Mom's neediness is out of control. Any thoughts?

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Mom's neediness is out of control. Any thoughts?

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I am a caregiver for my early 80's mother who went into skilled care about 45 days ago. No dementia (3 tests in the last couple months confirmed no mental ailments). Can get out of bed with help and move around in a wheelchair, can walk with walker but not far. I am DPOA and MPOA for well over 10 years. Family (her siblings): one close does nothing but panic at the smallest little item and is no help and is NC because I can't take the drama, the other sibling is helpful but lives about 3 hours away so is not always around. Profile gives more info.

It seems like every other day is a panic with mom, yet she is on anti-anxiety and depression meds to prevent this. She texts or calls me constantly saying it's taking hours for someone to help her in the NH. As you can imagine it's impossible to concentrate on my job if she's constantly contacting me. Yes I've made her wait before I respond to try and "train" her that I'm not available at her every whim. She's asking for help for anything and everything from arranging her blankets (which she can do herself), saying she can't breath (panic attack?) however her O2 levels are 95+ and she's on 3 liters of O2, afraid she will fall out of bed even with rails, and on and on. So now I'm guessing when she presses her button the aides feel it's not so important because she's called wolf a few times. She hollers, throws things out the door etc to get their attention. There are 50+ other residents and she doesn't seem to understand they will not be there in a minute. She said they are not abusing her just slow to respond.

I have honestly never seen their response being overly lengthy, maybe 20 minutes at the most. There is only so much I can do and we've already moved from one facility because it was unclean and looked like a detention center. I'd really hate to put my mother on NC during the day while I work but I cannot have the continual disruptions. Also I'm afraid that the NH will kick her out and she will have no where to go.

Anxiety Mom Skilled Nursing Facility

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Maybe her anti-anxiety meds need to be upped. Don't let her anxiety become yours. Cut her off when you need to for your own health. She's being taken care of. Now take care of you.

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Thank you I needed to hear this. I just started a new job a few weeks ago and it's my dream job, I don't want to lose it. She just got on anti anxiety meds about 3 weeks ago, one of which should work within a half hour (benzo).

I love my mom very much and she's never ever acted like this in her whole life so I'm not used to seeing/hearing. It's hard, very hard but I'm frustrated.

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My mother is similar in that she feels the world revolves around her. That everyone should stop what they're doing and cater to her every whim within 20 seconds of her making a request. That's not real life and her needs aren't emergencies, yet she doesn't see it that way. She lives in a Memory Care ALF so they put up with her and just let it roll off their backs. I think you need to have a chat with the Director of Nursing at the SNF your mom is at; speak to him or her about your mom's behavior and how THEY intend to deal with it, b/c that's what is important here. Will they tolerate her outbursts or threaten to kick her out? That is the $64,000 question. I am certain your mother is not the first patient to act like this, and this is not the DONs first rodeo with this matter! If they're on board to keep her, then have a Come to Jesus talk with mom. Let her know that she's safe, fed, in a clean environment, and that you're not moving her again b/c the staff does not respond to her chronic call lights in a 'timely' enough fashion for her liking. Period.

Then turn your phone to vibrate during your working hours. Or block HER number while leaving the SNFs main number unblocked. That way, her calls won't come through but the staff calls WILL come through, meaning you will get an emergency call only. I do that frequently with my mother when I need a break from her constant histrionics (which is never an emergency). The staff can get thru to my phone, just not HER directly. It works quite well.

Sometimes it's necessary for a reality check for 'nervous' women whose anxiety rule their lives. Sometimes I feel like they use their 'anxiety' and 'nervousness' as an excuse to mask their righteous indignation for immediate service from the 'little people' put on earth to serve them.

Wishing you the best of luck with this situation.

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Yes I think I will need to turn on vibrate during work hours. I called her at lunch and she's panicked again, said she thought she fell out of bed. Nurse said no, we would have called you immediately (they have for other issues so they are very good with communication). How can you THINK you fell out of bed? I'm starting to wonder if she's having delusions or something else. I'm not sure those dementia tests were accurate.

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If she is in skilled care, let them use their skills to care for her.

Ringing phones can go unanswered.

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Yes I agree. My health is worth more than a ringing phone.

