My mother has lived with my family and I for a little over 9 years now. She is 70 and recently got a hip replacement. She has gained some independence with mobility and seems to be on a better path.she sits alone in her room most of the day every day, only to come out to use the bathroom and eat. It has been like this since the beginning. There’s a long history of childhood issues, mental health and alcoholism with her. She sobered up 3 1/2 years ago which I’m so proud of her for but the 25 years prior to that have been traumatic for me. I love her dearly and genuinely want what’s best for her. I have a brother who will occasionally have her over with his family and when she gets home she is constantly complaining about how they live, and the way they keep their home. She does not drive anymore as she has vision problems and I have been the primary caretaker for her for over 3 years. I do her laundry, cook dinner for her, take her to all her appointments, etc,etc, all while taking care of our two children, pet, spousal responsibilities, and interior and exterior home. She is very short with our kids and is often making comments at everything they do. My brother and I have separately discussed multiple times with her the option of moving to a low income elderly housing. She brushes it off and sort of goes along with it. Yesterday I brought it up and she started shouting at me asking how I expect her to do this. My brother and I are financially stable enough to provide her with all the furniture and things she would need. The housing is about 7 minutes away from my home. She is literally in her room all day long and only comes out for the bare necessities. She does make phone calls to her friends and occasionally will have someone pick her up for lunch, but I’m afraid that her being alone so much isn’t good for her mental health (she has struggled with depression since I was a child). My husbands mother passed about 10 years ago and yesterday she told me “apparently the wrong mother died, you’re trying to kick me out, you would never have done this to her”. Instead of discussing moving out she said she is just going to move to Tennessee to stay with her long time friend. (This is about a 12 hour drive from us). She broke down hysterically crying saying how dare I assume she will make friends and be happy. She said I just want her to live the rest of her life alone. I told her it would be great to have her own bedroom, living room, kitchen, etc. and nice to have friends over (she only had people pick her up from our home). She said she is happy in her room. I’m in such a tough spot because for hers and my mental health I think this would be a great move for her. They have a library, common area, community gardening, salon, etc etc at this place. I told her I would pick her up every night for dinner, continue to take her to all her appointments, and just all around have a healthier relationship with her. Am I in the wrong for wanting this? My husband has been so patient over the years with her, and after a few occasions of her treating me like I owe her everything and humiliating me in front of family members he’s just fed up. I really do care so deeply for her, but I would also love to be able to focus on my immediate family and their wants and needs. My uncle and his wife agree with me and think it’s time for her to “grow up and be on her own” and my aunt (her sister) told me this isn’t the time to be doing this to her. I feel like no matter what I do someone will be u happy. Me, if she stays here, and everyone else if she goes.
Praying that this transition will work for both of you.
Why did you have a discussion with her? Did you honestly expect her to say assisted living sounds great and she is excited to move?
Why do you need her permission to move her out of your home? (Unless she has residency now… but you can still evict her).
I honestly don’t think it’s your mother that is the issue here.
The issue is that you have no boundaries with her.
She'll be mad. That's OK. It's not fun for you, but it's short term pain for long term gain. I was VERY worried about telling my mom she was moving to AL from my house (after 7 years here). She did get mad and cried and made snarky comments. Ugh, it was rough. But I stuck to my guns and calmly told her that, yes indeed she was moving out. I used some little white lies - hubby it retiring soon and we need to do some work to the house so we can downsize. It's not happening yet, but it will happen.
I would NOT reiterate your over compensating offer of taking her to your house for dinner every night. Somehow you will need to backtrack from this! Tone it down to a reasonable thing, like once a week. But even that - don't commit to it. It will be when you invite her, case closed.
She has a responsibility for her own happiness or lack thereof. It's not your job. Your priority is your husband and children.
I wouldn't talk about it anymore until you have a place picked out and you can talk about it in more concrete terms. If she asks, tell her you're looking at places for her.
