My sister, an LPN lives with her and the will states she is the legal medical advisor. My father died 5 years ago, the will keeps being revised. In the original will everything was divided equally between the 4 children, now my sister is inheirting everything. After my mom's fall, my sister opted to treat her at home, with pain meds, and oxygen .. I live out of state. I received an e-mail a week after the fall from my sister, because my brother told her too. (He meant for her to tell me about the fall and the will changes) My sister took my mom to family doctor after a week; sent me the e-mail about the fall (only) but they had good news; the x-rays showed no broken bones? I sent her an e-mail asking why she waited a week, she said mom didn't want to go to ER and that she had to respect her wishes!! My Mom fell 4 years ago while I was there visiting and she didn't want to go to ER then either. I loaded her up into the car, and took her anyway. She needed alot of stitches in her head, and they kept her overnight for observation. I also asked my siter in that e-mail if the doctor (small rural town) had requested an MRI. The MRI done when I was there shows she had been having mini strokes" No,MRI was ordered only PT. " I'm thinking my sister does not want a repeat MRI ,because I'm sure she actually does know enough, that it would probably void all the new wills. Questions I have are: 1. What are laws regarding taking an elderly parent to ER against their will? I've also thought of talking to my mom's doctor and telling her my sister gave her pain pills (from who knows where?) and oxygen? and waited a week for her to be seen. I would also be able to express my concerns to her about my mom's mental stability. My mother was very hostile and agressive with me when I spoke with her on the phone. I'm sure she thought I knew about the will changes from the e-mail my sister sent ,when I was simply calling to talk about her fall and to see how she was doing.( I didn't know anything about new changes). I'm very upset with lots of things...my mom's treatment towards me, (which started after my father died. My mom always thought I loved him more) . Her anger and hostility intensified when my sister moved in to her house, My sister whom is over 50, never liked me because in her words I was thinner, prettier and people liked me better. I have never done or said anything bad to her. The last time I was visiting my mom, my sister got so angry with me, she grabed me by my throat and was shaking me up and down. I left not saying anything to her, The next day in front of my mom, I said in a regular voice, to my sister, if you do that to me again, I will call the police. My mom, said" You would do that to your own sister"? I know if I talk with her doctor, social workers etc. will become involved, with the possibility of my sister losing her job. I think there is the potential of her killing my mother, ( not intentionally) but due to an over elaluation of her knowledge,(in my opinion.) My mom wants to stay in her home, and obviously is happy with her care and the caretaker. That would all change I'm sure if I( talked with her doctor) In the call with my mother she said I had lots of wrong information, no, she didn't buy my sister a car ( butmy sisters e-mail , she said she paid her back?) she never co-signed a $40,000 loan for my sister to pay back her credit card debt, but then she did remember the back calling her about the money? My 85 y/o mother just finished paying off her loan. No, she never paid off the mortgage of the sisters boyfriends property when it was going into foreclosure(she was living with him, there was never any paperwork) My mother told me we were all treated the same in the will, ( None of these things are true.) All her anger was being directed at my brother who owes her over $100,000. She was yelling at me, like it was my fault"I'll never see any of that money
" In my sisters second e-mail "they are concerned about running out of money" My older brother who lives near them, saw my sisters name on the bank deposit slip on my moms table. My sister is only the health advisor? That should be the executor (the other brother) right? I sent my mom an e-mail requesting that my name be completely taken out of the will ( I think there are some stocks in my name.I don't know because I've never seen it) I wrote I do not want anything from her, and all I had ever wanted was just her love. Of course,.
I've heard nothing from my mom. Meanwhile my older brother said the holy spirit visited him, and said my mother would die soon) The same thing happened before my father past away? Should I just let whatever is going to happen, happen? Neither of my brothers are talking with my mom. There isn't really very much medically wrong with my mom. It does bother me that the sister talks so much to her about dying and her medications,etc.and then that's what my mom has to think about when she is home alone all day. I don't think that is very healthy. What should I do?
