This was the day after her 90th birthday, when I asked on the phone, why I had not been invited by her grand daughter to the family celebrations, whereas other more distant relations had been. I am so upset. She told me that my partner of 18 years "did not know half of it" whereas I have told him of all my financial problems and he is not in the slightest concerned by this aspect of my past. He loves me for what I am, presumably. I have always supported her emotionally and stood up for her, but now I feel as if she has stabbed me numerous times and I had to hang up the phone. I can't stop feeling upset and no longer wish to visit her, as she behaves like a venomous snake.
Are you actually the caregiver? If this is the case, I would tread carefully, since false accusations are very often the hallmark of dementia. Make sure that there are others around to witness your interactions with her.
Try not to take this stuff personally. This is the disease talking.
If you had financial problems 25 years ago, are these problems on going? Why would she ostracize you due to these problems? Please tell me what is so horrible about having financial problems at some time in your life? Many people have. What is important is how you deal with the problems and not repeat the same behavior over and over.
Like you, I am so hurt and disgusted with my mom that I no longer visit her. I talk to her once a week. She continues to lie to me and about me. If she were a friend I would have long ago kicked her to the curb.
My mother does not have dementia. Let us know what is going on with your mother to make her so mean and cruel to you. We care.
But, so, anyway, I'm guessing it's not the party itself, is it, that's the problem. It's having this ancient history held against you, and dragged up whenever your mother feels like having a go? Excluding you from a major family celebration sounds extreme to me, I must say; but therefore perhaps a sign of a long-standing rift. Are you in touch with any other family members besides your mother?
Without knowing anything about the structure of your family, who's important to you, who you can cheerfully live without, what your day to day relationship with your mother is like and whether it's a plus or a minus in your life… it's really very hard to comment. Do you want to say a little more?
Is your mother living alone? If not, who is living with her? How is she getting on in terms of her health and quality of life?
Why is this still eating your mother up after so long? Why, do you think, does that particular memory push past all the others in her mind and surface just as everything else should be getting better? Celebrations should be celebrations, not prime opportunities to thrash out grievances.
I have a feeling you might be banging your head against a brick wall, here, trying to mend relationships without being able to root out the main issue. Do you ever talk it through with someone who knows your family and understands the dynamics and the history of it?
To justify her behavior, she has tried to paint me as a untrustworthy loser who would "blow through" all of her money. She actually said this to my brother. I have personally never had money problems nor borrowed from my parents, ever.
Like you I have been make an outcast. I hope you will tell us what is really behind her mother's bitter feelings and can't she forgive you? I know my mother never will stop her nastiness. That would be admitting wrong doing on her part.