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You need to block her calls while at work. Your job could be in jeopardy with too many personal calls. I am 72 and I would never call my daughter at work. Maybe a text but thats rare. When I worked, it better be an emergency if one of my family called me while working. And if they did, it would be a very short conversation. You can set your phone to "do not disturb". Take Mom off ur contacts and when she calls, the call will go to VM. Then you can screen your calls. I may threaten her, "If you don't stop calling me, I will take your phone away for a week".

Really, some seem to become like children. They also seem to forget what being married, taking care of kids, working and keeping a house entail. They can not be the center of your world even though they want to be. Yes, she is Mom but you need to set boundries for your own sanity.

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I agree with the op setting boundaries and not allowing this to jeopardize her job, let alone the stress that all those unnecessary calls about arranging her blanket etc are imo what sounds like manipulative behaviors since dementia has been ruled out.

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Hello-
Aaahhh yes, moms never ending honey do’s; my mother was a master at this, and indeed it is VERY challenging. You MUST set boundaries and STICK to them. During a “non-emergency “ visit with mom, both of you sit down (in a chair not in bed), and in a kind, firm manner, tell mom you will not be available between x-x (your work hours)- do not explain, give her the unless it’s an emergency clause- nothing. Simply state you will not be available and as already mentioned, if she does have an actual emergency the facility will contact you. After losing several jobs during my years caring for my mother, I did this and it actually worked. Have the conversation over coffee and her favorite pastry- in a positive way. In my experience, I wish I would have laid down boundaries sooner than I did. Also, it’s likely that as time goes on, her “emergencies “ will increase so setting boundaries now will help for the future. Best wishes
susan xoxoxo

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I actually did sit down with her during my Tuesday visit, she was in a chair and we sat outside in the evening sun (her fav time of the day). I made it clear that I cannot take calls during working hours and that I will give her a quick call on my lunch on days that I do not visit to see how she's doing during the day along with my usual call in the evening on days I do not visit. She said she understood. I told the facility to call me (and they do) when there's an issue and I don't answer leave a vm which i can listen to within an an hour or so.

I think she's afraid she will be forgotten by the facility or by her family. That's not going to happen.

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Does she have a psychiatrist appointment ? Maybe she needs to see one . Seems like she should make some friends . Sounds like panic attacks . Yesterday my Dad said “ Karen stop I don’t want to fall down .” I think they have real fears but when facing old age snd death they are legitimate . Have her keep a note book and ways of coping with her real or unrealistic concerns and how she can rectify
dome of these beliefs / maybe attending church or joining Bingo , starting a hobby , collaging . Make sure when your family visits you encourage her independence and keep buying her journals to write in and then have her share it with you .

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Yes, per my request, a counselor visited her again on Tuesday afternoon, and recommended they adjust her anxiety meds which they changed on Wednesday (yesterday) so we will see how this goes. The benzo is now for breakthrough anxiety and they've put her on daily Buspar. I'm hoping this helps.

Mom does have a notebook and she has written down a few things so I'll encourage her to do more.

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Can your mom write? Tell her that you will visit once a week, and she should make a list of everything she would like you to do or to discuss with you. Meanwhile, block her calls during the workday. The staff will call you if there is an emergency. Your mom is bored and hyperfocused on herself. Suggest to her that during the day she participate in the patient activities.

Also, discuss her behavior with the nursing staff. I am fairly certain they have dealt with this before. Ask for suggestions from them. It may be that they feel like she could benefit from additional meds or some sort of behavior modification therapy or counseling. However, often these requests need to come from the family and not the staff in order for the doctor to honor them.

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For my mom, the predominent symptom of her cognitive decline was panic.

Please get a geriatric psychiatrist to see her (the NH likely has one who visits) and get her meds adjusted.

Your mom has 24/7 oversight. She needs to learn to rely on the staff in the moment and not have you so easily available.

Concentrate on your job.

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The op said her mother has been tested several times recently and does not have dementia

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May I suggest that she needs the routine and consistency of that dementia patients tend to thrive on. It would be helpful for staff to let her know when they will come in to see her again. It would also be helpful for her to get involved in activities in her facility: to pass time, to make friends, and to to decrease the phone calls. Lastly, I suggest she might need to see a geriatric counsellor or psychiatrist since her current medications are not appearing to work very well. If she has just recently been put on her anti-anxiety and depression medications, they do take awhile to get to therapeutic levels in her blood stream.

