It’s been 14 years now that I’ve been caring for my mom. I tried unsuccessfully to get my parents to plan for their future but they refused. When my dad died my mother thought she would just move in with me. Even though I had told her that wasn’t possible. She has badgered and relentlessly pursued this idea for all these years. She never gives up. I call her everyday and talk for at least an hour. I dedicate a whole day every week to her needs and desires. I still work and have a family of my own. I also have a somewhat serious health condition. She is 96 and she says if she lived with me she could help! It’s ridiculous! I am so very very very very tired of her trying to quilt me into taking her. But I feel like I’m holding back to raging river. I understand boundary setting but how long can I be expected to hold them without cracking?
So I would say you pull back now. You don't need to speak to your Mom an hour every day. And it is not helping her if you can see what I mean.
You need to sit Mom down NOW and gently explain that she will not EVER be moving in with you, that your limitations would preclude that and that you have no intention of discussing it. You should also tell her that when you call her you will be assessing whether that call is helping her or making her more unhappy, and if the latter is the case you will be telling her goodbye until the next day.
You mother can rage or cry or do whatever she likes. You will have explained to her that those actions will get her LESS of you, not more. Pavlov's training 101.
This is in your control. You are either her doormat or you are not. Get back to your own life.
Encourage your mother to seek placement where she will have people to talk to her who have more time than you do.
This is your choice. You, and only you can make things better for yourself.
I wish you the very best.
Very well put.
The river will keep raging.
As the rain is still falling somewhere, running down the mountain-sides, into streams & into that river.
The 'raging river' of your Mom's needs. Could call them *social & emotional needs*. Or just plain old age lonliness.
Getting old, not enjoying your activities, not able to do as much physically or mentally, well it can suck right? Maybe some folk are content to sit on the porch watching the world go by, or in the kitchen watching the birds outside.. But many are lonely & get fearful. What do they do? Lean on their most trusted person. Which is YOU. A little lean is ok! (What is family for?) But leaning so hard they crush you, smother you, take all your oxygen. Nope. Not ok.
So that's the circumstance: Mother is leaning just way too hard on you.
Q Do you think you have to provide 100% of Mother's needs? 100% of her social contact? 100% of her communication with others? 100% of her entertainment?
Think about that. Because maybe your beliefs are cracks in your boundaries?
PS the good news is your own thoughts are powerful & can be used for much strength.
Then you can tell her what her other options are to get her needs met. Assisted living. A caregiver at home. Etc.
I don't know how in the world you can talk to your mom for an hour every day. What do you talk about? Does she have any dementia? If not, maybe that's why I can't imagine cuz talking to my mom with mild/moderate dementia for 5 minutes on the phone can be difficult. If the conversations are nice and/or productive, that's great and I'm happy for you. If they are rehashing why she should move in, well, you know it's time to say bye bye and maybe tomorrow we can have a nice conversation about the weather or a nice assisted living facility.
I think spending one full day a week doing all her stuff is excessive. You have other priorities and need to get some other people on your team, with her money. Is she still in a house? If so, it is doubtful that she can manage it on her own and you are propping her up to a delusion that she is independent. She should have a cleaning lady - change her sheets, do the floors, etc. Maybe a home caregiver. I would really be thinking that assisted living where she can have her meals and socialize with peers and have some entertainment would be better for both of you.
Best of luck
Tell your mother bluntly that she canNOT move in with you, but suggest she can ask your 2 siblings. Let her bug THEM about moving in with THEM. Would she do that?
Let the "raging river" overlow onto someone ELSE's banks for once!
The truth is that by giving people a platform to discuss or argue, or by trying to explain our reasons, we are implying that it is open to discussion, that we can be talked into it. So while it feels wrong, it's actually more honest to shut the discussion down immediately.
If so maybe the best option for her would be Assisted Living. There would be someone that could help her when necessary. Maybe at that point your 1 day a week doing what you need to for her would be cut back.
Your boundaries are your health and your family.
If mom is fully cognizant then tell her that your doctor said that you can not take on the full responsibility of having her live with you all the time.
If she still does not get it and does not want to live by herself tell her that her other option is to move into Assisted Living. Say "Mom I have set up a few tours for you so you can check them out." Do some advance footwork and narrow her choices to 2, or 3 at the most.
How far from her do you live? Do the other Siblings visit? The answer is "Sorry, Mom, would not be best for me & my family, so we need to figure out & you need to accept the best plan."
Now what are the options there? Is there $ to move her?
Is their equity in her home? Can you sell it?