Some alarm bells are ringing for me and I am sure others will chip in
If you fell under a car and clearly had a broken leg but said you didn't want to go to hospital, what are the chances you would be able to go home with leg untreated?
Your Mum's doctor would NOT be able to tell if your Mum had had an Transient Ischaemic Attack especially if it was a small TIA or mini stroke. They are or should be viewed as indicators that something is going on and that should be investigated. If you sister is your Mums Health attorney she has a duty IN LAW to act in her mother's best interests AT ALL TIMES
From the information you have provided it would seem that your mother may be being financially abused from either your brother your sister or both. My suggestion would be to talk to APS and discuss your fears. No point in going to the doc re a lot of the things you mentioned - he won't be interested in money.
Your Mum's biggest problem will come when there IS no money left because if she wants to access MedicAid they will go back through her finances and want to know where the money is.
Your mother may have made your sister her financial POA but she still has to use that money for her mother and must be able to show that it was used for her well being.
Example
If your Mum can't drive and she needs to be driven everywhere then if she bought a car IN HER NAME but for her daughter to use that would probably be OK. The asset remains as hers but the daughter does get an additional benefit there and that is fair
If your Mum can't go on holiday alone but wants to go on holiday then it would be OK for her to pay for her daughter to go with her plus all incumbent costs because it is for your Mum not your sister.
If she pays for your sister to go on holiday alone that would be iffy....is she paying for her to have respite so she has the strength to continue caring for your Mum or is it just a gift? Two significantly different things.
It is NOT OK fore your Mum to pay off loans or gift large sums of money and if they were loans there ought to be a contract to say so.
One thing I will say is this. If you really have concerns about your mother's financial physical or emotional well being (or all three) then to do nothing is neglect because you have believed it and done nothing about it.
PS buy a crash helmet because the fall out will be vile and start keeping all emails and dairying conversations - dates times people and content of conversation - you might need it.
because her decision making process could be brought into question.
dairying? diarising!
I NEED AN EDIT BUTTON
Okay.
Your mother is 85. If the MRI showed that she is having repeated mini-strokes I would interpret that to mean that she probably has vascular dementia. Inform yourself about it.
Over a period of about three years, my mother became an increasing falls risk. As it was, we were frequent flyers at our local ER; if I'd taken her there every time she'd fallen we'd have had to pay rent. Legally, unless your mother has been certified as lacking capacity, your mother has the final say on whether or not she accepts medical treatment. Ethically, even if her capacity is in doubt her wishes should still be consulted and should only be overruled if it is clearly necessary. Deciding when it is necessary is of course the tricky bit. It's a judgement call that depends on knowing your mother, knowing the risks and weighing the pros and cons. You have to be there, so to speak. You have to know what you're doing. Reckon you qualify, do you?
Medically: to justify an MRI or any other investigation, there has to be a point. What do you imagine a repeat MRI would tell your mother's doctor that he doesn't already know? Here's an idea: maybe he didn't order this expensive investigation because he didn't think it useful or necessary to irradiate your mother's head. Or, if you prefer, maybe he's in cahoots with your sister to make sure she gets all the money heh heh heh...
Actually, you know what, I don't want to go on about it. You're not there, you're not involved, you say you're concerned only about your mother's health and then say there's nothing much wrong with her medically via saying that your sister informs you only reluctantly when there's an incident and having based this entire thread (which is all about money) on the pretext that you're concerned about increasingly frequent falls - in brief, what do you know about it? You know nothing - or rather you know just enough to hide in the trees, snipe at your sister and belittle her abilities which, by the way, have kept your mother safe and comfortable at home for five years.
You have no idea of the amount of work that your sister is undertaking. Either help, or shove off out of it. I didn't get to take my SIL warmly by the throat but my God I've never been closer to punching anybody in the face. After reading your post, I can only conclude that you must be even more of a thorn in your sister's flesh than my SIL was in mine, and my heart goes out to her.
