I am a somewhat newly wed to my husband of 11 months. So far our marriage has been wonderful. He's active duty and we recently found out I am pregnant. There have been some complications which have kept me from working. Mind you, I have every intention of going back to work after I recover from pregnancy. Recently, his mother has taken a fall and cannot care for herself. At 60 years old, she has a history of epilepsy and stroke (among other health conditions). This keeps her from using one side of her body. She has been on disability for years and offered to go to assisted living (but refused). With her recent fall, it has been impossible for her to care for herself. She barely could before. Meanwhile, we are states apart, and cannot be there to take care of her. We can't sign anything for her. We can't oversee much, but we help out financially where we can. When my husband was recently near his family's town (for 2 months training) the family agreed that my husband's mother needed assisted living. His mother also agreed that at some point she would as well. What a milestone! We were happy she finally understood she needed help. Within a week, the grandmother (husband's mother's mother) had picked out an assisted care facility, did not consult my husband, myself or even her daughter (my husband's mother) about the expenses. It was the best (and most expensive) the area had to offer (and that's why she chose it). Instead of waiting for Medicaid and Medicare to kick in to cover the expenses (husband's mother is on a waiting list), the grandmother and sister of my husband's mother signed her over to a room at this place and she was moved in quickly. This all happened within a week. My husband and I were confused by this. None the less, we agreed to pay $1200 for the first month, and only the first month, to cover half of the expenses. This came out of our savings. Meanwhile, we were left confused as to why this decision was made so quickly. Usually assistance takes time to set in. My husband's grandmother (his mother's mother) is still able minded and able bodied, but meanwhile expects us (newly married, baby on the way, student loans, and moved twice in one year) to pay help pay for half of these expenses. The total expense of the facility is 2000 dollars a month and we are expected to pay for 1000 of that. It's something we did not sign for and have no way to pay for regardless. We have no legal contract with the facility. Meanwhile, my husband has an older sister (also states away) that's helping out where she can, but also cannot afford the amount. The mother's side of the family doesn't ask her for her money, because they know she doesn't have it. My husband has long taken care of his mother where he can, being active duty, but he simply cannot be there. He may have had more money to spend freely while single but can no longer do this as a husband and soon to be father. His mother's side of the family places expectations on him that can no longer be met. Meanwhile, we were waiting to make our pregnancy a surprise for everyone. The plan was to wait until he returned home with me and we would call everyone with the good news. Unfortunately, my husband and I agreed to reveal this to his mother's side of the family about the pregnancy. This was in order to explain why we couldn't pay that 1000 dollars a month. Naturally, my husband's mother was delighted, however the grandmother didn't congratulate us and stated that "babies/children are not that expensive!" The grandmother tried to guilt trip my husband, threw things at him, and tried to slap him, when he would not agree to pay for something he did not sign for or conditions that were not agreed to. I, my husband, and the rest of our family (on both sides) feel the grandmother is trying to take advantage of us (specifically my husband) for something that was done in haste and without anyone's consideration. She signed the contract and it is now her responsibility. Meanwhile, the grandmother, and my husband's mother's siblings are upper middle class (with summer homes) and live close by. Although I do not know what bills they have to pay, they're not starting out in life with a new marriage and babies on the way. However, we are still expected (as a one income family) to foot the bill. And we refuse. I understand his grandmother is elderly and desperate to get help for her daughter, but doing things in haste and expecting others pay with a baby on the way is thoughtless. My husband is upset that I was not even considered in this decision making and his grandmother does not care about our family. Meanwhile his mother does not expect us to pay for a place she doesn't even want to be in. At this point in time, my husband and I have decided to make visits to his mother's side of the family short (only with this mother) for the lack of concern for our child, finances, and marriage. What a mess.
Grandma can foot the bill herself since she didn't bother to consult or ask anyone to help her.
I feel bad for his poor mom. It sounds like she's caught in the middle.
I appreciate the support.
I also want to mention that this is a common theme with the grandmother. Whenever we could afford to visit, she would ask my husband last minute to help her with something in regard to his mother.
The last time we visited, it was week's worth of time. The last day we were there, it was midday, and the grandmother asked us to help clean up his mother's apartment because inspection was coming up.
She was a hoarder and the place was wreck on top of her not being able to walk around well on her own.
Meanwhile, this was something the grandmother and her siblings could have helped out with months ago.
They wait until my husband gets there to do these last minute things.
