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I am seeking some support and advice from the community. I am a semi-estranged only child, who lives on the west coast. I moved out here years ago to get some distance from my narcissistic and emotionally abusive mother. I have had a lot of work to do to develop healthy boundaries, and have done literally years of therapy to find a reasonable baseline for my own wellbeing and to develop ways to take care of myself. I have no siblings, and have never met my father. My mother lives on the east coast, and she owns a house that also comes with a lot of land. She no longer earns any income, and has been living off a reverse mortgage, but that reverse mortgage money is coming to an end. If she were to sell the house, she could get enough money from the sale to pay off the reverse mortgage and have money left over to also afford a much smaller and modest place. The thing is, she refuses to sell her property. She is beyond reason on this, and while I do have empathy for her experience of not wanting to leave a place she’s lived in for many years, there are no other reasonable options. And to be clear, this is not a place that my husband and I want to live, and even if we did, there’s no way we could even afford it and maintain some semblance of our own retirement planning and our own financial healthy boundaries, etc. The property is way out of any financial range that we could afford. If I do try to talk to my mother about this, she becomes emotionally abusive and I end up having days’ worth of complex trauma triggers that take me about 2-3 days to recover from. The relationship is such that I have to do a lot of emotional preparation to even talk to her on the phone, and going to visit her is a whole other level of trauma management and emotional preparation. I would greatly appreciate any empathy and/or support and/or insights. Thank you!

All of that work for boundaries and now it is so easily gone?
I cannot imagine.
This isn't even your problem or your business in all honesty.
Your mother has refused to sell the property.
She is apparently in her right mind, and even if she were NOT in her right mind, attempting to take over the life of someone uncooperative who has dementia from another side of the country is absolutely impossible.

I think this is for you and your therapist to discuss.
You are NOT responsible for your mother. Your connection is a blood connection which gives you no rights and no authorities. If she wishes to die alone in this home, allow her to. If she wishes to stay there until she is ushered out the door due to eviction, then let her. If you have concerns report them to APS and suggest guardianship by the state.

To me, your question is the easiest one of the day.
I cannot imagine this large "Simon-says take all the giant steps backward you ever managed to find your way forward to".

Please continue to get help, practice the serenity prayer daily. THIS is not in your control. Stay out of it.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to AlvaDeer
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It seems you have no viable alternative but to leave mom to make her own decisions, even bad ones. Make sure you and hubby have a plan in place for your reaction when the time comes that she loses her home and possibly wants help from you. Knowing ahead what you will and/or won’t do will help you feel calm and in control. I wouldn’t discuss the house with her again, by this point she knows the truth of it. She’s not the first to deny and pretend something won’t happen. I’m sorry it can’t be different or better, but I’m glad you’ve been wise to protect your own health
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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This is not your problem to solve. If she is in her right mind, she is allowed to make decisions, even bad ones. And it's not your responsibility to pick up the pieces. Make certain that you have your plan in place for dealing with the worst case scenario - that she loses the house and she asks you for financial support. Decide NOW how you will handle this and practice your words so when the time comes you don't hesitate. And decide how much you want to get emotionally invested, too. You should know that whatever decision you make you should feel no guilt. She has made decisions her entire life that lead to this point and it's not your responsibility to fix them.
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Reply to jkm999
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Don't associate yourself with emotionally abusive individuals.

This is not your problem unless you chose to make it yours. You should have nothing to do with this woman if she has that much of an effect on you.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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Your mother will have to live with her poor choices regardless of the consequences, and you will then have the choice to pick up the pieces or not.
And being "semi-estranged" I would probably just let the chips fall where they may, and not pick up the pieces when they fall.
I can only guess that you are not your mothers POA anyway, so if and when the time comes, you can just let the state take over her care and figure out what to do with any of her assets.
You have to now do and continue to do what is best for you and your mental health, and if that is letting your mother make mistakes and make her life a mess without your interference, well so be it.
Not all stories have happy endings and those of us that grew up in major dysfunction just have to be ok with that, as we can't rewrite our stories.
We can only move forward and do what we can to make sure that we don't repeat the same mistakes our parents made.
So you do you and do whatever you need to to keep your mental health intact.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Tell your mother either she sells the house or she will lose it once it is foreclosed on. That you will not provide any financial assistance to her to keep this house and she will not be living with you once she is homeless. Then leave it to her to do what she wants. No reason for you to get abused by this woman because she can't accept the reality of her situation.

If she is wasn't such a witch I might suggest taking her to a financial planner and have them explain the numbers to her but it doesn't sound like she would go anyway.

And please never move your mother into your house. No matter if she is in fact homeless and needs someplace to say. Direct her to the nearest and cheapest motel in her area that she can afford.
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Reply to anonymous1768885
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CalmHealth, I hope your Mom realizes at the end of the Reverse Mortgage her Estate would still needs to pay for the "interest" on that RevMortg, plus "fees". Or if she sells her house, whatever equity is left, part of it will go to the RevMortg for the interest/fees.


Interest piles up over time because the lender doesn't take out interest/fees when the monthly payment is given to the person receiving the RevMortg.
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Reply to freqflyer
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You can try writing her a letter and sending it off in the mail. A quick phone call to let her know it's coming and to please read it.

Explain the options to her and what you're willing to do to help. Explain the other option of her not doing anything. You can advise her to contact an attorney close to her to help her iron out her final days and how she will survive and where she will live. Sit back and wait for her to do something or let the chips fall where they may for her.

Take care of yourself. It's important.
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Reply to Sha1911
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You absolutely have my sympathy and, also, some empathy.
I know how hard it is to try and help someone who doesn't want to accept it. The frustration of watching them make mistakes when you can see how to resolve the situation can be overwhelming. It is literally debilitating, as every attempt to make things right saps your energy and opens you up to abuse.

I went through this when trying to help my mum rehabilitate after a stroke. Her husband got very nasty with me and, with his support of her doing nothing, Mum went along with him and never regained her independence.

I had to take a step back, for my own wellbeing and sanity, and so do you.

I knew that the outcome would be Mum becoming frail and incapable and dying relatively young. Just as you know that the outcome could be your mum living in poverty, losing her home and, possibly, never getting the real value of her property back when it is forcibly sold by the bank.

There's nothing you can do, and you need to accept that.

I would do what another poster suggests - write a clear and to the point letter, explaining the possible outcomes of your mum selling or not selling. You could copy the letter and send it every 6 months, in the hopes that one day it will be read with an open mind (or not).

Other than that, stop engaging on this matter. In fact, keep contact to a level that you can deal with, even if that's zero.
Your wellbeing matters, so protect your boundaries.

Practice meditation. Tell yourself repeatedly that you did your best and now you give this matter up to the universe (or the gods, or whatever sits best with you). It's no longer your problem. Breathe it out.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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Why are you making this your problem? Let her live with the consequences of her actions. Just make it clear you are not her Plan B
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Reply to lkdrymom
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