My 72-year-old mother has diabetes, Rheumatoid Arthritis and COPD, but they are all managed. She has lost all will to do anything for herself. Just here to vent a bit..After a recent fall, my mother went into the hospital- then to rehab. She's 72 and besides diabetes type 2, rheumatoid arthritis and copd..all managed..there isn't anything wrong with her- it's mostly in her head. My husband and I have lived with her and cared for her for the last three years. Our problem is that she has lost the will to do anything for herself. Rehab (at the hospital) has given up on her due to her lack of motivation, so we are now looking at nursing homes. Noone seems to be able to motivate her to get better. The Rehab nurses have stated that they KNOW she could do the things they are asking her to do, but she just won't try and I'm furious with her! In her current state, I can't take care of her in the home- she can't use the restroom on her own, can't get up out of bed on her own, etc. We are now having to hire an elderly lawyer to protect her assets to pay for a home. Has anyone gone through this???? Thanks!
Does she like making you jump through hoops? Does it amuse her?
My mom likes being waited on too. At times I refer to her as "the queen" or "her highness" but her meds were recently adjusted and she seems more rational/human. Her more acceptable behavior may be short lived and nothing more than another one of her cons, but I still hope.
She may have just given up. If this is the case it too can have many causes.
In any case; it's frustrating to us as caregivers.
You do not have to pay for her NH. Unless you are guardian, you are not liable for her in any way. You may wish to talk to your own attorney (not her's) on your own behalf.
Try to speak to her rationally like an adult first. Lay out her options. All of her options (with & without you). She may change her tune.
I lost my temper recently & told mom I was NOT going to be used and abused in this manner any longer. I told her to lose my # and that I would be making arrangements to sever our relationship (which I fully intended to do). My husband took over for a couple of weeks minimally (doc visits) and I had no contact with her whatsoever. All of a sudden she was able to do things for herself that she hasn't done in years.
It may only be temporary, but she is doing some laundry, picking up after herself, checking her own blood sugar and generally having the INDEPENDANCE that she swears she has.
I've heard it said that they will LET you do it all for them if you are willing to do it. I was doing everything for mine 'til I exhausted myself. This "wait on me hand and foot" crap is just that....crap!!!!! Ask your mom if she thought it was right when her mother did that to her, and does she have so little regard for you that she would treat you this way. Ask her why she would want to cause you so much pain and misery; what you ever did to deserve this hatefulness toward you.
Some folks need a wakeup call!
Maybe it's time for some tough love!
Either that or shes waiting to die. That happens too, but let her know it may be a loooong time to wait with no quality of life for you or her.
If she calls herself a Christian, tell her she can start acting like one and care for someone other than herself. Give her a Bible and tell her if she intends to die it would behoove her to get right with GOD now.
I know the blank stare, the feigned deafness on the phone (what?, what? huh?), the stare at the floor, the "no response" syndrome, the "I can't" syndrome, and an endless list of infantile con games. Are they all aimed at infuriating the adult child or just to get their way? Alot of both I think.
There is NO reason any of us should allow our lives to be shortened for their amusement!!!!
We care for them and want to care for them, but we have our limits.
My mother has become diabetic, had a TIA and possibly other strokes to cause vascular dementia. Her appetite has dwindled and she rarely does anything on her own. She doesn't respond well to my dad's suggestions/pleading, and only slightly better to mine. I don't have the time to coach her through every meal and exercise, though, even though I live next door. It's frustrating.
Strange thing is she complains that everyone else does everything for her (cooking, laundry, etc.), but she can't or won't try to do even small things. I think the executive functions in her brain have been damaged with the stroke or dementia; perhaps your mom has had something similar happen.
My mother is 84 with genetic depression, anxiety, spinal stenosis, COPD, rotator cuff disease in both shoulders, legally blind (refuses cataract surgery in both eyes), and recovering from a 12/2009 hip replacement. She has neither dementia, or alzheimer's, She's been living with us for 9 months. She lays in bed or sits in her chair to watch TV. She does not see any reason to rehabilitate because she has no reason to live. She does 3 daily activities: watches tv, goes to the bathroom, and feeds herself (finely chopped foods only). All other personal daily activities require my assistance, or our persona paid Health Aide's help, who works 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. M-F.
Mom is on 1 anti-depressant and 2 anti-anxiety medications as well as her COPD medication. She started PT three times a week, 2 weeks ago, her assessment was a total lack of conditioing body-over. Since she started she's been 3 of 6 times. She performs her "I don't know where I am...I don't know what I am supposed to do to change my clothes...I can't stand up" routines
Since she came home from rehab, I have taken her to her D.O./M.D. monthly, Nephrologist quarterly, Neurologist monthly, Orthopedist monthly, Pain Management M.D. monthly, and Opthamologist & Retinologist 3 x's.
They all agree: anxiety, each tries to tell her, of course, she plays confused,
The Health Aide saves my sanity in these summer months. When school starts for teachers in late August, she will take my place in the daytime home. I am still the oppressor to my mother, but at least there's someone objective to step in and try to get mom to participate in daily life. A Health Aide cost us $18.00/hour, many local agencies require a minimum number of hours...3 or 4, at least a half days work, to send someone to work.
Consider this or some other care giving assistance option.. .We revel in the immediate freedom, cram in a few hours of quality time, then dread the reality of the return home.
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