An executor is a person responsible for carrying out a will after a person's death. Your mother's money while she is alive, if she is unable to manage it herself, should be handled by somebody with power of attorney. That could be your brother, but there is nothing fundamentally wrong with its being your sister if your mother authorises her to do it; and if you're no more reliably informed about your mother's finances than you seem to be about her health care then perhaps you had better keep out of it. Clearly, what is certain is that your mother didn't choose you for the job; which means it's none of your business.
And your mother's will is also none of your damned business until after her death. If you enjoy wasting money you can always challenge its validity on her passing.
Yeah, I'm often tempted to throttle people who have never done or said anything bad too… Wish I'd been a fly on the wall when that scene played.
My younger sister, much like the one in the first post, absolutely believes that I am taking advantage of our mother, that I have directed what she put in the will (I've read the will - she left odd, random things to each of us 5 children - I foresee trouble ahead when this will is read, but that's what Mom decreed), that I am not concerned about her medical condition, that Mom "just sits in the house all day and never gets to go anywhere", and on and on. I think for adult children who aren't present and rarely visit, and only gather their information from chance remarks or random emails, that the caregiver gets a very bad rap. I do everything I can for our mother's welfare, both physical, mental, and financial - I am not 'taking' anything, money or material wise - I wish I could get my younger sister to see that.
I agree that it's easy to point fingers when you aren't on the scene, but I also understand that it's hard for someone away from the situation if they worry about possible mistreatment of the loved one. Facts are hard to come by because of different viewpoints.
You may have to just step back, contact your mom when you can, and if you have actual proof of mistreatment - financial or physical/emotional - then call adult protective services and let the system do what it does.
None of this is easy for anyone. Counseling may help you handle it better and decide whether or not you should take action.
Please update us when you can.
Carol
She needs to be kept interested in doing things for herself as much as possible, kept vitalised through conversation and stimulated through music etc as well as kept as fit as possible through as much exercise as she can manage even if it is only a chair bicycle, nourished with healthy food and liquid (meds that are prescribed) and befriended by people who will love and nurture her well being.
If all that is happening then there is nothing to worry about. If not it really is put up or shut up as we say in England - i.e. do something or don't complain - it has to be one or the other.
My mom is almost 90 and she falls frequently when she's doing something she has been told not to do! She's been under hospice for almost 4 years so they check her out!
However, if they advise it I take her to the ER!
Wish I could offer more advise!
It's sad when siblings get this p*ssed at each other and an elder parent is caught in the crossfire.
To answer the question about her grabbing me and shaking me up and down and if I reported it to the police. The next day when my sister and mother were together, I told my sister (normal voice) that if she ever did that again I whould call the police. My mothers response " you would do that to your own sister?" My sister is 3 times my size and my arm was in a sling due to bicycle accident , where I broke my elboe. In my opinion some people should read these questions more carefully before casting judgements and sputting their venum.
2) As hard as it is to do, separate the emotions from the facts. From personal family experience, I encourage you to have a trusted friend, pastor, etc. assist you as it is difficult to be unbias when it involves your own parents and siblings. 3) Take this information (fact sheet) to your local Area on Aging and/or Ombudsman for review and discussion. These individuals are trained to identify signs of possible misconduct and could start any intervention or exploratory action.
This is a very difficult and emotional roller coaster ride. Facts are key and the more documentation (medical reports, bank records, recorded documents - ie. loan paperwork, vehicle registrations, tax records, etc.) that can be reviewed the better.
As many others have said on this page, sometimes and/or somethings may be best left behind a closed and locked door. It is your life first. If you can move on in your heart, mind, and gut, do so. If you believe the facts clearly indicate wrong doing (civil or criminal) report it. Elder abuse is rampant and shockingly under-reported. The largest percent of the abuse happens within families. Only you can decide what is best for you and your mom/family. God bless.
