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Hospice will be a great help once they are there. They have dealt with all this before. Wonderful answer below for you that you know did nail it, so call hospice now. They know how to handle every patient's approach. They will be an enormous support to you, and yes, it is as simple as saying that she may not need the support but that YOU DO. Good luck and keep us all informed how it is going for you. There are many in your corner hoping this goes as well as it can go.
MeMax, I think you all need to put your foot down and make it very clear that you wish to honor her desire to pass at home, but she needs to allow hospice and aides to come help or you will not be able to do this. Period, end of discussion. Mom, we either have hospice and aides or you have to go to a facility. There are no second choices.
Hospice isn't there all that much, even if you have a service everyday from them it is usually less then an hour for the visit.
She needs to be made to understand that you guys need the professional help as much as she does. It is completely irrational to expect untrained people to deal with end of life, especially when they have an illness that is scary to deal with. As much as they think it's all about them, it's not really.
Get all of her caregivers on the same page and present a united front that this needs to happen to honor her wish of dying at home.
Memax7 24 min ago Thank you. Shes back home from hospital. Needs help, but doing well. She doesn't want "strangers" in her home. So what do we do about care for a few hours and wkends?
I think that you need to get aides in who will go along with the ruse that they are "friends". It's called a therapeutic fib.
You got it sweetheart. Can you get her to accept hospice? Maybe a consult with them will help her understand that she is in complete control and her wishes will be fulfilled.
Great big hugs! Remember to take care of you during this time.
If you are a strong person then fill her wishes. My Mom had COPD and wanted to die at home. We carried out her wishes. I have 2 brothers and her decision wasn't easy on us. We were scared, didn't know what to expect, It is frightening for them not to be able to breath. Most likely your mom is petrified. Her Dr. should prescribe morphine to ease the anxiety (that is if she's close to passing). The morphine will help her relax. Also she will give up eating and that's where you have hospice come into your home. They will supply a hospital bed, send someone to bath her, and check on her overall health. In NYS hospice can not be called in until she is near death (6 weeks I think) then all medication is stopped and they come in to take care of her basic needs. They are truly wonderful. Talk to her Dr. and they will put you in touch with hospice. (((hugs))) I know how terrible this stage is for the family.
Well you shouldn't let her suffer at home. You should get her on hospice immediately. They will help her be as comfortable as possible while she remains at home as she wants. Does she have oxygen? I will also mention that morphine will help with "air hunger". Please have the doctor get hospice for her!
By all means, you must let your mother die at home. I agree that this is the last final important wish of many elders (like me). Please make sure she is at home and not in a facility - you'll never forgive yourself if you allow that. However, work with the medical people and get her whatever "machinery" or other equipment that she needs that could be used at home. As to forcing someone to go to the ER, I think if someone is very ill and obviously dying, then those wishes must be respected. It is her life and her choice. But try to find help for her at home. It can be done.
You can only be placed with Hospice if your physician refers you. You mother will absolutely qualify for their care. Hospice is paid for by Medicare, Medicaid and all medical insurance plans. Hospice will provide your mother with everything she needs to die with dignity and without discomfort in her own home. The nurse and doctor will see her in her home and all medications and treatment will be provided in addition to compassionate care.
I am so sorry that you are facing this difficult trial. There is nothing we face in life as difficult to deal with as the death if our dear loved ones. And the dilemma of how do give them their dignity, being able to grant them their last wishes and keep them from suffering is no easy task. When my father was dying from lung disease he wanted to die at home, even tho the Doctor had told him the last days were going to be very painful. But my dad was insistent so his Dorctor helped us get him on hospice. And like everyone here has mentioned, they were wonderful. They kept him as comfortable as possible and increased the medication slowly as was needed for the pain. My father was pretty much coherent until the last few days. They gave us wonderful counseling along the way as well.
The thing I am so thankful I prepared for was how this ordeal would effect me mentally and physically. Of coarse there is no way to be completely prepared as you never know what each moment will bring. We all also react differently to grief. But prayer was a life saver for me. Never underestimate the power of prayer and how much God can comfort you when nothing else can. (2 Cornithians 1:3, 4) Also reading the accounts of the resurrections in the Bible can be very helpful. My favorite one was at Mark 5:38-42.