Stick to your guns and get mother into low cost housing of her own. She will have the opportunity for a richer life there, should she choose to. Or, she can sit in her room there as she does in your home, but you won't have to deal with it. Neither will your children or husband. I would not mention having her over to dinner nightly.....that defeats the purpose of living on her own and socializing!
If she wants to move to TN, fine. Although I have a feeling that's an idle threat, as welcome as it would be.
Please know you can love your mother and still love yourself and your family enough to ask her to move out. Nowhere is it written that you must house your mother for your whole adult life at the expense of your own happiness.
Why at the age of 61 did you take an alcoholic into ur home where there were children after what u went thru as a child? Why could not Mom have been on her own?
"I do her laundry, cook dinner for her, take her to all her appointments, etc,etc" Why do you do her laundry? I can see the dinner part if ur feeding others. What sight problems does she have at 70? Cateracts can be removed. Glaucoma can be cared for much easier now. Macular degeneration now has shots and other treatments. I think you may have been doing too much and boundries, especially concerning how she talks to your children.
I get the impression you and husband don't feel you can speak up to Mom but you can. She, for what ever reason, is living in your home, your rules. When she talks down to your kids and belittles them, you tell her thats not OK. When she treats you like u owe her something and humilates you in front of others, you husband has a right to call her on it and should "My wife owes u nothing and I won't take you humiliating her in front of others. The next time you humiliate her in public, I will call you out on it" You have allowed this woman to take over your home.
Look up Narcissist, bet Mom fits definition. I think u do for Mom because ur looking for something u did not get as a child. You owe her nothing. What, that wonderful childhood she gave u? She will recover from that hip. You have spoiled her and I think ur Uncle is correct, she needs to grow up. Need to tell her its not working anymore and its time for her to be in her own. She gives u the impression she is entitled. Entitled to belittle u and your children? NO! She has no choice in the matter. Its time for her to live on her own, doing for herself. No different than spending her day in her bedroom. Which is not good for her.
Unless your ready to lay down some boundaries in YOUR OWN HOME and she abides by them, she needs to go. Really, she will be good for a while and fall back into her bad habits. When that starts you need to be ready to put her in her place or find her somewhere else to live. How would you handle a child like this?
Remember, she does not decide how this works, u do.
I agree increased socialization opportunities would be very good for your mother. Unless there is some imperative reason to move her out now, I suggest this might go better in stages.
Stage One: get your mother involved in a senior center or adult day care. Ask your Area Agency on Aging for options available in your area. I found out our state funds a program for people with mobility problems that not only provides the ADC for free but will send a van for transportation too. My mother was somewhat resistant to attending ADC at first but quickly came to look forward to her days there. You may find your mother is more social and cooperative with the family when she has some life of her own.
Stage Two: after Mom has experienced ADC (and the benefits of being around other people and making a few new friends) start talking about the elder housing as being there without the travel time (or continue ADC at least while she adjusts). I would not promise to pick her up every night, but 2-3 nights a week should be enough for her to feel she's still in the know about the family (maybe Sun and Wed). Maybe say you will call her every day.
Oh. Maybe not.
Mom would be less alone in the senior housing that you describe. Point that out. You have no obligation to continue to be a caregiver to this over entitled elder who refuses to understand that you deserve a life with your family. How can it be fair to your husband and children if you serve as driver, laundress, concierge, cook, and maid?
You have the support of your uncle and his wife, so steamroll over the naysayers and get mom where you know she needs to be. Also, you can find wonderful furniture in consignment shops. Don't go overboard and buy new things that she won't appreciate anyway.
Your mom is only 70! People in their 90s are kayaking, quilting with groups, going on cruises, traveling with friends, playing bridge tournaments, learning computers, finding new hobbies. She could too.
How do you expect her to do this? The answer to that is not easily. And perhaps with tears and drama. But it must be done.
I know that with the history you gave us you didn't think that this would be easy. And it won't be. But harder yet than this move will be a lifelong habit of enabling someone who has learned very well how to manipulate her own world for her own good.