You have told your mom that you aren’t going to allow her to move in. Is it necessary to keep repeating the same message to her?
At her age, she is probably afraid to be alone. While I certainly understand this, it doesn’t change the circumstances.
She hasn’t made plans. Could you assist her by looking at facilities with her? What is her financial situation? Does she own a home that she can sell? What about Medicaid?
Does she have any other help besides you?
One day a week towards an ageing parents needs & a daily welfare phone call. Sure.
That seemed to be the acceptable level in my family too. The balance between Needs vs Burden.
(Though I'd personally wind the hour long phone calls back).
With more siblings IF they live close & IF they help it may be shared out a little more, but seems many become the solo caregiver these days for many reasons (including early death & disability of other siblings😪).
Looking after you Mom can also be *arranging* extra help to look after your Mom too. You don't have to do everything with your own two hands. Keep that in mind.
Eg If the physical house chores blow our past one day or just get to much - find a housekeeper. For bed linen washing/changing, vacuuming, mopping & bathroom etc.
To conti Nue on the *needs* way to look at things...
Mom may be ok living alone, some or most of the time BUT is she getting all her needs met? The constant pressure to move in, the long calls may indicate her *social & emotional* needs are not really being met. She is telling you loud & clear & very frequently she wants company. (OK just you - but's that's not reasonable or healthy).
I would point this out to her. Mom, you keep asking to live with me. Why? Why is that?
You get some doosy answers sometimes..
From a male friend who was under this constant pressure from his Mother to.move in (both born overseas). He asked his Mother & these were some of her replies over many years;
- because I am a widow
- because I am now 50 (yes really!)
- because I retired
- I don't have enough money to retire
- I want to be looked after
- I deserve respect
- it would shows how much you love me
- I am ashamed my son has not taken me to his house
Big historical cultural reasons were present. That Mother had long expected her son would move her in & her DIL would quit her job & treat her like a Queen. Her expectations were so far removed from her son/DIL expectations. It never was resolved as she would not accept the changes in generation, culture, money & women's careers. Sad. But it did good to discuss these issues with honesty.
Why not ask your Mom what she REALLY wants?
Once my Aunt lost independence to tend to her own garden & keep her own pets, she battled on alone for a while. Now in AL, she can enjoy the garden & the bird life (without the work & responsibility). These were the things that mattered to her.
Just telling someone that they need the comradery of her peers and support and security of a facility may conjure up imagined horrors. She must see sun-filled places and people like her with similar memories.
Go on a tour of a few nice ones with her. Some facilities are happy to have you join for a free lunch, or for a small fee. If you join for lunch try to get your mom engage in conversation with the residents. Be the soul of love and let her and the residents speak and you just be the spoon that gives the mix a little stir once in a while. Get her hair done before you go.
Manage the situation. Don't just be a cork in the stormy ocean.
Speak to a facility tour director prior to going with your mom and ask if there is a resident your mom's age that might be a nice ambassador and friend for a little while with your mom.
Some day-care, or live-in, facilities may allow you to drop her off for a day or some hours.
Maybe if you take small steps and have her join a senior day center for part of the morning and afternoons she may re-learn how to become comfortable with new people.
If she joins a day care senior center some counties' have contracts with small bus companies that provide home pick-up and return home service for a small charge. I drive my husband to a day care but a bus service brings him home.
How about churches? An elderly friend of mine is not a member of the church she has fun at, or is even a church attendee in general, but she joins their senior group on day trips even to nearby states. She's been doing that for years.
Each time your mom mentions moving-in you can cut the conversation gently and say you'll speak to her soon.
Please, I know you're busy and have your own family. I suspect that if she is 96 you're not at an age that can easily manage caring for someone.
I hear so many good stories about parents trying their best NOT to be burdens to their children. Not planning was selfish on your parents' part, and being from a different era probably made it worse.
The remedy for rage is positive contructive action. Spend less time on the dang phone and move your butt and do research.
This will do you as much good as it will her.
I've also been at this insanity for a decade and a half, not counting the time I helped our parents (an additional 4 years).
I once asked my support group - why APS doesn't have a division to protect caregivers who experience abuse (losing their minds from the merciless, seriously relentless, pounding on their brains, nerves and energy) by the care recipient.
I have a friend who is in a similar situation as I am and I jokingly said, "At least it's not forever" (one way or the other).
I recently read a little, supposedly funny, t-shirt that read… Your lack of planning is not my emergency. I see this a lot in real action. It's a big wave coming down on the children of super aging seniors.
