My mother was placed into assisted living three months ago. My sister and I decided to start cleaning out three levels of a large house. My sister started claiming the property that was very expensive, antiques and collectibles. When the day was over I listed what she wanted compared to about a half a box of things that I had requested. I realized it was unbalanced and unfair. Aside from specifics bequeathed to us, all was to be shared. My sister threw a fit! She said mom knew that she always wanted those. There were three large boxes of expensive hand-painted Christmas ornaments and she was not willing to give up even one of them. It was insanity! Mother was very generous with her in the will. When I calmly explained that mom wanted things to be split she started yelling at me and saying that if I live in the house I'm living basically for free. She deserves what she wants. I only offered to live in the house because I didn't want it to sit empty. I can see what things are going to be like when Mom passes and I am the executor of the will. I don't want to be executor because my sister is manipulative and has always thrown big fat fits and gotten very mean if she did not get what she wanted, therefore she always got what she wanted. How do I change the executor? Mom has Alzheimer's and is incompetent to do this. My sister and I have dual power of attorney.
You sister throws fits because she has been taught that's an effective way of getting her way. The same behavior is very common with toddlers. Stop giving ground _anytime_ she throws a fit and eventually she will learn she gets more of what she wants with reasonable discussion. Walk out of the room, hang up the phone, or put in some earplugs every time she starts. I recommend shooting ear plugs as they reduce loud and shrill noises while still allowing you to hear reasonable speech.
This IS the hill you want to die on. Push back. Bullies cannot handle it when someone pushes back.
my aunt “helped herself” to the content of the house!
my Mom called her and her brother and told them that those items would be return immediately or she would call the police...grand theft.
the items were returned.
as executor you must itemize the entire content of the house and have it appraised....you must force the return of those items or get the police to retrieve them.
I would do a complete inventory of the house and sell everything possible to provide for moms care until she dies. This will more than likely leave nothing to split.
You are not obligated to give in to a spoiled tantrum throwing female that is old enough to know better, unfortunately she has found that it gets her what she wants. But she is not entitled to take anything from mom's estate. I think it is exploitative to say the will says I get things, yeah but the person is still alive and wills only come into play after death.
Your sister could very well become the executor if you don't keep the position, I am not sure the procedure, but there is a way for someone to petition the courts to be executor if there is not one in place for whatever reason. Do you really want her making those decisions?
Best of luck getting this sorted out, it is hard enough without greed playing a part.
If you are EACH legally permitted to act independent of the other, you have no way to stop her from doing whatever she thinks is right, but SHE has no way of stopping you either.
The moral high ground is doing WHAT’S OF MOST BENEFIT FOR YOUR MOTHER, and in THAT context, you will both be making your decisions independently about HER property.
If you will be having a sale to raise funds for her care, you will have to decide if there are some items of value that SHOULD be sold to benefit your mom’s comfort and security in her care setting.
Although this approach may not appeal to your sister’s sense of HER rights, I preferred to pay the sale value of the items I loved that belonged to the household of my late grandmother and grandfather, and for ME, the moral high road was to PURCHASE them at the values established by the team that arranged the house sale.
I will tell you that my decision did not sit well with my co POA, but I quickly learned how to figure out when that person was being helpful with my LO’s care, and when the person was being self serving.
With your focus on lovingly caring for your mother, you can be sure that YOUR decision making is in line with what SHE would want.
You do not have to have a front row seat to her drama, interact with your mother, avoid her.
This may seem harsh, but your mother is apparently advancing in age and declining in health, yet the two of you are arguing over possessions. You both need to step back, assess the situation and decide what's important: supporting your mother, not only in hard asset disposition but in showing solidarity.
And as Techie notes, assets may be valuable, and if the Will had become operational (as in when your mother passes), you'd be bound by the mandate to address financial obligations first, before asset disposition.
In addition, if you're living in the house and your mother likely will not be returning, perhaps you should be assessing the possibility of selling the house, or if Medicaid is in the picture, address that issue. Are you paying the bills, property taxes, insurance? Or are these obligations being paid from your mother's funds? If so, your sister has a valid complaint.
I think at this point the best thing you can do is to accept that you are executor, and to serve as such but have a lawyer handle all the details for you. Would this COST the estate? Oh, my, yes it would. However, all questions from your sister could then simply be referred to the lawyer, who would know what letters must be sent to her when, and who would distribute the estate.
If the house is in a trust then Medicaid can’t touch it. So I wouldn’t worry about that.
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