Well mom has taken a complete backslide at the SNF. They want to send her for some tests (they do them at the hospital not there) but because that didn’t happen right away she became outraged.
At them? No. At me.
She rang me eight times yesterday to tell me she was going crazy, that she was checking out tomorrow, they’re not doing enough for her and she’s getting worse. I said I would call the nursing staff to find out what’s going on and what I can do to find out about these tests and what not that they want her to have.
”No, don’t do that. No absolutely do not call them.” I asked her how in the h-ll am I supposed to find out for you? How are we going to know? “No don’t call, don’t ask them.” Then she said if things weren’t going her way by morning she was checking out AMA. I said fine, but I have a major thing at work, the caregiver will have to get you.
This place has been nothing but nice- the staff anyway, and no she is not their biggest emergency case, but to call me and rage on me then NOT want me to see about what’s going on has put me in a state. I absolutely cannot get out of bed.
Why doesn’t she want me to call? Why is she making it like this? Our relationship is done at this point. The cruel things she’s said have done it.
Stop letting her drive the bus.
Mad, you are the only adult in the room. Call the SW and find out what going on and TELL them that she's planning to leave.
She doesn't want you to call, because then you will have an *reasonable* answer for her. She would rather be furious. Brings to mind the old saying "my mind is made up, don't confuse me with the facts".
So I agree: call the nursing staff, say "she doesn't like to bother the staff but she's expecting these tests to happen and she's going bananas because she doesn't know when. Could you help her with this, please?"
PS, by the way, and very important - if the staff reply "oh, we don't know when she'll be going because we're waiting for xyz to call us back - " cut them short and say "thank you, but don't tell me about it, explain it to her, please."
I actually feel for her, you know. So much stress is caused by people being kept hanging about waiting without knowing how long for or what the delay is. It's incredibly annoying and usually avoidable.
In today's news, she's just called me and has decided to check out AMA. Just like she did last year.
So, good luck to us all.
When someone comes and tells me that XYZ tests need to be done and then I have to sit and wait, then sit and wait a bit longer I get frustrated and yes a bit ticked off. So I understand her side of this fiasco.
What the facility probably should do is NOT tell a resident until they actually have a time set that they will be leaving.
I can understand your mom calling you and venting to you. (you are a safe person to vent to)
BUT I would have called the facility and askes what the delay was and that they need to go tell "Mrs. Maddaughter50 what the delay is and to keep her informed.
Then you let the rest of the calls from your mom go to voicemail, if the facility needed to contact you they could have.
I do hope all the testing went well
I will be the financial, legal, property representative, but you hand a bedpan to me, I will hand it back. She fell tonight on the way to bed, is more or less totally bedridden (i did not know this before taking her home) and now need to rent one of those lifts so she can be transferred to her wheelchair. "But everyone at the place was so nice." And they really were. I met some of the sweetest young people this evening who all said they were going to miss her. But oh no, I need to go home. "They don't pay enough attention to me." Her exact words. Anybody want to wager on when the next 911 call happens?
First thing she did? Fall.
I'll be hiring 24 hour care since AL is "off the table" right now. If she drains her bank account, that's her deal.
I am so traumatized right now I don't know what to do.
STOP , the train wreck, and get her back into the residence.
if that’s not available to you , call your county office of aged and disabilities.. maybe they can give you some guidance.
sorry that you have to go thru this.. hugs…
You seem to continuously react to her as if she's her prior self. If she has dementia you'll need a much different strategy. The first thing is to get a diagnosis, if she doesn't have one. I'm so sorry for the distress you're going through.
She is stubborn, scared, fearful, but expects me or others to meet her needs. She needs to bathe, she needs to eat, all of that, but feels like meals and bed baths can be performed by those around her. I want to be sympathetic, I want to be more understanding, and I have to remember that what I would do in this situation is not what she would do in this situation, and if I'm going to continually expect that, I will continue to be disappointed time and again.
You are her scapegoat, her servant, being used at will.
You are the only one who has the power to stop this unhealthy codependent attachment.
She is home, let her make all her arrangements for help, she will catch on real fast that it is not working, IF you stop jumping in to rescue her.
Set your boundaries, but most important, stick to them.
Sending hugs your way!
Seriously, grow up. You're an adult. I've been in senior care for a long time, I'm also the sole caregiver to my mother who is a 'senior brat'. I know all the games elders like to play with their families and caregivers and all the dramas too. I also know how to avoid playing the games and being pulled into their drama. I'm going to let you know because I feel sorry for the position your mother has put you in.
Her care in the nursing home was fine. This is why she didn't want you to say anything to them because she didn't want to make anyone in the NH feel bad or think that she was just another old, ornery, pain-in-the-a$$. She only wanted you to feel guilty and bad even though all of it was beyond your control. You don't have play along. Don't take all of her calls. When she says 'jump' don't ask 'how high?'. If she accuses you of being rude or uncaring or tries to take you on a guilt-trip, tell her that none of her problems are your fault and that you refuse to be treated this way. Then walk away and ignore her. Ignore her for days, weeks, or months if that how long it will take for her to understand that you are willing to help her and make sure she's well cared for, but you are not willing to play her games. Check on her through a third party if you have to and avoid any contact with her.
You did right hiring 24-hour care that she will be paying for. Make sure she understands that when her money runs out she goes to an AL or a NH. Many times in cases like yours the elder expects that at some point they will be living with their adult children or other family. Make yourself understood that this is never going to happen and if she refuses to discuss a long term plan with you for after her money runs out with homecare, let her know the state will take over and place her unless there are other care arrangements. She should be assessed for dementia too. If turns out she is cognitively impaired you can petition the court for conservatorship. Making decisions for her will be easier because she doesn't get any say at this point.
