WearyinPit Asked October 2016
Mom lost her battle with dementia. How do I find a new normal?
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So thank you to those who have supported me these last few months. Mom passed away on 10/13. We buried her this past Monday. The last weeks of her life were filled with suffering and agony for her, even with hospice caring for her. My heart is aching as I'm still trying to catch up with how this happened so fast and how and why we lost her so quickly. I had a feeling as soon as she was in a facility she would rapidly decline and so she did. I keep thinking I should call her because she is wondering why I haven't. What coping mechanisms have others found useful? Las always, thank for your support and insight.
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Ah, the "what ifs", we all go through them. My Mom [98] passed in December which was expected, and my Dad [95] a month ago which was sudden, and every now and then I would be questioning myself on how I should have done things differently. Mom was in long-term-care, and Dad was in senior living. But in the long run, the time table for transitioning would have been the same. So I have slowed down on the what ifs.
Trying to wind down from caregiving, be it hands-on and/or logistical [I was logistical] will take some time. I will miss my parents, and I found learning about their medical conditions and what to expect greatly helped me understand each step.
When my Dad passed, I put aside my cellphone [I am not a big cellphone user] as I needed to not hear it ring for awhile. I had seven years of going into panic any time the home phone and/or the cell would ring. And this has worked. I am ready to carry my cell again.
It will take months to forget that last week of seeing your parent in that condition. I rather remember my parents in better times. I was glad both had a very peaceful passing with Hospice.
I am now in talk therapy with a gal who is my age, and had also gone through caring for an elder... thus she really does understand :) My primary doctor has placed me on anti-depressants and something to take the edge off, and that is helping. I finally had to admit to myself I couldn't emotionally get better on my own.
Do you have a church or faith community? If so there is probably someone who could be of assistance. A pastor, someone who has gone through a similar experience and or a small group of some kind.
There are Grief Share (and similar) groups around the country. These are specifically to help people deal with the death of a loved one and find a new normal.
You might also enlist the services of a coach who could walk with you during this time and provide some objective feedback. A good coach does not tell you what to do but does help you clarify your goals, understand your reality, think through your options and make a choice.
[Note: I am a certified coach and ordained clergy. I work with a variety of clients. If I could be of service, please let me know. I do not mean this as an ad as much as helping people be aware that they have options.]
My Mom loved to do tole painting and it has become a hobby for me too. It does really help and helps me feel connected to her. She had many favorite recipes so we would like to compile them sometime. I guess you would say we are trying to feel close by being involved with things she loved. There are good articles on line that describe the grief stages and suggestions to help.
My heart goes out to you and I hope this has helped a bit.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Give it time WearyinPit and You will get strong again, and the sun will shine.
While all the posts here are brilliant I must compliment Ann1017 as Your post is just beautiful.
My major comfort was keeping him home. He was surrounded by family, and the home aide he came to love as family.
I cleared out all him possessions as quickly as I could. Even his bed is gone. I tried to remove anything which would upset Mom, and deal with the aftermath as fast as possible.
One thing which helped....my brother was finally able to come over to visit. (He actually came to get money from Mom...as I learned later). He talked nonstop for 5 straight days. Mom and I both enjoyed the silence when he left!
The Care Center she is in has Hospice and Chaplins that are always available for help and just for a talk however. My thoughts are with you - it is a very , very sad disease -not only for them but for the family also. But your mother is at peace now and free of her confusion and stress and anxiety. chaplins also that are very comforting and offer help. of the blue?e
My mom is also dealing with dementia and it is also going fast. Going
from someone that was extremely strong and controlling everything to
someone that doesn't even remember her husban an
Don't try and rush the process, do some physical activity, try to keep to a routine, and be kind to yourself. Delving on what ifs or should haves, etc can be exhausting.
As a retired hospice nurse, I know families feel shock when a loved one dies, even though the person was very ill, and death was expected. Give your self time to gain perspective.
Your grief and need for adjustment are normal - something that we all go through to some extent. As was suggested, hospice offers grief counseling for up to 13 months after the death of your loved one. I'd suggest that you take advantage of that.
I've found that I carry my loved ones with me now, in spirit, and often feel them with me, but that took time. I had to grieve first. I also found that the grief pattern varied and often when I felt that I was doing well I could still get hit with a wave of grief.
The coming holidays will be difficult. I lost my dad on December 2. My uncle died over the Christmas holidays. My mom not too long after Christmas (not all the same year). But their deaths colored the holidays and always will to some extent. You'll feel your mom's loss extra hard then, so you'll have to give yourself the gift of understanding.
During this whole process, don't expect too much of yourself. You may want to read this article when you feel better: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/after-caregiving-is-stress-the-new-normal-163252.htm
I'm grateful that you found help through this community. Please keep in touch. You aren't done with caregiving yet. You need to practice self-care now more than ever.
Carol
It is all normal.Then, you might enjoy a few days; then back to grieving again.
Slowly, try to do something YOU like..a cup of coffee with a friend; going to the library;take a class. You whole self is growing into a New Self. Be very,very patient with yourself. The death has planted a seed in you.
When our loved one dies,there is, in a way, a seed planted in you. Ever so slowly that seed must break open,germinate,and finally grow into a New You.
You:Body,mind and spirit have been on High Alert during the terrible time of the suffering and death. In a split second it seems the breathing stops. Your world is again turned upside down.The High Alert is over...That is a shock to your body and spirit and mind. Try to live in the moment. All the other answers I agree with one hundred percent. Great advice. Live in hope. All will be well.
I am so sorry for your loss. Many of us have given our all to help our parent and those helping our parent as best we can. As your mother traveled this, it became a journey, for both of us. Please do not rush your emotional loss.
Lossing someone close to us hurts physically and emotionally. We must allow ourselves to heal. I am sure you have heard there are five stages of grief. No matter who you maybe this is true. Taking the time to work through each plateau will provide you with some answers and make life better for you.
Many people express the five senses in what many call overload (sights, smells, hearing, taste and touch) during this time. There are times when walking in a store the smell of cologne or the song we hear playing will bring us to tears. We must allow our emotions to become open again for a productive life. Let these feelings happen and search through them to find the answer to this emotion is going on. It is very true so we must begin the work of clear our emotions while respecting this person. We will always remember them and all they brought to our life, just not so much the hurting and pain.
Family members all grieve in a different stage of loss. Try hard not to judge the thoughts or feelings others may express. Each of us must go through these steps. Journaling is great to use as we move ahead with our day to day lives. And journaling is a two-fold process. The first part of the process is to help us see all we have brought to this person and how this gift will help us and others as the need arises. The second part of this process is to provide a springboard for others as they work through our death.