I wish you all the luck in the world. This is going to be HARD WON and this is going to be HARD work, but you need to do it now. You had some poor decision making that painted you into a corner. But that paint has long dried. It's time to walk across the floor now and get it done.
If she isn't taking antidepressants, that's on her.
If you don't make your husband, kids and yourself a priority, that's on you. This is called a boundary. Your Mom is like an angry elephant: every time you try to put up a boundary she makes sure to trample and stomp it so that you won't rebuilt it. She's a sick person, and you're helping to keep her sick by knuckling under to her passive-aggressive bullying. You have a dysfunctional codependent relationship with her. This is why I agree with the advice to seek therapy for yourself — so you can get help identifying healthy boundaries and learn strategies on how to defend them.
You can have a gentle conversation with her, informing her that she will be moving out and you will help her find a place. You aren't going to wait to find "the perfect place" -- she can do that on her own once she's out. If she refuses to move out, you tell her you can and will legally evict her. And the cops can come escort her off your property if she doesn't go willingly. You can script this conversation so that she doesn't derail it with her emotional sabotage. Only make threats you are willing and able to carry out. Don't continue to talk about the decision. Keep moving the conversation forward about what she needs to do to prepare to move.
Also, stop paying for her. This is NOT fair to your spouse and family and in the end is unsustainable.
When my Mom (who lives next door to me) would fight with me, she used to threaten to move to Texas, where her wealthy brother lives. Then one day I told her to go ahead but to make sure her brother was going to cough out money to pay for her. And I wouldn't lift a finger to help her. She finally stopped using that immature tactic.
Trust me: it will feel bad for a while, then it will be a huge relief and your own life will get much better (as well as your marriage). Your Mom's life is another story. She is a full-grown adult with a normal IQ. She's had her whole life to improve things for herself, to stop leeaching off others, and she chose not to. This is the retirement she planned for. Let her have it. She might surprise you.
Wishing you much clarity, wisdom, courage, and peace in your heart as you find and defend your boundaries!
If she will not go into low-income housing then and wants to move in with her friend let her, she will want to come back, it's like a little kid who runs away from home.
As far telling her that you will pick her up for dinner every night, big mistake she will use this as another way to manipulate you,
There is no way you will be able to pick her up every night and why would you want to? You are trying to regain your freedom.
You are not responsible for her happiness and no matter what you or anyone else does will make her happy, it doesn't work that way.
If her sister is concerned, let her take your mother in.
I don't know why at such a young age she moved in with you in the first place. My mother is 98, you do understand that your mother could live another 20+ years, is that how you want to live your next 20 years? Catering to your mother.
Your family deserves better, they also have paid their dues and they should be your first priority, not your mother.
Be strong work on your codependence there are many good books on this topic, if might help if your read them.
2. Is her depression being treated?
3. Remember that you can love someone and not be a doormat.
4. Read up on F.O.G.-Fear Obligation and Guilt.
https://outofthefog.website/
She is using those spells of crying and hysteria to control and manipulate you. Every time she does it, you think "poor her, I can't possibly have my life back."
You can't change anyone else's behavior, just your own. If she humiliates you, talk back. Tell her that is unacceptable behavior in your home.
Tell her privately that she will not comment on your children's behavior any longer--again, not acceptable in your home.
Consider seeing a therapist to help you in this journey.
You've done your time. She's lived with you for 9 years now. What is the plan going to be as she needs more help? You? Does she need more help than she would get at the senior low-income housing? Sounds like they don't provide meals or any assistance with daily activities?
"I told her I would pick her up every night for dinner, continue to take her to all her appointments,"
Careful here. This is still tethering you to her quite a bit. Sounds like it's too much. Do you really want to be exposed to her negativity every day?
Who is her POA/HCPOA?
Remember, just as your brother has really limited his involvement with her, so can you do so. And, for your mental health, should do so.