About the will -- my mother was going to leave everything to my brother when he was still alive. It was because she felt he needed these things and the rest of us didn't. I think parents make judgments like that quite frequently. If your sister is there for her, your mother may also feel that her estate would also help to repay for the care your sister provided. This is a very noble thought if it is what your mother had in mind. So often in the world of caregiving, we see one child do all the work -- often hurting themselves financially to do it -- but everyone sharing equally in any money left over. Unless the estate is in the millions, I wouldn't worry about any undue influence your sister might have had.
You ask why we focused on your relationship with your sister, instead of the question about falling. It may be that most of your message was pointing out all the things wrong with your sister and the bad relationship you have with her. We just follow where your words lead us, since we're not there to see what happened.
I must say you're remarkably au fait with your mother's routine. Considering that you are in no way included in it. Sorry, that's not constructive. I'll start again.
Where are you getting your information?
What changes to your mother's care do you feel would benefit your mother?
Do you have any concrete reasons to believe that your mother's health and long term prognosis are at risk through failings on your sister's part?
What improvements to your relationships with a) your mother and b) your sister would you like to see happen?
One thing I can explain, and I'll also take the opportunity to apologise to you for responding angrily to your post instead of reflecting first and collecting myself: why everyone is being so harsh and critical. There is a phenomenon known in caregiving circles as "The Seagull" - the person who flies in, makes a heck of a row, craps all over everything and then flies off again. They're not popular with the actual caregivers. That's why.
There are many articles you can find by googling that discuss the impact that the aging process has on the cognitive functions of the brain. If she has had/is having TIAs, and related memory issues, it is contributing to the situation due to no (planned) intention on your mother's end. Very sad indeed. Are you able to focus on simply loving on your mother and talking to her about things you know she enjoyed throughout her life...good memories that you all did growing up as a family, her days growing up perhaps. While you can't control the situation, you can manage how you react and how you contribute to your mother's final time on earth. Imagine ways to that and focus on the positive rather than the negative. :) Hugs.
It is SO EASY to complain and fuss about the caregivers when you aren't in the midst of the "battle". so to speak. To me, emails are just terse, information as needed ways to communicate. You get the wrong end of the stick and run with it--I'm not siding with your sister, but you're making a heck of a lot of assumptions based on a couple of emails.
I really doubt your mom's dr will talk with you unless you are specifically on her contact list. My own HUBBY has not given his drs the "right" to speak to me...and they don't and won't.
IF you think your sister is abusing your mom, take the steps to deal with it and be ready for the fallout. Again, you aren't there. I find it's super easy for my 3 sibs who almost never bother to see Mother to complain about her care. Yet they can come visit at any time--the door it literally unlocked. Sounds like you want everyone to side with you--but we all know there are always several sides to every story. If you care about your mom, make the effort to go see her and TALK with those involved. (Stay in a hotel, if you can, sounds like you and sis don't need to be in the same place). Good luck.
"What are laws regarding taking an elderly parent to ER against their will?" Probably no criminal law would apply as you are a direct descendant trying to do the right thing. Civil law might allow the person in control of her medical care to try and take you to court, but it's iffy.
"I've also thought of talking to my mom's doctor." You are not the medical care surrogate for your Mom, but you can always offer your input to the doctor. Do not expect him/her to respond with any information as privacy rules prevent them from commenting on your input. Fax them the information you think they need to know if you think you must do so. However, you anticipate causing problems for your sister and I doubt that would be the case. You will probably just be categorized as a trouble-maker.
"I'll never see any of that money." I certainly agree with that, and the money topic, when mixed with fighting with your sister, makes it appear you are money-hungry.
"I sent my mom an e-mail requesting that my name be completely taken out of the will." Best to leave the will alone. You won't get any money, so best to just refuse to think about it anymore.
"Should I just let whatever is going to happen, happen?" Absolutely.
"What should I do?" Send Mom cheerful greeting cards with just your signature, no comments. Wait for her to call you. Find other things to do and worry about. Consider volunteering for seniors or homeless animals near your home where your concern and compassion will be more welcome.