Mom (91) lives with me and I have two caregivers. She will let the caregiver know where her money is in the house but not me. she lets the caregiver sign her debit card. but will not let me us her card for anything. My mother is very hurtful towards me and will not let me take her to the bank. she will not tell me when she is going to the bank. she lived with my sister before and the same thing happen. My mom hid the mail and did not turn in the medical expenses to the va department and had to pay back over $30,000 to veterens assistance program. She trusts strangers but not her family. It hurts me all the time. The one caregiver defends me and the other encourages her to buy stuff she doesnt need like a deep fryer. My mom is 91 and can not even cook for herself.
You need to learn more about dementia, as your mom's brain is broken. She's not acting rationally because she can't - her brain won't let her. Go to Youtube and watch Teepa Snow's videos on Alzheimers and dementia. And consider guardianship or taking advantage of your Powers of Attorney (either you or your sister).
Go to the blue bar at the top of this page... put your Mouse over "Elder Care", a drop down menu will appear.... click on "Alzheimer's and Dementia" and learn everything you can about the illness. This is an illness that doesn't get better, it doesn't stay the same, it only get's worse.... and there is nothing you can do to make it better except to understand the different stages, and prepare for each stage.
I did a search for detachment for you on this site which has a list of articles that would help you with this.
https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=detachment
Do you live in her house or does she lives in yours?
Keep in touch.
Your mom's dementia has really gotten bad. Your sister and you need to take over at this point as her POA. Have her doctor evaluate her level of mental incompetency and tell him in advance about all these things that she has been doing and thinks she's getting ready to.
Are these caregivers hired through an agency? If so, I doubt the agency wants them to do the things your mother has them doing and needs to be reported to the agency. How do you know that one or both of these caregivers are not stealing some of your mother's money?
What I'm basically saying is that it is time for you and your sister to use the authority that the POA gives you!
Does the POA document say anything about what needs to be done, like being evaluated by a doctor as incompetent, for the POA to be activated? You mother gave you and your sister POA so that you two could help her in situations like the very one she is in now. Don't expect her to just hand the check book over for her mind is sick. Your mother needs for you and your sister to take charge!
Let us know how things are going.
The mail is a problem. When it comes to government mail, it can be difficult to change addresses, but it may be worth a try to have your mail sent to a PO Box, where you can filter through it before giving it to your mother. What happened with the VA was pretty serious and shows your mother can't be trusted with finances. Sometimes we have to work around them by making sure we get to the mail first.