In the meantime, let your mother know that you have confidence in the staff. Let her phone calls go to voicemail and call her back at your convenience.

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Tell her that.
Let her know it's either where she is or the other place.
Let her know the place is understaffed so it takes them 20 minutes or so to come, which is a long time, especially if you need to go to the bathroom.
Tell her you can not talk to her during work time.
Tell her during that time, she will have to call other Siblings that you won't be answering the phone. Make sure you don't.
Mare sure mom has a large clock in her room and give her a Kitchen Timer to set for 20 minutes so she will know not to ask for help again until the timer goes off.
If mom has her own room, you should install a camera so you can see what's going on 24 7 from your cell phone and computer. I use Nest for my 97 yr old Dad and it was easy to install.
That way in the beginning if she calls durung work hours,, you can always just peak and see abd hear what's going on in her room.
You also might see about mom getting off the meds because most Nursing Homes have the Dr's put the people on meds especially the ones they call trouble makers to make it easier for the Caretakers and Nurses.
and any kind of med's alters your thinking especially ones they give saying there to help with anxiety or depression.
They can effect people the wrong way.

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Is she up in her wheelchair most of the day? At my mom's memory care, they have everyone up and about most of the day. I mean people especially ones that are mobile either with walkers or wheelchairs can go to their rooms when they want, but when they do the staff check on them often especially when activities are going on. If she is up, she could get herself to a staff member. Of course, if it's happening at night when she's in bed and needs help up, that doesn't help any, and places are usually lower staffed in the evenings.
I like the idea that you give her a timer, that she can set, that she won't call you unless they don't respond in x minutes. Is it a call button that she uses or can she telephone the desk? An I need the toilet call or I can't breathe should get priority over a blanket arranging call. As my mom has gotten more confused about things, her anxiety has gotten worse, or maybe her ability to control or reason away her anxiety has deteriorated. She was always a worrier, but functioned fine, but was always early in case of traffic, or has extra clothes in case the weather changed. She was the go to when you needed a safety pin or band aid etc, her purse was ready for all emergencies.
Now she is taking some anti anxiety meds, and it seems to help quite a bit . Sometimes she would say I m so nervous but couldn't explain why, but that hasn't happened in a while. Maybe your mom could benefit, ask her dr.

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My mom's MC did that too. They wanted all the residents out of their rooms in the general area and participating or at least watching the activities. There were 7 different activities each day. No TVs in rooms, no sitting around all day and napping so they were up at night. It really cut down on panic calls from Mom.

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Why are you poa and mpoa if she has her mental faculties? In talking with an attorney in the past they said that is typically something that kicks in if and when the person becomes unable to make their own decisions unless they just don’t want to make their own decisions. It seems like it would be easier given her neediness and what really sounds like manipulative behavior to leave that with her and not allow yourself to be drawn in other than whatever amount of contact you choose to have.

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Trust me, it is way better to get DPOA while they have their mind. Once diagnosed with dementia, you cannot get DPOA because they can't legally sign it once diagnosed with dementia. She was smart to do it ahead of time.

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You know she’s in a safe place. You need to block her number while you’re at work. If there IS an emergency, the home will call you. Let her know that you can’t be reached unless at work, so that she’s not surprised, but you’ll probably need to tell her several times before she learns that there are certain times of the day where you’re unavailable.

You need to establish boundaries to reduce your own anxiety, because everything is already being done to reduce hers. Work has to be a priority, too. I’m sure the last thing you want is for the constant interruptions to reflect badly upon you at work.

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The fact your mom “thinks” she fell out of bed says something is wrong with her thinking. Ask them to check for uti. Since your mom is new at this NH, they don’t know what normal is for her. Best of luck in these hard times.

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Oh my, my mom was the same way when she was in a NH for rehab! Non-stop phone calls and complaints about how long everything took, constantly saying she was being neglected...She used to call me and ask me to call the nurses' station because she asked for water or the bedpan and nobody came to help her. The last time I did it for her, I was on hold for literally 60 minutes, so I hung up and called her room - oh, they got her water, took care of her toilet needs, changed her & tucked her into bed - all while I was on hold. So after that, I either quit answering the phone or would tell her that I'd call them, but didn't. (We also brought her a case of water, so it was one less thing for her to gripe about.) She was known to constantly ring the bell, so after awhile, they quit running every time she rang it. (The boy that cried wolf syndrome)

Since it seemed to get worse (the calls)after 6:00pm, I would not answer the phone. I would call her once to say goodnight & tell her I'm going to bed.

