Negative moments include: swearing at us, accusing us of theft and hateful comments. She is now in a nursing home. When she is out of her negative state she is a sensible 92 yr old senior who is in a nursing home because of fracturing her back in 5 places and the episodes she has related to "Sundowner".
Your mom is in a NH so she's safe and cared for, I would recommend trying to remember it isn't in her control or aimed at you personally and end visits before the Sundowning happens. Usually there is a bewitching hour when the decline begins, if that's 6pm say your good nights by then and let her mind rest.
Apart from the obvious confusion, a sufferer's behaviour can be abominable. It is certainly that way for my mother, who has at least 3 forms of dementia. Negative is too mild a word for some days. Add agitation, aggression, wilfulness, waling, crying, yelling....and lots of other adjectives. The fact that she can purposely slide from her wheelchair or lounge, or roll out of bed if she is resting, would suggest there may even be self-harm in her case.
There are other times, even when she is confused, she can be so sweet, concerned, interested, even animated. Honestly, she is Jeklyll and Hyde reincarnated. Unfortunately those occasions are rarer these days.
Really the best solution is to visit when your mother is less likely to be sun downing. Otherwise if you are present when this comes on, don't try logic or any form of explanation. It only compounds matters. Try deflection by changing the subject, taking her for a walk, bringing her a tasty treat she loves, telling her how pretty her hair is. Try not to ask questions, that is confusing. By no means try to give her a detailed account of any events, that compounds the confusion too.
As far as the abuse and hurtful comments are concerned, simply ignore them. I would not normally advocate tolerating bullying, but the rules are thrown out the window when dementia walks in the door.
Good luck!
Your profile indicates someone who was barricading herself in her home and refusing help and medical attention. I hope that you can all see that she needs a permanent facility placement.
Has anyone mentioned dementia? I find that it's pretty rare for an elder to "just" have Sundowners that is not associated with dementia as part of the bigger picture.
Have you and your wife watched any Teepa Snow videos? She has good techniques for dealing with dementia outbursts.
Have any meds been recommended or trialed?
Don't mean to sound cold-hearted, but we have to have boundaries - not just for our own sanity, but it's good for them as well. Bless you. I know it's hard. 💙
There isn't much you can do. You can't talk her out of it or reason with her. Maybe visit her during the daytime only.
If she gets unreasonable, just walk away and tell her you'll be back to visit when she is feeling better.