My sister, an LPN lives with her and the will states she is the legal medical advisor. My father died 5 years ago, the will keeps being revised. In the original will everything was divided equally between the 4 children, now my sister is inheirting everything. After my mom's fall, my sister opted to treat her at home, with pain meds, and oxygen .. I live out of state. I received an e-mail a week after the fall from my sister, because my brother told her too. (He meant for her to tell me about the fall and the will changes) My sister took my mom to family doctor after a week; sent me the e-mail about the fall (only) but they had good news; the x-rays showed no broken bones? I sent her an e-mail asking why she waited a week, she said mom didn't want to go to ER and that she had to respect her wishes!! My Mom fell 4 years ago while I was there visiting and she didn't want to go to ER then either. I loaded her up into the car, and took her anyway. She needed alot of stitches in her head, and they kept her overnight for observation. I also asked my siter in that e-mail if the doctor (small rural town) had requested an MRI. The MRI done when I was there shows she had been having mini strokes" No,MRI was ordered only PT. " I'm thinking my sister does not want a repeat MRI ,because I'm sure she actually does know enough, that it would probably void all the new wills. Questions I have are: 1. What are laws regarding taking an elderly parent to ER against their will? I've also thought of talking to my mom's doctor and telling her my sister gave her pain pills (from who knows where?) and oxygen? and waited a week for her to be seen. I would also be able to express my concerns to her about my mom's mental stability. My mother was very hostile and agressive with me when I spoke with her on the phone. I'm sure she thought I knew about the will changes from the e-mail my sister sent ,when I was simply calling to talk about her fall and to see how she was doing.( I didn't know anything about new changes). I'm very upset with lots of things...my mom's treatment towards me, (which started after my father died. My mom always thought I loved him more) . Her anger and hostility intensified when my sister moved in to her house, My sister whom is over 50, never liked me because in her words I was thinner, prettier and people liked me better. I have never done or said anything bad to her. The last time I was visiting my mom, my sister got so angry with me, she grabed me by my throat and was shaking me up and down. I left not saying anything to her, The next day in front of my mom, I said in a regular voice, to my sister, if you do that to me again, I will call the police. My mom, said" You would do that to your own sister"? I know if I talk with her doctor, social workers etc. will become involved, with the possibility of my sister losing her job. I think there is the potential of her killing my mother, ( not intentionally) but due to an over elaluation of her knowledge,(in my opinion.) My mom wants to stay in her home, and obviously is happy with her care and the caretaker. That would all change I'm sure if I( talked with her doctor) In the call with my mother she said I had lots of wrong information, no, she didn't buy my sister a car ( butmy sisters e-mail , she said she paid her back?) she never co-signed a $40,000 loan for my sister to pay back her credit card debt, but then she did remember the back calling her about the money? My 85 y/o mother just finished paying off her loan. No, she never paid off the mortgage of the sisters boyfriends property when it was going into foreclosure(she was living with him, there was never any paperwork) My mother told me we were all treated the same in the will, ( None of these things are true.) All her anger was being directed at my brother who owes her over $100,000. She was yelling at me, like it was my fault"I'll never see any of that money
" In my sisters second e-mail "they are concerned about running out of money" My older brother who lives near them, saw my sisters name on the bank deposit slip on my moms table. My sister is only the health advisor? That should be the executor (the other brother) right? I sent my mom an e-mail requesting that my name be completely taken out of the will ( I think there are some stocks in my name.I don't know because I've never seen it) I wrote I do not want anything from her, and all I had ever wanted was just her love. Of course,.
I've heard nothing from my mom. Meanwhile my older brother said the holy spirit visited him, and said my mother would die soon) The same thing happened before my father past away? Should I just let whatever is going to happen, happen? Neither of my brothers are talking with my mom. There isn't really very much medically wrong with my mom. It does bother me that the sister talks so much to her about dying and her medications,etc.and then that's what my mom has to think about when she is home alone all day. I don't think that is very healthy. What should I do?
Dont believe nothing you hear and half of what you see! Maybe you should ask your sister does she need your help at least she can take a break because love it a job wouldnt wish on my enemies ,(not that i have any!) smile. Unless youve walked in her shoes stop making problems if you showed true care for your mom not her money maybe she would take more kindly to you ! Peace
When I say put up or shut up I don't mean it offensively at all .....it is an expression. I gave my opinion earlier and I stand by it. If I THOUGHT a relative of mine was being abused or was at risk I would consult with APS and express my concerns. There is no question of should I? Why would you be wondering what to do - it is clear.