I hope this has been helpful to you. Please know that you are not alone as you go thru this and we all want to be there for you to help, even if only by words of comfort. My prayers are with you and your family.
Emphysema is the Word, My own at Home Dad is Dying from it. My sister is POA for him and he is Okay to Stay as long as he feels he can Handle it. Your Own at Home? DNR is a Form they will Make her Sign anyways and if she want to Die at Home...Let her Go.
things are better than yesterday. So sorry I haven’t answered anyone. But I will!! To each and everyone of you that show so much compassion. I am truly in shock of all the stories, great advice... and such caring comments! I love the support!! Thank you all💕
You need hospice at once. They will keep your Mom medicated at home below the level of suffering. A death from COPD is suffering indeed if the patient is not medicated below the level that it can be felt; imagine a slow suffocation. Please ask for hospice at once, whether at home or in hospice care itself as an inpatient. I am so sorry for what you are all having to endure.
My mom passed away at home in 1997 on hospice care. She had COPD and did not want to go to the hospital either. She died at home very comfortably with family and friends gathered. The hospice workers were great.
Hi Memax7, Going through something similar... although my mom doesn't have COPD-she has neurogenic pulmonary edema. Shes not yet at a critical point, but not wanting to wait until she is, I agreed to meet with hospice case worker this coming week. I was very hesitant because I still feel she can pull through this. Then had a really bad night that made me immediately research hospice in my area! Hospice is what you need to do for your mom. Hospice is fully covered by Medicare and can be administered in her home. They will insure she is comfortable, they will routinely check on her, provide any equipment you may require, and they offer both your mom AND her loved ones comfort and peace of mind that her final wishes are respected. I highly suggest; as the others have, that you research & interview hospice providers (you don't have to use one given to you by her physician if you find one you prefer BUT you need an order), call her PCP for the order and get your mom started immediately. Remember... once she is receiving hospice; in an emergency, you MUST call the hospice nurse NOT 911. Otherwise, her plan may not be followed AND her hospice status may be revoked by Medicare. Hospice often is seen as discontinuing care and bringing the end quicker....not true. Many times life can be extended awhile because the patient is more comfortable and receiving proper treatment quicker than awaiting appointments.
COPD is a terrible death not being able to breath...You need hospice to administer the morphine.. That is the only way believe me.. I have had four family members die of COPD. Lots of Prayers for the good Lord to take them home.
Especially if she is at the end - let her remain at home.
I can't tell you how many people told me to put my DH into a Nursing Home, but I knew he didn't want to go to a NH and I promised him that unless it was absolutely necessary, he would never go back to the hospital again either.
I allowed him to remain at home until he passed on - and I got to witness him reliving his life as a car salesman when he talked in his sleep. I was there when his deceased first wife came for him and the next day his deceased older brother came. The day before he passed, they must have come in droves for the way he stared up and the ceiling, looking everywhere. He had lost his faith years earlier but the joy, the rapture on his face that last morning before he slipped into the coma, I knew he was seeing everyone he had lost over the 96+ years.
Don't take that away from her or yourself. But do call Hospice/HomeHealthCare because they can make her more comfortable at home with help for breathing.
I have lost my mom and oldest brother due to COPD. They both died at home. These were their wishes. Very tough on the caregiver. We didn’t have hospice for my mom but we did for my brother. I can’t say enough about hospice. If u decide to have her pass at home have hospice come in. Not only did my brother benefit but my sister in law did so too. They helped her by taking on the care of my brother. In our situation both brother and mom passed while sleeping. They both stopped eating and organs shut down. Morphine was administered by the caregiver via syringe under the tongue (no needle). This was done to calm their breathing and pain (if any). Hope this helps.