Pharma wants to keep people going they should've provided some kind of fund to help us deal with the result. I know that sounds silly.
As for your mom, maybe your rage is in part because you can't help her as much as you'd like if only to shut her up. It might be helpful if you give her a list (posted on paper) of options, (make copies), use the ones you've already tried and say these are your choices. You're only choices. Then, as I mention before, every time she starts her broken record kindly say - Okay, this is where I leave and you look at your list of options. Love you, speak to you... (whenever).
I've got to run and give my husband his dinner and put him to bed so that I can join my support groups's guided meditation group online tonight. Until recently never did it before. It is very relaxing . A friend phoned me in what I thought was the first 15 minutes but I found that about 50 minutes had passed.
Very best wishes.
One day her 'stubbornness' will come back to bite her on the arse when she falls down at home, lies there for God knows how long before EMS arrives to tend to her, then the hospital or rehab WILL NOT release her to live alone. This is when you roll into action, getting her placed in managed care of some kind, MY HANDS ARE TIED MOTHER. Had you made the big-girl decision YOURSELF a while ago, we would not be in this predicament we're in now. Decisions carry consequences with them, and here's your consequence now b/c I'm STILL not able to have you come live with me.
As far as 'dealing' with her relentless insistence to come live with you, I'd tell her, mom, I've explained to you 1000x why THAT IS NOT EVER GOING TO HAPPEN, it's just not possible. Should you continue to bring up this subject, I will be forced to hang up the phone and bid you good day. I've had enough of beating this dead horse. And then, you stick to your guns and HANG UP or leave her presence when the subject comes up yet again. In short order, she will understand you're not kidding.
The way to cope with this sort of emotional abuse is to INCREASE your boundaries and forbid yourself to crack with ANY OF THEM. You can make her life a whole lot worse if you back off from 7 hours of phone calls a week and a whole day of ministering to her needs. Not as a 'threat' but as a way for her to appreciate what you DO do for her. And if it's not enough, feel free to move into Shady Acres Assisted Living.
Cut down your calls to 20 minutes max apiece. Let her know in no uncertain terms that ALL you can do for her is XYZ b/c sorry mom, I have a family of my own and a health condition to deal with to boot.
YOU make the rules and the terms by which this relationship carries on, not your mother. If need be, blame your doctor who's ordered you to have NO stress or to take on in home caregiving b/c that would worsen your condition.
Best of luck
- tell yourself - A LOT - that you’re making the best decisions you can for the best care within the parameters you’ve got. Because you are! Sometime you can only chose the least lousy option. Super thanks to this forum for this insight.
- remind yourself your mom will never be satisfied unless you are waiting on her hand and foot and living in her caretaker fantasy…which is literally impossible for one person to do.
- Set your boundaries of time, things you can and will do, etc…and here’s the trick - remind yourself you are your mother’s daughter, so of all the people on the planet, you can outstubborn her.
- Now you HOLD THE LINE. I thought of mine like a battle line…think Braveheart meme…” HOOOOLD THE LIIIIIIIINE”! Your mom will be relentless and try to push through your new lines. Every day. She will try to push through your boundaries over and over and over and over and over and it is utterly exhausting, but you are going to be even more stubborn than she is. HOOOOOOOOLD THE LIIIIIIINEEE!!
-Remind yourself repeatedly of the first three steps. It is utterly, totally exhausting to hold boundaries under this onslaught but you can do it! You are holding the line for the best outcome even though she can’t see it. HOLD THE LIIIIINE!
Giving you a huge hug and waving a battle flag because I know how soul grinding this kind of relentlessness can be. You can outstubborn this. It does get better over time , either because mom gets a clue that you can’t get shoved around, or because you just get used to absolutely not budging for ridiculous requests. Being stubborn like this comes from a place of care for one’s parent and care for oneself! It’s so hard but if I can do it, I know you can!
I have thought that too, why isn't there an APS, or something, for the Caregivers that cannot care for their parents. Its been proven that caregivers suffer health wise physically caring for someone. At 80, 90 and 100 our parents have definitely had their lives. Why should we as children be expected to care for them at the cost that we may die early. There should be an agency that stands up for us that can tell our LOs enoughs enough. You need to find care because you can no longer live safety in your home. No, we have to wait "until something happens" to do anything and then we r up against SWs that push for family to take care of LOs when family says no and made to feel guilty. My daughter has pointed out not just the Baby Boomers but her generation (45) are going to have problems. Women her age (mine too) are having their children in their mid 30s. I was 28 and almost 36. When I am 80 my girls will be 45 and 53. They can't afford to quit jobs to care for me. And I don't want them to. So people of my daughters age group needs a one stop shop. One place you can go to for services. When parents are stubborn. there is a mediator who tries to explain why they need to allow care that children should not be expected to do it all. And another thing, grandchildren. They should not be forced to care for a grandparent. There needs to be more help for Caregivers. They should not have to give up jobs and lives for another person. Instead of the US giving money away to other countries, they should be caring about their own. I know, right JoAnn.