We also use another expression better to be safe than to be sorry. Say to APS - I may be worrying unnecessarily BUT ...and express your concerns. AND DIARY that you have done so - if ever you need proof you have acted appropriately you will then be able to show you acted in good faith. It will however destroy the familial relationships you may have but you have to understand that that may happen, and probably will happen. It should not be part of the decision making process however.
Even if they are unfounded as I said previously , to do nothing is, of itself, neglect. So either contact them and express your concerns or let it go. You are the one who has to live with the consequences if there is abuse going on , not anyone else and certainly not us.
So YOU have to make a decision, do you physically visit and assess the situation which you are NOT qualified to do incidentally because you are too close to the situation familial speaking or...... do you let the professionals, who are independent and removed from the emotional attributes of this issue, do their job and assess the situation. If they go in - and they find all to be well, then your mind will be at rest, if they find abuse then they will act you can rest assured.
The process is simple
1 Why do I think that there is abuse?
List reasons
2 Why do I think Mum is at risk?
List reasons
3 Is there any information to support my beliefs?
List support
4 What emotional baggage am I importing
List baggage and be honest
5 From the information I have gathered can I make an unemotional assessment?
If yes, go for it, if not, consult someone who can i.e. APS
Your mom is 85+? With a history of t.i.a.? She should no longer live alone.
See a therapist to deal with the hurt and anger you must feel over the relationships with all of your family.
Try not to assign credibility or some magical prophesy to your brother's comment about your mom's impending death, and it coinciding with his prediction coincidentally with dad's death. No matter what your personal belief' s are about your own faith or belief in something else, it will help if you understand that the test of a true prophet of God is that they are 100% always correct.
Sorry that you are suffering.
The pain medication: tramadol can also cause dizzyness, resulting in falling.
Following up with an M.R.I. 4 years later is not a bad idea. With each new fall, there is more danger [of having a stroke], [of having just had a stroke or T.I.A]
Often, the right geriatric physician will follow up appropriately, and some order Physical Therapy, which can help with balance issues, and rehabilitate a stroke.
After a stroke, or after a t.i.a., there is an increased risk of dying or having another stroke within one year. (One does not need to hear from the holy spirit to discern this scientific fact). Imop.
What I will say is this I try to force my mum wherever possible to make choices. I guide her of course I do but the choice is hers. Then comes the decision making process and if I don't agree with her choice then sorry but my decision is final. Why? because I am acting in her best interests all the time (well most of the time if I am totally honest but walk a mile in my shoes before you criticise)
When Mum falls we go to A&E she is 93 and frail now and her pain threshold is high (when she wants it to be) so I never quite know how much pain she is in. But I am not a nurse, I am not trained medically at all so I hand it over to the professionals who are. I know many won't agree but I see that if I do this I could NEVER be accused of abusing her health by NOT getting potentially necessary medical attention.
That said the circumstances ARE different for you least and Im not convinced you're handling them the best way but we can only speak from what you tell us and I suspect there is a whole can of worms in there just festering.
CM is right don't be the seagull - it will just breed further unrest. Try and mend bridges not burn them for your Mum's future well being should be at the heart of all your decision making processes not anything else xx
We have nurses come here on a regular basis, my Mom;s blood pressure is down to normal, her edema is coming down, I take her to doctors appointments and also to lunch with her friends which she loves. I read to her alot and fix nutritious meals, drive her everywhere, do all the housework. She is very happy with our situation and my siblings are furious.
Seems to be a common situation and my heart goes out to the caregiver. I agree with most of the statements so far supporting the caregiver. Sorry.
"What are laws regarding taking an elderly parent to ER against their will?" Probably no criminal law would apply as you are a direct descendant trying to do the right thing. Civil law might allow the person in control of her medical care to try and take you to court, but it's iffy.
"I've also thought of talking to my mom's doctor." You are not the medical care surrogate for your Mom, but you can always offer your input to the doctor. Do not expect him/her to respond with any information as privacy rules prevent them from commenting on your input. Fax them the information you think they need to know if you think you must do so. However, you anticipate causing problems for your sister and I doubt that would be the case. You will probably just be categorized as a trouble-maker.
"I'll never see any of that money." I certainly agree with that, and the money topic, when mixed with fighting with your sister, makes it appear you are money-hungry.
"I sent my mom an e-mail requesting that my name be completely taken out of the will." Best to leave the will alone. You won't get any money, so best to just refuse to think about it anymore.
"Should I just let whatever is going to happen, happen?" Absolutely.
