. I avoid it with her when she tries to start it by not playing into it, and walking away.
For example, I found out last night that K (half-sister) has been told that we (my boyfriend & myself) force my Mom to stay in her bedroom. For one I would not do that to my Mom. She can go anywhere in the house she likes, she chooses to stay in her room. As a matter of fact, we about have to force her to leave her room.
Another one she did was to call K and tell her we were moving, just to hear her yell and scream and call me names. After she did that one she called my boyfriend into the room and told him what she did and laughed about it.
K will not and has not listened when I have explained how Mom does these things.
I just wish Mom would realize that what she is doing and stop it. But, I suppose since she's been doing this since I can remember it will never change.
Say that you will handle it.
I'm sorry to hear what you have been going through. I know taking care of an elderly parent is very challenging. For your own well being maybe its time to consider assisted living or a nursing home. I don't know if family therapy is an option. I know sibling relationships are very challenging. Maybe try to get together with all the siblings and go over mom's situation. It sounds like things are escalating and for yourself and your boyfriend it might be time to consider other options of care.
My mom is also known to be a trouble maker in her family. There is something in her personality. I have always been the peacemaker. I took care of my dad till his passing, but I don't think I will do that for my mom. She has already said she would go willingly into a nursing home. For my own mental well being that might be the only option.
Thanks everyone for your comments
Guestshopadmin - I question the ALZ/dementia diagnosis. When she first went to the neurologist I asked about her having a terrible short term memory, (it had only been going on for a few months at the time.) I was told that it was due to the TIA's she had because the stroke affected the vision part of her brain. Mom was given exercises to do to help with memory that she totally refused to do. Then one day the occupational therapist came when she was playing cards on her tablet and told that was really good for her memory and everything else was done. That pretty much gave her permission to play on the tablet for hours on end.
I do realize that her brain is damaged, I have tried time and again to explain this to my half-sisters, one understands the other even if she does understand she likes the excuses to not visit Mom. It's much easier to pick a fight with me and make it seem my fault and say she won't ever come back down here and I am to blame for that. It's the same tactic she's used since we were children, pick a fight out of ear shot, then make sure you scream and yell so you can be heard then I'm the one that started it and I am in the wrong. The only difference that she just doesn't see is I am an adult and can remove myself from that BS.
I'm the logical one, and looking back over the last 35 to 40 years I have wondered if Mom is a narcissist. Some of what I've read about it fits to a T and some does not.
Well, I have finally come to a discussion about everything. I will take care of Mom as long as I am able to, and she still has enough sense about her right now that I just told her the lying about people and to people has to stop from all sides and if it does not I will remove the 3 of us from this stressful situation to another state. I'm am looking out for her and she does not need the stress of what my half-sister does.
JoAnn29 - Well here's the funny thing about having them read up on ALZ. This half-sister worked in an ALZ unit when I informed her of what the doctor said she knew and told me what would happen. So she knows, she just likes the drama just as much as Mom does.
As for the phone, we have tried several things. The problem is it's her phone and she pays for it. When the lines go down (we live in a rural area so it does happen) there is a major melt down because the phone is not working.
Sendhelp - I wasn't home when she called him in there to tell him the trouble she stirred up. And besides she has spells where her blood pressure drops and she passes out and he not the type to ignore her calling him in there because that could be the reason she needs him to come in her room.
My mother is a covert narcissist who used to talk about her kids behind their backs. The end result is my father hated one son almost from the time he was born, and didn't care for two other children. It also turned the children against each other. The only thing I can figure is she wanted to be the boys' only person, or maybe she didn't have motive to her negative talking. It really made no sense what she did. She also talked to neighbors about us, so we learned to never tell her anything. The neighbors thought us bad children. She tore my father away from his mother with her words, then blamed his mother for it. The mouth is a very destructive thing. Sad thing is that the final payoff for them is everyone avoids them as well as each other. It's a losing game.