Mom is so mean and negative to dad, She tells him she's so sick she can't get up, but when I call or go see her she acts all good and doesn't complain. Lately she has made several dr and dentist appointments, only to call and cancel saying she's too sick to go. She is wearing dad out. They are both 84. She wants him at her beck and call! He does all of the housework, laundry and cooking. It's really hard not to have bad feelings toward her. She is on depression meds. She sleeps 15-20 hrs a day. I see my dad slowly regressing from a very healthy 84 yr? I would like to help both of them live a happier life.
It sounds like your mom could use a medical check up and maybe some psychiatric help. I know it's difficult to get them to a psychiatrist at that age, but maybe her regular doctor can prescribe her something to help her feel better.
ALSO, have her evaluated for dementia. Her regular doctor can test for that in his office. You need to inform the doctor of what is going on, so they know what to look for. Dad may fail to report how she really is.
Often the early signs of dementia comes in the form of being difficult, nasty and irrational. You can't convince a person with that condition to reason. Their brain is making them that way. I would try to find out what is causing her to behave that way. At least with that, you can plan for their care if you know what to expect.
As for help coming in... you will need to be there during the first several times, to put your dad a little more at ease ( and make sure he doesn't 'fire" them, like my Father In Law kept doing) and then leave for short periods of time while the "helper" is there to help the transition. You have to do something though. The stats about the primary caregiver becoming ill or dying are sooooo alarming! best of luck
The long term use of antidepressants is another factor. As the body ages, it does not respond in the same way can become more toxic. There may be a hidden allergy to one of the ingredients. Sometimes the side effects produce the symptoms the drug is supposed to alleviate (e.g. Prozac may cause suicidal feelings in some patients). Is she enough water to flush out the drugs and other waste from her system?
Are you able to talk with your mom and non-judgmentally/assertively explain the effect of her behaviours on you and your dad? Sometimes our decision to act is externally motivated by a desire not to hurt someone we love.
Not easy!
But I agree that the first step is to revisit her meds. This is likely a chemical imbalance!
My mid 80's parents are doing well, but I speak to them regularly when I see their health deteriorating or their mental state going south and one or the other treating people with disrespect.
At some point, the adult child is forced to become a loving surrogate parent. We begin life in diapers and self-focused and often we end up that same way.
I have a stubborn single mother who is her own worst enemy. I have had many medical and economic issues and have decided to save myself. It sounds like your Dad needs to "save himself ". If Mom is too ornery or has dementia, he will go down with the ship.
I agree that she should have a complete medical and physiatric evaluation. The sleeping might be a sign of overmedication or dementia.
What ever the case may be, I would definitely have a social worker (neutral 3rd party) take a look in.
Sounds like a housekeeper is in order. I am not old or disabled, but I could use a housekeeper!
I hear the other responders. Sounds like Dad is getting very worn out. Parental quarreling is one thing. Him going down the drain with her is another.
Definitely sounds like a 3rd party would help sort it out. Trying to mediate your parents' interactions is a good start. If that fails, call a social worker in. It sounds like your Dad is becoming unnecessarily exhausted because of Mom's behavior.