The mother was so upset, she cried the last day.
Part of the frustration was the difficulty of the mother admitting she needed help and the grandmother not asking for help from the family and community.
There is help out there and cheaper means of doing things, but the grandmother will not have it.
Recently, a family member was heading towards permanent long term care in a SNF. The adult daughters contacted me and asked for direction. One think I told them was NOT to sign anything ---They touted that they were going to pay for it! I told them SNFs in our area ran $12,000/month and they almost had heart failure! I suggested they put anything they were willing to help with in a separate account under their name and it would then be available to their mom at a later date. The Dad passed away before entering a SNF so it became a moot point. Feel VERY fortunate that you weren't in the area to sign anything. Drop the guilt Grandma made a HUGE mistake and the solution will be to move her daughter to a more affordable place AND to apply for medicaid. Let us know how this all works out.
GM can't make decisions and impose consequences of payment on others, especially when those others were consulted. This should have been a family decision, or GM and the one family member who was part of the decision should accept responsibility themselves and not impose on any others in the family.
I'm wondering if GM is a domineering woman, regardless of this incident, and expects the family to "tow the line" when she makes a decision. I have the impression she dominates her daughter (your MIL?) and controls her life.
Stand your ground, advise GM if you have to that you weren't a party to the decision and can't afford to contribute to HER choice of facilities. Expect to be chastised if not criticized if not other action as she learns that she's not the decision maker for the rest of the family.
For extended family to expect $1K monthly from a newlywed & newly expecting couple is just wrong.
You should stick to planning for your impending addition & stand your ground. This should be a Happy Time for you & husband right now.
Now, just be firm and don't waiver. You are in the right.
Congratulations on your soon to come baby. Enjoy your pregnancy. It will only last a few more months. Once it's over, you probably will miss the baby kicking in your stomach.
Don't be 'guilted' into something you had no part of.
Meanwhile it sounds like your husband's situation is somewhat like mine; his family got used to him being single and having no other obligations than to take care of whatever they wanted; mine was the last of his family to marry and somewhat later than anybody else, so they got used to that as well, although we didn't have quite the same situation but sounds like they feel/subscribe to the theory the filial laws are based on, that it's the children's responsibility to take care of their parents. But, as others have said, I'm proud of your husband! I, too, understand her desperation and I'm so glad we didn't have that situation; hub's paternal grandmother actually passed away the week of our marriage, but she's the one who had long been taken care of by her daughter in her daughter's home anyway; his mom did take care of her mom in her - his moms', not grandmother's - home as well but she did place her but she didn't have anything except possibly social security either, but we only have about one place where we live anyway; she now has life estate on her property. I keep reading this somewhat wrong in that your husband's upset that he wasn't considered but I actually read it as upset that you weren't considered; not sure bothered, in that sense, I'd be over that, sounds pretty typical there; can't imagine that I would/will be considered in anything regarding my hub's mother - I'm not now, even though we'll possibly be affected, but that's fine; that's now their responsibility but his, like your hubs and sounds like he's doing a good job of it. I'm just glad his mom's not expecting it out of you, though, granted, maybe she doesn't understand her own situation, really, part of why asked if she'd been hospitalized; this is more like my dil's situation; her mom, when she and son got married, was paralyzed on one side as well and could not take care of herself, either, and had been on disability for years, too, but as I understand her parents had responsibility over her, so maybe like your mil; at least my understanding they're the ones who signed her into a nursing home, a SNF, yes, not assisted living, which that's what's been referred to here by others, which am somewhat wondering because somewhat surprised if would be eligible for AL with her physical situation but they're all different in different places and for the price does sound more like AL but , maybe be glad on $1200 not $120,000 but with the social, not medical model in her state she wouldn't have been for sure but she didn't want to be there, either, so what does she want to do? can I ask, did her place pass inspection? How far back does the history of her health conditions go? Dil's mom's had only gone back or maybe not "only" about 4 yrs., when they got married, but since they were both young, they were both still in school when it happened, so she was taken to her parents then.