Hospice is free but they have to do an evaluation ,in Michigan they furnish everything , ie bed,walker, potty, bedside table and all meds required for comfort , they furnish a nurse ,aid, chaplin, and social worker all at no cost ,
This is so sad & I’m really sorry you & your mom are going through this. You’ve gotten quite a few replies. Mine is that you leave her home & call in Hospice; like several others suggested. No, it’s not pleasant for you but, this is about her.
When the docs said my husband only had about a week left to live they said he could stay in hospital & die there. But I couldn’t stand the thought of that & he left it to me. So, I had him brought home. I wanted his last days to be in our home, in our bed & with me & our pets around him.
So, it’s up to you but, I’m suggest giving Hospice a try & see how it goes at home.
Contact Hospice. They will make sure she is comfortable without having to go to the hospital. There is no need for her to suffer Please call a Hospice today You and she will have help and comfort and support probably within hours.
If she doesn't have a living will or OLST you can't just keep her at home to die slowly. Your choices are to bring in hospice care at home, which we did for my dad, or take her to the hospital and ask for cessation of life care. Depending on the legalities of where you are and her previously written instructions, a hosptial can make her comfortable, provide relief from pain and anxiety while medical treatment to sustain life is discontinued. At home you must continue whatever medical treatment she needs with (or without) hospice support. Not all deaths are easy, fast or pleasant so consider your family's ability to cope when making this decision.
I personally have left (with someone I trust) very explicit instructions that I will not be coerced into any medical treatment I do not want. I do not want to die in an ER or in a hospital. I have traumatic memories of hospital "treatment" that was harmful to me, so if I were taken to a hospital I would be subject to re-traumatization. I do not want to die in a terrified state. I do not want to die while reliving those memories.
A good hospice will go by the patient's wishes. Some do not, so be aware of this. I have done volunteer work for a hospice organization and I ended up making friends with the volunteer coordinator. She tells me she is amazed at how ethical her organization is. She tells me that some of her patients have used hospice as a way of making sure that Western medicine is not imposed on them. I personally knew a family that did this. Surprise surprise...the patient got better! The reason is that as soon as you get on Hospice, you aren't covered by insurance for anything except palliative care. This means there is shift, and a focus on relief of suffering. And yes, a good hospice won't force a person to go to a hospital. They will come to your home.
The problem is in the end the body can no longer produce enough oxygen to be absorbed by the body and Carbon monoxide takes over because the lungs can no longer dispel it.
If you have no DNR in place, google DNR for your state. Fill out and have Mom and PCP sign it. Put it on the frig so its available for EMTs if ever needed.
People get tired. I can't imagine what its like not be able to breath right. It must be exhausting and a strain on the body. Seems like Mom is ready. Hospice will keep her comfortable. Like said though, Morphine is usually thought of for pain but it also makes it more comfortable to breathe. Downside, the person usually is out most of the time.
I just lost a fellow classmate. He had diabetes, lost a leg and was on dialysis. He couldn't do it anymore. He went off on dialysis and chose to leave this world on his own terms.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Hospice isn't there all that much, even if you have a service everyday from them it is usually less then an hour for the visit.
She needs to be made to understand that you guys need the professional help as much as she does. It is completely irrational to expect untrained people to deal with end of life, especially when they have an illness that is scary to deal with. As much as they think it's all about them, it's not really.
Get all of her caregivers on the same page and present a united front that this needs to happen to honor her wish of dying at home.
Report
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Memax7
24 min ago
Thank you. Shes back home from hospital. Needs help, but doing well.
She doesn't want "strangers" in her home. So what do we do about care for a few hours and wkends?
I think that you need to get aides in who will go along with the ruse that they are "friends". It's called a therapeutic fib.
Is she on Hospice?
((((hugs)))))
Great big hugs! Remember to take care of you during this time.
Many thoughts of comfort are with you this day.
i will keep you posted.
The thing I am so thankful I prepared for was how this ordeal would effect me mentally and physically. Of coarse there is no way to be completely prepared as you never know what each moment will bring. We all also react differently to grief. But prayer was a life saver for me. Never underestimate the power of prayer and how much God can comfort you when nothing else can. (2 Cornithians 1:3, 4) Also reading the accounts of the resurrections in the Bible can be very helpful. My favorite one was at Mark 5:38-42.