I agree that there should be more support to help children get their parents placed. Doctor’s and social workers hint at it at appointments but it would be helpful if they were simply much more direct. If they would say at the time of DX “This disease is progressive and you will eventually need more care than your child will be able to provide. After you have have a little time to process your diagnosis, you and your child will start looking at facilities so you may choose where you want to live when your child can no longer care for you.” If they made it part of the process like every other medical test it be be helpful. And then ask at every appointment, “Have you found a place you would like to live when your child can no longer care for you.”
But instead most of us just white knuckle it until there is an event that triggers placement. And that is way more traumatic than planning ahead.
Apparently, his medicare benefits were headed towards termination during his stay the in the nursing facility. This was back in the early seventies, and he had taken ill in the late sixties. As I recall, no one quit their jobs to stay home withgranddad. His two adult granddaughters lived at home; so, they did took care of the maintenance of granddad helping out with the cooking, cleaning and housework until the parent's got home. His son's did the heavy lifting and bathing. They all worked as a team.
Nowadays, things have gotten so accelerated, complicated and expensive. Whatever you decide to do, don't give up your employment or home. It will set you back. I made that mistake after my first divorce, and ended up placing myself into the family caregiver role. I didn't get a chance to make critical lifetime decisions for myself, and family dictated my career moves and my ex dictated where I could move since I had custody of my daughter. I wasn't giving up custody since my ex was abusive and had threatened to throw my daughter out a window during one visitation. Don't let other people's needs and demands dictate your life's choices.
You're absolutely right. Things are different now. Your grandparents had several people being the caregivers. That's different than just one.
Your grandfather was relatively young (in his 60's) when he needed help and you don't mention dementia.
You're a caregiver so you see it. There's been a big change over the last 25 or 30 years where families have an elder with dementia at home who is basically a toddler who can't be left alone for a moment. Or they're a total invalid. This is so common today and it wasn't years ago. People did not get to that point and if they did they were put into care.
We certainly live in interesting times.
A paid live-in companion that lives with her in her home. This may not be an option if she doesn't have money. On the other hand, if she owns her home she can borrow on the equity and give herself enough money to pay a live-in companion. She can move to an assisted living facility. Or to an independent senior community.
Your parents did plan for their future. Their old age care plan was to move in with you.
DO NOT let this happen. Even if your mother is low-income she can still be accepted into an indepedent senior community. Many of these places base the rent on a person's income.
Her home can be sold and she can be moved into an AL.
There are options.
Your home is not an option.
When she starts up with the guilting when you're on the phone with her, end the call.
If she starts up when you see her, shut it down straight away. Even if the visit has to end.
Stop giving up one day a week to cater to her every need and desire. That needs to stop. A paid companion/aide can help with this. Catering to her in such a way will create an entitled senior brat.
Tell her in plain language that her know you love her and want to help her make a realistic plan so she does not have to live alone anymore, but that living with you is not an option. End of story. She's been badgering and guilting you for 14 years and you haven't caved so you're not going to.
If she can't let go of the badgering and guilting you about moving in, then you may have to go 'Grey Rock'. This means limiting your contact with her or ending it completely for a while. Believe me this is better than losing it with her and having the flood gates fly open.
There was no dementia. Granddad died at seventy two years old. All grandparents were in their right mindset. His family worked on rotation caring for him. He had three sons. One son lived in NJ, so he was always available and a phone call away.
My godmother had died a few months before granddad. She lived across the street from me. I think she had been out playing bridge the night before her demise. The next day, she had a massage heart attack and died before Christmas in 1971. Great-grandmother passed November 1971 before Thanksgiving.
Most of the elders I knew died in their seventies and they were all active doing things until they either got sick or passed suddenly.
People these days are living longer way past the point of workable brains and bodies.
I didn't experience my first dementia case working as a caregiver until the late eighties.
Part of boundaries is having consequences. It does not appear there are any consequences to Mum for bringing it up all the time.