It’s been 14 years now that I’ve been caring for my mom. I tried unsuccessfully to get my parents to plan for their future but they refused. When my dad died my mother thought she would just move in with me. Even though I had told her that wasn’t possible. She has badgered and relentlessly pursued this idea for all these years. She never gives up. I call her everyday and talk for at least an hour. I dedicate a whole day every week to her needs and desires. I still work and have a family of my own. I also have a somewhat serious health condition. She is 96 and she says if she lived with me she could help! It’s ridiculous! I am so very very very very tired of her trying to quilt me into taking her. But I feel like I’m holding back to raging river. I understand boundary setting but how long can I be expected to hold them without cracking?
It might help you to get an outsider's take on what is going on.
Come on. It's time to adult. Do what you can, and change the subject, since it's not feasible for you.
OP you have nothing to feel guilty about. Tell mom you reguse to have this conversation anymore and that if she continues you need to leave (if you are visiting her) or say goodbye and hang up the phone.
Since your mother is 96 years old, have you considered putting her in an AL facility? If your mother cannot afford to do self-pay or if she does not qualify for Medicaid for a facility, she can stay in her home and Medicare will pay for someone to come in and help her provided she has Medicare Advantage. I have Medicare Advantage and they will pay for part-time or intermittent skilled nursing and home health aide services provided at her home. The skilled nursing and home health aide services combined must total less than 8 hours a day and less than 35 hours a week. Through this program with Medicare Advantage, you can have someone come in every day for a few hours and Medicare Advantage will pay for this. Prior to receiving home health services, your mother’s doctor MUST certify that she needs home health services and will order home health services to be provided by a home health agency. Also, for your mother to qualify for this program she must be home bound, and at her age she is definitely home bound.
I wish you good luck in trying to resolve the problem of care for your mother and help you to find peace of mind knowing that she is being taken care of in her own home.
Don't think of it as holding back a raging river or emotional abuse (I think abuse is rather harsh description...but that's just me), instead think of it that she wants to be in closer proximity to someone she loves. At 96, there has to be a certain amount of loneliness in reflection of the family life we used to have, the husband that predeceased you, etc. As my mom used to say, some days go on forever when you haven't had much interaction with others. I think it would be hard for you to set the boundary on how she feels and, in turn, expresses to you.
I mean, to draw your line in the sand, what are you going to do - tell her if she brings it up again, you'll hang up on her??? (I know at some point, someone here will suggest that or similar). At her age, regardless how many times she asks, please don't go down a punishment road with her. You may (or may not) find out what real guilt is when she's gone.
Some folks have no relationship with their parent. I guess your mom may just want a little more that you can or are willing to give her...but you do have the relationship. Don't think of her asking as guilting you or any form of abuse...let that go. Chat with her, end the calls nicely, and take a breath or cuss it out privately after you hang up. Doubt she is going to change. Peace to you.
Mom, I don't have enough money to retire early. I can not retire till I am 67 and can take my social security. I am currently 58, which means I have to work at least till then to retire. I have told you this before.
Write a standard response out and when she asks read it to her. I have a feeling that you are going to be asked this question again and again.
Mine wanted me to give up working weekends.
To relax, hobby time? Nope. So I could be the work-horse for her laundry list.
Not. Happening.
* This likely is a life-long pattern of behavior / interactions. I would imagine you felt a need or desire to do 'for her' and as she wanted/told you to do as a way to be loved by a mother. Children want to be loved by their mothers so this wounding / trauma occurs.
* You are the only person who can change your life.
* You first need to realize that you DESERVE inner peace and a healthy life-style.
* It may start with realizing "Yes, I feel guilt and I am going to do what is in my best interest ANYWAY."
- Guilt / negative attachments (it is an emotional attachment) do not go away overnight. Learning self-forgiveness, other-forgiveness is a huge lesson.
I would personally recommend you get into counseling / therapy to find the you inside you, the person that deserves respect and healthy love.
Taking care of yourself is NOT exclusive to caring for your mother.
You need to learn how to navigate what is best for YOU and her. She won't like it and it will initially feel uncomfortable for you - however, if you want some peace in your life, you need to change from the inside out.
One tool that is helpful is to listen to that 'inner negative voice' telling you what you need to do ... (i.e., the guilt). Talk to that voice. Tell it, with compassion that you are now going to take care of 'myself' (yourself) and by doing that, I (you) will also be taking care of mother, in the most healthy way. Then tell that voice "I am not going to listen to you anymore. ... I deserve better."