If you start behaving like this towards your mother, she will knock off the senior brat and drama behavior with you. Believe me, a little tough love goes a long way.
Good luck.
As much as I hate to have her find out the hard way, the best I can do is get someone hired to look after her to keep her moderately safe. I’m angry though that she was not worked harder in the SNF for physical therapy but, I also think she used her “not today” tactics on them.
this is going to end badly, we can all see this coming. I will have her analyzed for dementia. She is making decisions. Bad ones.
But I’ve got a grip on myself, trust me.
I trust that you did not pick her up.
Nothing is ever fast enough for this woman. I know she is scared but she wants everything now now now.
When Barb asked about picking her up, I think she meant pick her up from the facility, not pick her up off the floor!
Mind you I would also like to know how she came to fall.
Caregiver wheeled her into her room, braced the wheelchair. Mom says, "I can't stand you have to help me."
I get on one side, CG on the other, 1-2-3 lift, mom's legs completely buckle and she has no strength to straighten them or push. I can't hold dead weight and neither can the CG so we let her down onto the floor until additional help came. Mom still can't use her legs so we all had to hoist her up one on legs, one under arms and flop her into bed. The whole time she is screaming.
I did not know that she is unable to stand or lift herself. She did not tell me this. No one told me this.
I'm working on 24/7 care right now. I hurt my back doing this and I'm not equipped as an SNF but you know good and well she's going to tell me I'm doing a fine job. Not this time.
What helped my mom was being seen by a very kind and compassionate geriatric psychiatrist every couple of weeks who prescribed REGULAR very low doses of a benzo (not PRN), explaining to my mom that taking this med on a regular basis would actually prevent addiction. It seems that if you wait until you are having panic/anxiety to take a benzo, you need MORE of it to control the response. Taking it on a regular basis kept those feelings at bay quite effectively.
It also helped for mom to have someone to talk to about her anxieties. One example that always makes me laugh is, mom was very anxious about the fact that she needed to get up in the middle of the night to pee (at 89!).
The doctor asked her to describe in detail what she did when she got up. Mom ran through the whole shebang, ending with "and then I have a drink of water".
Apparently mom and the doc burst into simultaneous laughter; the solution was NOT to drink more water in the middle of the night.
May all of your mother's problems be so easily solved!
Find her a geriatric psychiatrist, would be my best advice. Don't ask her, just take her.
She didn't have her keys with her? The caregiver doesn't have a key? A neighbor doesn't have a key?
Stop propping up her delusion that she's independent. Start saying "no, Mom, I can't possibly do that."
YOU are her plan. To quote my friend Beatty "there will be no plan as long as YOU are the plan".
This worked when she was planning to have surgery and you refused to make yourself available, yes?
Tell her NO, I won't do that.
I sure you have your act together. When someone claims a parent's antics has made them bedbound and unable to get up, it would make one wonder.
Stop playing your mother's games. She was bedbound and unable to get up. Yet checks herself out of the SNF. You help her caregiver get her back home into the house, and you hurt yourself doing it.
This is playing her game. By continuing to "play" and humor her the way you do, it's enables her bad behavior. She will continue to treat you like a doormat. She will show zero respect for you. She will also expect that her every want and demand be met immediately because she behaves like an impatient, spoiled, senior brat. It's worked so far.
I'd like to ask a question about her home caregiver. Did she talk to you about bringing your mother out of the SNF? Or was this plan made between her and your mother without telling you? If it was she needs to be fired at once because she isn't trustworthy.
I've been an in-home caregiver for a long time. We aren't supposed to make any big moves without first consulting an elderly client's family member. Things like taking them to the bank to withdraw money. Or helping them get out of a SNF.
You've sure got a lot going on. I'd make sure this caregiver your mother has is on the up and up though.
Your mother is right now a "2 person assist". Depending on State regs, that may mean she can't live in an AL.
In your shoes, I might call the SW at the SNF to tell them what happened and that despite what mom has told them, you aren't assisting her any longer.
If they'd had that information yesterday, they would have been mandated to call Adult Protective Services to report her as a vulnerable adult.
There is something terribly wrong with your mom's thinking processes if she thought she could go home bedbound without 24/7 care.
I would make it clear to Mom that if she is faking this problem then she better stop crying wolf because she will end up going past the point of no return. When that happens, she WILL need to be placed in a Nursing Home. If you have no POA, the state will take over her care and money. I am not beyond a little threatening.
My MIL had a bad UTI, went to the hospital and then to Rehab. Her boys felt she needed someone there from 9 to 5. I saw this woman manipulate her sons. She would do no Rehab. Acted like she was on deaths door. Roommate said she sat up and had breakfast and talked to her. When the boys were there, she couldn't pick up a spoon. I am sure in her mind she thought by acting like this the boys would take her home. Of course it was the opposite. And when she found out she was being transported to a neighboring State, where one son lived, for further Rehab, she literally gave up and passed. I believe she would have lived if she had gone with the program.
I have POA, I have everything locked down tight, I fully expect a readmit in the next 24 to 48 hours. WHen I was there it was, "What are you doing here?!" When the staff walked in it was, "Oh hi honey how are you today." I have run out of patience sympathy and possibly kindness although I'm hanging on to it. She screamed at me again today. I said I'll see her "sometime later." I don't know when that will be (yes I do...in a month maybe).
When you can bear to get in touch with her again, see if you can arrange something ‘official’ along these lines. A clear assessment might help – although of course it is highly advisable if possible to get the POA, will etc before the assessment is made.