I think it would be a good idea to talk to the SW at the assisted living, if they will. They could, pretty sure, for starters at least, tell you the filial obligation law, as in if her state has that, so you know for sure where you stand there, unless, and if they would tell you, if his grandmother does have responsibility over mil to have been able to have signed her in, possibly even to tell them that even though she did, she doesn't plan on paying or will she if you won't? but if she won't, what would happen then; this could have been her plan all along, with possibly knowing, at least if it were an SNF, that they would then take up the slack if family won't to have her made a ward of the state; would you be willing to go that far? might be what is meant by what someone saying other action - or maybe inaction - that grandma might would take if you don't do what she's demanding. Or would that be what would cause him to want to be POA and his mom to give it to him and then what? Would definitely need to find out for sure, then, if they accept Medicaid. Her care cost would only go by her assets and income if they do and if she's already on a waiting list/period for that, she should already have a caseworker through them that you could possibly find out if gma's on her case with but, yes, she might have to be moved; is that something you'd want to be involved with?
yes, please let us know
Thank you and thank your husband - I live in a free country because good folks like you two sacrifice so much for the rest of us.
Congratulations on your baby, what a wonderful time in your lives, please don't let gma drama wreck it for you, go no contact if you have to and let her reap what she has sown.
Ps: come back and tell us how the new one is. Birth is such a joy and I'm sure everyone here is praying that you have an easy time and much joy. Hugs 2 u for all u do.
medicalalertadvice.com/articles/does-state-law-require-you-to-support-you-aging-parent/
Just don't worry about that angle until and unless it comes up (not likely). If it does, get a lawyer.
Meanwhile, the grandma is entitled to expect anything she wants. Doesn't mean others have to make it possible. I could tell my children that I expect them to take me out twice a week for dinner, at a very nice restaurant. After all, I sure made them a lot of fancy meals! Would I get taken to a nice restaurant twice a week? Ha ha ha. Again I could expect that now that I'm widowed I should be included in all their vacation plans. Again, that would be good for a laugh.
Your hubby's grandmother can expect anything she can dream up. That puts absolutely no obligations on you!
Does the nice ALF gm has selected accept Medicaid? Do they require a certain length of self-pay first? Has she started the Medicaid application process? None of this is your problem, of course. Just a caution that there may be more demands ahead. Stay firm!
Based on the web page link I posted above, potentially they could sue you to contribute a share if you live in one of the states listed, but unless/until they do, I would not pay for 1/2 the cost. The page also indicates that given what your expenses are, they can waiver any contribution so as not to impoverish you - from what you have provided, I do not see how you would not get that waiver. GMA would have to waste more money on hiring an attorney to accomplish this, but I suspect she would not even know this exists - she is just trying to guilt you into paying for mom. Visits and gifts of things MIL might need would be about the most I would contribute. These laws would not really come into play unless someone 1) knows about them and 2) takes the steps needed to invoke them.
If Medicare and/or Medicaid are being considered, do they "back pay" to cover any of the initial costs during the approval process? There are many factors to take into account for these benefits, but if they do pay for the initial costs incurred before approval, would you ever see your share?
Was FIL in the military? If so, she might qualify for VA benefits too. Rather than guilt and impoverish the family, they should focus first on getting ALL benefits mom might qualify for! If her SS is low enough, there is supplemental SS that she might qualify for.
My only other thought is WOW - what state are they in that the "best" and "most expensive" place is about $2k? Granted our mother is in MC, which is more expensive, and it is private pay, so Medicaid would never chip in, but still, we'd be delighted (as GMA should be) that this is all they are paying! I read other threads in which people have mentioned $12 and $14k per month! If this one only costs $2k/month AND is the "best", then GMA got herself a bargain!!! GMA is also way out of line saying that babies are not that expensive. Maybe back in her day, but that has not been true for a very long time! On top of that, you do not know what the future holds for any of you. With only one income, many expenses, and baby on the way, you need to focus on your own family.
GMA should also look into tax deductions - does she claim MIL as a dependent? If not, why not? If you contribute a certain amount for someone's care, they CAN be claimed (MIL taxes would have to be changed as she would fall under dependent then), and the cost of at least the medical portion of AL can be claimed as a deduction. I am currently waiting for the results of the tax paperwork for mom (having this done professionally at least this year, to ensure we get the deductions right!), but expect all of the cost to be deductible in her case. She is "self-paying" in that we manage her finances, and feed in extra income from a small trust we set up, so this all gets filed on her tax return. I found out that I currently live in one of those states and lived in another which also has those laws. There is NO WAY I could afford to pay for where she is living! I can barely afford my own place! Thankfully we (mostly I) took over her finances during the earlier onset of dementia and I got assigned as representative payee for her pension and SS, and also set up this trust to protect her assets (mostly from her) so that she COULD afford a nice place!