That raging river is likely in you. Let it flow out. It can be done with compassion. It requires setting boundaries, knowing what you will and won't do - with conviction.
Gena / Touch Matter
Fourteen years is a heck of a stretch, moving in is just the end goal.
You life your decisions, don’t let someone else make them for you.
Part of boundaries is having consequences. It does not appear there are any consequences to Mum for bringing it up all the time.
A paid live-in companion that lives with her in her home. This may not be an option if she doesn't have money. On the other hand, if she owns her home she can borrow on the equity and give herself enough money to pay a live-in companion. She can move to an assisted living facility. Or to an independent senior community.
Your parents did plan for their future. Their old age care plan was to move in with you.
DO NOT let this happen. Even if your mother is low-income she can still be accepted into an indepedent senior community. Many of these places base the rent on a person's income.
Her home can be sold and she can be moved into an AL.
There are options.
Your home is not an option.
When she starts up with the guilting when you're on the phone with her, end the call.
If she starts up when you see her, shut it down straight away. Even if the visit has to end.
Stop giving up one day a week to cater to her every need and desire. That needs to stop. A paid companion/aide can help with this. Catering to her in such a way will create an entitled senior brat.
Tell her in plain language that her know you love her and want to help her make a realistic plan so she does not have to live alone anymore, but that living with you is not an option. End of story. She's been badgering and guilting you for 14 years and you haven't caved so you're not going to.
If she can't let go of the badgering and guilting you about moving in, then you may have to go 'Grey Rock'. This means limiting your contact with her or ending it completely for a while. Believe me this is better than losing it with her and having the flood gates fly open.
There was no dementia. Granddad died at seventy two years old. All grandparents were in their right mindset. His family worked on rotation caring for him. He had three sons. One son lived in NJ, so he was always available and a phone call away.
My godmother had died a few months before granddad. She lived across the street from me. I think she had been out playing bridge the night before her demise. The next day, she had a massage heart attack and died before Christmas in 1971. Great-grandmother passed November 1971 before Thanksgiving.
Most of the elders I knew died in their seventies and they were all active doing things until they either got sick or passed suddenly.
People these days are living longer way past the point of workable brains and bodies.
I didn't experience my first dementia case working as a caregiver until the late eighties.
Apparently, his medicare benefits were headed towards termination during his stay the in the nursing facility. This was back in the early seventies, and he had taken ill in the late sixties. As I recall, no one quit their jobs to stay home withgranddad. His two adult granddaughters lived at home; so, they did took care of the maintenance of granddad helping out with the cooking, cleaning and housework until the parent's got home. His son's did the heavy lifting and bathing. They all worked as a team.
Nowadays, things have gotten so accelerated, complicated and expensive. Whatever you decide to do, don't give up your employment or home. It will set you back. I made that mistake after my first divorce, and ended up placing myself into the family caregiver role. I didn't get a chance to make critical lifetime decisions for myself, and family dictated my career moves and my ex dictated where I could move since I had custody of my daughter. I wasn't giving up custody since my ex was abusive and had threatened to throw my daughter out a window during one visitation. Don't let other people's needs and demands dictate your life's choices.
You're absolutely right. Things are different now. Your grandparents had several people being the caregivers. That's different than just one.
Your grandfather was relatively young (in his 60's) when he needed help and you don't mention dementia.
You're a caregiver so you see it. There's been a big change over the last 25 or 30 years where families have an elder with dementia at home who is basically a toddler who can't be left alone for a moment. Or they're a total invalid. This is so common today and it wasn't years ago. People did not get to that point and if they did they were put into care.
We certainly live in interesting times.
I agree that there should be more support to help children get their parents placed. Doctor’s and social workers hint at it at appointments but it would be helpful if they were simply much more direct. If they would say at the time of DX “This disease is progressive and you will eventually need more care than your child will be able to provide. After you have have a little time to process your diagnosis, you and your child will start looking at facilities so you may choose where you want to live when your child can no longer care for you.” If they made it part of the process like every other medical test it be be helpful. And then ask at every appointment, “Have you found a place you would like to live when your child can no longer care for you.”
But instead most of us just white knuckle it until there is an event that triggers placement. And that is way more traumatic than planning ahead.
