Husband found out his 88 year old mom cut him out of her will in favor of his indigent sister who has put her through one crisis after another for 40+ years with amazing consistency. Sister and her husband currently live with their daughter. They have 4 children and 3 grandchildren, no home, no rental. Mom lives alone in a small home with reverse mortgage. The initial money is all gone and she lives on SS. My husband has consistently provided his mom with landscaping, painting, handyman and mechanic services for many years. Going immediately or as soon as he can if non-emergency. Also, he's gifted her necessary items like toilets, faucets, disposals, etc. He even fixed her broken sewer line saving her $3000. Mom is unimpressed. She sees these things as her due. Son-in-law has no skills so has to be my husband. What she really wanted from my husband he didn't provide... a new car, new cabinets and new countertops for her reverse mortgage home, cable TV, a larger TV than the one he got her. MIL says her daughter is committed to caring for her going forward and she has no one else (as my husband and I look at each other with raised eyebrows). I took care of both my parents in their last years. MIL won't listen to how Medicaid works should she need it. Said she's not going to worry about such things. Somehow MIL believes that years of rescuing her daughter will secure her a daughter/friend and goodwill, and she's sweetening the deal with a payout. MIL says my husband said he didn't want anything from her. That was taken out of context. Honestly, my husband would be very happy if mom needs all her money for herself and there's nothing left, but he'd also like to be remembered if there is anything left over. And we do understand that a will is no guarantee that things will go as planned. I know full-well what can be done with a power of attorney written correctly. My husband says his sister should step up and take care of her mom out of principle. Sister has also gotten money for years from their dad and stepmom. They've given her family money and 13 vehicles so far and not a single repayment on signed promissory notes. If mom sold her house now she would get almost $200K in equity. MIL says she's signed the will and she can't undo it. She doesn't know where it is or what else she's signed. We told her we're afraid for her future. The daughter has stolen mom's credit card before. Mom says she doesn't remember that. She's now conveniently forgotten all the terrible stories that kept her upset over the years. She and daughter are living a cozy little life now, going to church together, shopping, paying bills. We're not only afraid mom will be taken advantage of, but the daughter will be spiteful and stop giving us information on mom. For instance, if mom goes into the hospital we won't be informed. Mom admits that daughter can be spiteful and she walks softly around her. There's no hope here. My husband wants to cut the connection as they clearly were going to continue to use him for his services and avoid the truth as long as possible.
Her spiteful daughter stands to inherit whatever mom has so she can take up the responsibility of her in exchange.
If she is unwilling to be fair to her son (your hsuband) then he should abandon her. Don't do anything for her. Don't pay for anything. Don't arrange for any home repairs or make sure thigs get taken care of. Call her once a week to wish her well, and if she starts complaining hang up and start calling once a month.
She has decided to put her money on the spiteful, incompetent, basically useless daughter and she's going to lose. So let her lose.
She is making the choice to push her son away by the disrespectful and entitled way she treats him. So he should go away.
After your MIL is gone your SIL will continue to have her hand out. People like her just think other people need to be bailing them out. Put your husband on notice now that you will not be subsidizing her. I write this because I know this from my life experience.
Sometimes we want to keep trying, but your husband is right. It's over. If these people were gone from your life, so would be the stress, heartache, time, and money you've expended on the situation. How free you'd feel!
After the breakup, what if she calls you in the middle of the night because her toilet is overflowing? Have the number of a good plumber available and slowly read it to her over the phone. Then go back to sleep.
I wish you luck.
It isn't about the money. It's a slap in the face to all the work, literal WORK he has done for her. But since she has teamed up with a greedy sister, there probably won't be much left anyway. And once the sister is alone, any remaining assets will tank.
So once he cuts contact, I'm sure the phone calls will come wanting him to fix things and do her bidding. If husband picks up the phone, there's options.
"Mom, I'm getting older too and can't do as much with your house like I used to. I know of some people you can call if you need house repairs."
"I think you and sister have all you need there. She can find help if it's needed. If an appliance is broken, buy a new one."
"Mom, since you cut me out of the will, I assume you don't love me or appreciate all the work I've done. So I won't upset you anymore by going to your house to fix things."
Your husband must realize that there isn’t a reset button that he can press to start all over.
His mom and sister have shown him with their actions exactly what they think and feel about him. He has been cut out of the will. Their only interest in him has been about using him.
It’s time for him to start believing them. It is futile for him to believe that change is possible at this point.
They are only interested in their point of view because they view themselves as being so special. He isn’t special to them.
I’m so sorry. It’s especially painful for your husband and painful for you to watch him suffer.
Now this is someone who I catered to for over 60 years, while my brother did little or nothing.
She also bought him a convertible, I took her to the car lot, the guy who was helping her said "Are you buying one for your daughter too"! Oh no, she has one, I did, it was 12 years old.
That was a real slap in the face, not actually about the money it is about indirectly saying to me "You mean nothing to me, I am just using you".
Well, that ended that, I never spoke to her again, it's been almost 13 years and this is the third time I went no contact. This time it is forever.
My brother is stuck with her and he is going through Hail as she doesn't have me to take it out on anymore, she is 98. I help him behind the scenes, support him.
Not one other member of the family speaks to her, her brother hasn't for 35 years, she is poison.
I would give her no more money. Tell her to get it from the daughter who inherits everything. Your bank is closed.
You said she lives in a small home and there is still 200k in equity? That goes down as she receives money against it every month.
So what's the advice you need from this forum? Cut the connection, as your H wants.
See All Answers