The only advice I would offer is block her calls while you are at work. Let the NH know what you are doing and tell them to call you if it is an emergency. Good luck.

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HI

Maybe she's just scared at being in a new place , maybe she feels discarded or is afraid she will be . It's an unfamiliar place even though she's been there over a month .
Getting older is hard , losing your autonomy, even worse.

Speak to her , tell her you love her ( if you have that sort of relationship) and that the facility that you have placed her in is a good one .
Tell her you want the best for her and you can't do that on your own and that she is somewhere where if anything goes wrong she can get proper attention immediately .
Tell her she is in danger of being kicked out and if that happens she might not get what's best for her after that .

You can perhaps block her number during working hours and speak to those on front desk duty letting them know that if possible they can email you updates or call if an emergency occurs .

You can call her every morning at a set time and after that tell her you are at work and will check in with her after and that she will not be able to reach you until then as you have meetings etc ( whatever works ) . Stick to it . Do not deviate .
Eventually this will become routine. I figure two to three calls a day to ask her how she is and reassure her is better than constant .

Send her or take her cheerful things for her room .
A nice print or painting to look at, a radio or small tv , nice comforters and a rug maybe . Some flowers ( artificial or real ) with a card that says I love you . Just nice touches like that , might help .
Elder care rooms are often so barren and ugly with just the bare minimum Is there anything in the room from her previous home, anything familiar ? Photos ? , books ? Etc ? Think about that .
Try anything but speaking to her is best , ask her what her fears are and why she is so agitated . That's the best and first step .

I wish you luck .

L

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I call her every day at lunch for about 10 minutes to check on her. I'm trying to set a routine that works for both of us. Even though there's a large clock and calendar I feel like she's lost track of time.

I'm slowing taking in more of her things to decorate her room. She has her favorite blanket and I've put out some autumn decorations and flowers. Rooms are very sterile and I aim to fix that!

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You might try to use a plastic hourglass to help your mother set resumable response times for the staff. When I kept my 3-6-year-old grand-nephew at home with me while I worked remotely, I used a 30 minute plastic hour glass to set expectations. Told him "unless it's an emergency, you need to wait until the sand runs out of the hourglass to interrupt me when I working" and I would talk with him before each meeting to see if he wanted anything and tell him I would be talking on the phone for a while. It took a couple of weeks but this system worked very well with a young child. Occasionally, I used the hourglass with my mother with MCI after she suffered a fall when Mom would not remember she has called me 2 minutes before... Notes left wth her that I was on a conference call and would be in to check on her by the time the sand ran out helped a lot!

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My mother acted the same way - as if SHE was the only patient on the entire floor. Everything became high priority for mother - whether she needed her glass of water refilled (it was half full) or her blanket pulled up more or the blinds closed, or wanting someone to talk to- everything had to happen NOW. I tried to get her to put together a list of 5 things she needed and only then utilize the call button. But she didnt. She didn't want to. And if they didn't respond within like instantly, she would call me. And if I didn't answer, she would call every 5 or 10 minutes - leave messages - until I called or picked up. (and that was AFTER I spent, on average, 4-7 hours every other day with her - running interference so they wouldn't kick her out).
She even called me at 2:30am and 4:30am (yes, they ended up taking her phone away from her at nights). It got so bad that the night nurses took away her call button - I know - it was a huge no-no but it was THAT bad (her room was right across from the nurses station so they could hear her if it was a serious situation). She actually believed that the nurses and aides at the facility were skilled 'servants' as she called them, and were suppose to take care of her every need and want. And she treated them that way. Nothing I said, or did, or didn't do, changed her thinking or way of being. the only time the staff and me got some quiet was when they gave her heavy duty pain meds that would make her sleepy. So, logic, reasoning, trying to 'train' - nothing worked - medications did.

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I totally understand what you're saying! I'm hoping once they get her meds situated and find the right cocktail she will improve. My mom has never ever had anxiety like this. One minute she wants to live and the next she's ready to die because no one pay attention to her.