I have thought that too, why isn't there an APS, or something, for the Caregivers that cannot care for their parents. Its been proven that caregivers suffer health wise physically caring for someone. At 80, 90 and 100 our parents have definitely had their lives. Why should we as children be expected to care for them at the cost that we may die early. There should be an agency that stands up for us that can tell our LOs enoughs enough. You need to find care because you can no longer live safety in your home. No, we have to wait "until something happens" to do anything and then we r up against SWs that push for family to take care of LOs when family says no and made to feel guilty. My daughter has pointed out not just the Baby Boomers but her generation (45) are going to have problems. Women her age (mine too) are having their children in their mid 30s. I was 28 and almost 36. When I am 80 my girls will be 45 and 53. They can't afford to quit jobs to care for me. And I don't want them to. So people of my daughters age group needs a one stop shop. One place you can go to for services. When parents are stubborn. there is a mediator who tries to explain why they need to allow care that children should not be expected to do it all. And another thing, grandchildren. They should not be forced to care for a grandparent. There needs to be more help for Caregivers. They should not have to give up jobs and lives for another person. Instead of the US giving money away to other countries, they should be caring about their own. I know, right JoAnn.
- tell yourself - A LOT - that you’re making the best decisions you can for the best care within the parameters you’ve got. Because you are! Sometime you can only chose the least lousy option. Super thanks to this forum for this insight.
- remind yourself your mom will never be satisfied unless you are waiting on her hand and foot and living in her caretaker fantasy…which is literally impossible for one person to do.
- Set your boundaries of time, things you can and will do, etc…and here’s the trick - remind yourself you are your mother’s daughter, so of all the people on the planet, you can outstubborn her.
- Now you HOLD THE LINE. I thought of mine like a battle line…think Braveheart meme…” HOOOOLD THE LIIIIIIIINE”! Your mom will be relentless and try to push through your new lines. Every day. She will try to push through your boundaries over and over and over and over and over and it is utterly exhausting, but you are going to be even more stubborn than she is. HOOOOOOOOLD THE LIIIIIIINEEE!!
-Remind yourself repeatedly of the first three steps. It is utterly, totally exhausting to hold boundaries under this onslaught but you can do it! You are holding the line for the best outcome even though she can’t see it. HOLD THE LIIIIINE!
Giving you a huge hug and waving a battle flag because I know how soul grinding this kind of relentlessness can be. You can outstubborn this. It does get better over time , either because mom gets a clue that you can’t get shoved around, or because you just get used to absolutely not budging for ridiculous requests. Being stubborn like this comes from a place of care for one’s parent and care for oneself! It’s so hard but if I can do it, I know you can!
One day her 'stubbornness' will come back to bite her on the arse when she falls down at home, lies there for God knows how long before EMS arrives to tend to her, then the hospital or rehab WILL NOT release her to live alone. This is when you roll into action, getting her placed in managed care of some kind, MY HANDS ARE TIED MOTHER. Had you made the big-girl decision YOURSELF a while ago, we would not be in this predicament we're in now. Decisions carry consequences with them, and here's your consequence now b/c I'm STILL not able to have you come live with me.
As far as 'dealing' with her relentless insistence to come live with you, I'd tell her, mom, I've explained to you 1000x why THAT IS NOT EVER GOING TO HAPPEN, it's just not possible. Should you continue to bring up this subject, I will be forced to hang up the phone and bid you good day. I've had enough of beating this dead horse. And then, you stick to your guns and HANG UP or leave her presence when the subject comes up yet again. In short order, she will understand you're not kidding.
The way to cope with this sort of emotional abuse is to INCREASE your boundaries and forbid yourself to crack with ANY OF THEM. You can make her life a whole lot worse if you back off from 7 hours of phone calls a week and a whole day of ministering to her needs. Not as a 'threat' but as a way for her to appreciate what you DO do for her. And if it's not enough, feel free to move into Shady Acres Assisted Living.
Cut down your calls to 20 minutes max apiece. Let her know in no uncertain terms that ALL you can do for her is XYZ b/c sorry mom, I have a family of my own and a health condition to deal with to boot.
YOU make the rules and the terms by which this relationship carries on, not your mother. If need be, blame your doctor who's ordered you to have NO stress or to take on in home caregiving b/c that would worsen your condition.
Best of luck