I hope this has been helpful to you. Please know that you are not alone as you go thru this and we all want to be there for you to help, even if only by words of comfort. My prayers are with you and your family.
Going through something similar... although my mom doesn't have COPD-she has neurogenic pulmonary edema.
Shes not yet at a critical point, but not wanting to wait until she is, I agreed to meet with hospice case worker this coming week.
I was very hesitant because I still feel she can pull through this.
Then had a really bad night that made me immediately research hospice in my area!
Hospice is what you need to do for your mom. Hospice is fully covered by Medicare and can be administered in her home.
They will insure she is comfortable, they will routinely check on her, provide any equipment you may require, and they offer both your mom AND her loved ones comfort and
peace of mind that her final wishes are respected.
I highly suggest; as the others have, that you research & interview hospice providers (you don't have to use one given to you by her physician if you find one you prefer BUT you need an order), call her PCP for the order and get your mom started immediately.
Remember... once she is receiving hospice; in an emergency, you MUST call the hospice nurse NOT 911. Otherwise, her plan may not be followed AND her hospice status may be revoked by Medicare.
Hospice often is seen as discontinuing care and bringing the end quicker....not true. Many times life can be extended awhile because the patient is more comfortable and receiving proper treatment quicker than awaiting appointments.
I can't tell you how many people told me to put my DH into a Nursing Home, but I knew he didn't want to go to a NH and I promised him that unless it was absolutely necessary, he would never go back to the hospital again either.
I allowed him to remain at home until he passed on - and I got to witness him reliving his life as a car salesman when he talked in his sleep. I was there when his deceased first wife came for him and the next day his deceased older brother came. The day before he passed, they must have come in droves for the way he stared up and the ceiling, looking everywhere. He had lost his faith years earlier but the joy, the rapture on his face that last morning before he slipped into the coma, I knew he was seeing everyone he had lost over the 96+ years.
Don't take that away from her or yourself. But do call Hospice/HomeHealthCare because they can make her more comfortable at home with help for breathing.
, they furnish a nurse ,aid, chaplin, and social worker all at no cost ,
This is so sad & I’m really sorry you & your mom are going through this. You’ve gotten quite a few replies. Mine is that you leave her home & call in Hospice; like several others suggested. No, it’s not pleasant for you but, this is about her.
When the docs said my husband only had about a week left to live they said he could stay in hospital & die there. But I couldn’t stand the thought of that & he left it to me. So, I had him brought home. I wanted his last days to be in our home, in our bed & with me & our pets around him.
So, it’s up to you but, I’m suggest giving Hospice a try & see how it goes at home.
Best wishes.
There is no need for her to suffer
Please call a Hospice today You and she will have help and comfort and support probably within hours.
A good hospice will go by the patient's wishes. Some do not, so be aware of this. I have done volunteer work for a hospice organization and I ended up making friends with the volunteer coordinator. She tells me she is amazed at how ethical her organization is. She tells me that some of her patients have used hospice as a way of making sure that Western medicine is not imposed on them. I personally knew a family that did this. Surprise surprise...the patient got better! The reason is that as soon as you get on Hospice, you aren't covered by insurance for anything except palliative care. This means there is shift, and a focus on relief of suffering. And yes, a good hospice won't force a person to go to a hospital. They will come to your home.
If you have no DNR in place, google DNR for your state. Fill out and have Mom and PCP sign it. Put it on the frig so its available for EMTs if ever needed.
People get tired. I can't imagine what its like not be able to breath right. It must be exhausting and a strain on the body. Seems like Mom is ready. Hospice will keep her comfortable. Like said though, Morphine is usually thought of for pain but it also makes it more comfortable to breathe. Downside, the person usually is out most of the time.
I just lost a fellow classmate. He had diabetes, lost a leg and was on dialysis. He couldn't do it anymore. He went off on dialysis and chose to leave this world on his own terms.