"What should I do?" Send Mom cheerful greeting cards with just your signature, no comments. Wait for her to call you. Find other things to do and worry about. Consider volunteering for seniors or homeless animals near your home where your concern and compassion will be more welcome.
It is SO EASY to complain and fuss about the caregivers when you aren't in the midst of the "battle". so to speak. To me, emails are just terse, information as needed ways to communicate. You get the wrong end of the stick and run with it--I'm not siding with your sister, but you're making a heck of a lot of assumptions based on a couple of emails.
I really doubt your mom's dr will talk with you unless you are specifically on her contact list. My own HUBBY has not given his drs the "right" to speak to me...and they don't and won't.
IF you think your sister is abusing your mom, take the steps to deal with it and be ready for the fallout. Again, you aren't there. I find it's super easy for my 3 sibs who almost never bother to see Mother to complain about her care. Yet they can come visit at any time--the door it literally unlocked. Sounds like you want everyone to side with you--but we all know there are always several sides to every story. If you care about your mom, make the effort to go see her and TALK with those involved. (Stay in a hotel, if you can, sounds like you and sis don't need to be in the same place). Good luck.
There are many articles you can find by googling that discuss the impact that the aging process has on the cognitive functions of the brain. If she has had/is having TIAs, and related memory issues, it is contributing to the situation due to no (planned) intention on your mother's end. Very sad indeed. Are you able to focus on simply loving on your mother and talking to her about things you know she enjoyed throughout her life...good memories that you all did growing up as a family, her days growing up perhaps. While you can't control the situation, you can manage how you react and how you contribute to your mother's final time on earth. Imagine ways to that and focus on the positive rather than the negative. :) Hugs.
I must say you're remarkably au fait with your mother's routine. Considering that you are in no way included in it. Sorry, that's not constructive. I'll start again.
Where are you getting your information?
What changes to your mother's care do you feel would benefit your mother?
Do you have any concrete reasons to believe that your mother's health and long term prognosis are at risk through failings on your sister's part?
What improvements to your relationships with a) your mother and b) your sister would you like to see happen?
One thing I can explain, and I'll also take the opportunity to apologise to you for responding angrily to your post instead of reflecting first and collecting myself: why everyone is being so harsh and critical. There is a phenomenon known in caregiving circles as "The Seagull" - the person who flies in, makes a heck of a row, craps all over everything and then flies off again. They're not popular with the actual caregivers. That's why.
About the will -- my mother was going to leave everything to my brother when he was still alive. It was because she felt he needed these things and the rest of us didn't. I think parents make judgments like that quite frequently. If your sister is there for her, your mother may also feel that her estate would also help to repay for the care your sister provided. This is a very noble thought if it is what your mother had in mind. So often in the world of caregiving, we see one child do all the work -- often hurting themselves financially to do it -- but everyone sharing equally in any money left over. Unless the estate is in the millions, I wouldn't worry about any undue influence your sister might have had.
You ask why we focused on your relationship with your sister, instead of the question about falling. It may be that most of your message was pointing out all the things wrong with your sister and the bad relationship you have with her. We just follow where your words lead us, since we're not there to see what happened.
2) As hard as it is to do, separate the emotions from the facts. From personal family experience, I encourage you to have a trusted friend, pastor, etc. assist you as it is difficult to be unbias when it involves your own parents and siblings. 3) Take this information (fact sheet) to your local Area on Aging and/or Ombudsman for review and discussion. These individuals are trained to identify signs of possible misconduct and could start any intervention or exploratory action.
This is a very difficult and emotional roller coaster ride. Facts are key and the more documentation (medical reports, bank records, recorded documents - ie. loan paperwork, vehicle registrations, tax records, etc.) that can be reviewed the better.
As many others have said on this page, sometimes and/or somethings may be best left behind a closed and locked door. It is your life first. If you can move on in your heart, mind, and gut, do so. If you believe the facts clearly indicate wrong doing (civil or criminal) report it. Elder abuse is rampant and shockingly under-reported. The largest percent of the abuse happens within families. Only you can decide what is best for you and your mom/family. God bless.
To answer the question about her grabbing me and shaking me up and down and if I reported it to the police. The next day when my sister and mother were together, I told my sister (normal voice) that if she ever did that again I whould call the police. My mothers response " you would do that to your own sister?" My sister is 3 times my size and my arm was in a sling due to bicycle accident , where I broke my elboe. In my opinion some people should read these questions more carefully before casting judgements and sputting their venum.
It's sad when siblings get this p*ssed at each other and an elder parent is caught in the crossfire.