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Why on earth can you not put a boundary in place that you will not take her calls during work hours? If there is an emergency the facility will handle it.

You are rewarding her behaviour if you make yourself available 24/7.

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I know, I know. Her being an NH is very new to me and so is her neediness. I need to adjust and I am.

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I see several issues here - what you describe is very common in elderly people - they are either selfish or simply don't care or see "others" in need. They want what they want when they want it. Very typical - they are demanding and do not act in sensible and patient ways. Second, almost all facilities are short handed and if not, they are stretched to the limits. There simply is no way to be 'one on one' - you have to wait your turn and there is no way to change that. God help you if it is an emergency and you cannot help yourself Third, I doubt they will kick her out because then they would most likely empty the place as they all do it. As to you, learn to NOT answer your phone or turn it off. Stop enabling her by jumping at every call. You can't fix her as her mind and will won't accept anything except what she wants - so get tough and ignore it. If something happens, I assure you she is in the right place and they will deal with the situation accordingly. Stay out of it - let them do their job - you can't give her one on one care unless you sit next to her 24/7. Get tough and live your life and let them take over. Do not feel guilty.

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Yes it is a I want it now problem. The facility is a little short handled, not sure how much. I've told her several times there's no one on one care. I think she might be on a real mental decline that these so called tests are not picking up, or it could be a UTI as someone suggested. She's a dialysis patient so they do blood testing weekly, I see her results and they are all within the normal range.

I'm not used to seeing my mother in this situation and being so needy. She was a very independent person ALL her life, even during marriage. It's heartbreaking but I'm starting to adjust and set my boundaries. No matter what I have to keep on living my life and supporting myself else I'll be out on the streets.

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I’m not sure what the abbreviation NC means first of all.
however, it sounds to me like either your mom is not complaint with her medications, or she’s on the wrong type or dosage. Anxiety in the absence of dementia which you claim she doesn’t have, is not being controlled.

I will tell you it is very common for the elderly in rehab or LTC to complain about staff not dashing in the minute they hit the call button. They think they are the only patient. I heard complaints like this all the time. I would suggest you not answer the phone when you are busy since you can do nothing about it. She is in a facility where she is safe and getting cared for. If something is seriously wrong they will call you. Put your phone on silent or block her call while you work.
you say she went in to LTC 45 days ago…this is a very short time as far as a resident to get acclimated. It is hard to adjust and usually takes 3-6 months. DO NOT move her if she seems cared for as it’s confusing and hard to adjust all over again. Talk with her doctor about her behavior and see if a medication adjustment is needed. Check with the charge nurse to see if your mom is refusing her meds also.

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NC means No Contact. It is often referred to when people get to their wits' end because, frequently, of dealing with narcissistic personalities, emotional abuse, or just complete and constant ignoring of reasonable boundaries.

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Someone on here said to have her checked for a UTI…and I think that is a good idea. You say she doesn’t have dementia, but she exhibits signs and a UTI can often act like dementia in the elderly

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I actually talked to the nurse about this yesterday. She is a dialysis patient so she doesn't pee much at all. They are going to check for UTI today. Thank you for the suggestion.

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Stoplight: Imho, perhaps she requires a geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate her.

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She is just objecting to being where she is. Turn your phone off during the day or block her number. You can control access by controlling when her number is accepted - being "on call" at work is obviously not acceptable and is just going to cause you problems. She will only take on board that she has to wait when you stop pandering to her and leave the facility to answer her when they can. As long as there is an emergency call that she can be given strict instructions as to when it can be used she will be fine. You may be able to work with the facility to show her call button is for when something is really needed by getting them to send all staff to her when she calls - a roomful of staff wanting to know what the emergency is may get the message through.

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Thanks to everyone who replied. I really appreciate your responses and suggestions. I'm busy making a list to try and help mom become more comfortable in her new life at the NH.

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If your mother doesn't have dementia, can still get around but with assistance, and doesn't really need skilled care why is she in a nursing home?
Could she go home and have live-in help move in? You might see a huge improvement if she was home and not in a facility.
In the meantime, you're doing the right thing not responding immediately to all the calls. She has to understand that your life and time is not hers to control.

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Mom's neediness is out of control. Any thoughts?

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