MIL had to be moved out of her house out in the country to a house that we bought in town. We built on a handicapped accessible apartment for her so she has her space but is close to our son/dil/grandkids until we are able to move back. We are currently living in Norway with my husband working for NATO. She got diarrhea about a year ago and I took her to a GI doctor who told her she had to have a colonoscopy to figure out what's going on. She refused. He said he can't help her then. She said fine. She hates doctors and believes that they kill people. She is over weight, slow moving and falls quite a bit. When she needs to go, she just goes where she is. In the grocery store as she's walking around, in the car on the drive home. She's pooped all over our sidewalks. Doesn't care. We refuse to take her anywhere now and she's mad. Her keys were taken away from her last year. We told her if she wants to go to the grocery store instead of someone picking up her groceries, she needs to fix this. She said she's lost 75 lbs since it started so she has no desire to have it stopped. We have someone come in and clean for her twice a week (really needs to be everyday but can't find anyone to come for an hour everyday just to clean up poop) and on Tuesday last week they found her laying flat on the floor. She slipped in poop, her feet went flying up and she slammed her back into the floor and couldn't get up. She has a life alert but doesn't like wearing it so no one knew. She also doesn't like to take showers. She is being FORCED to shower twice a week because the smell is horrific and she's very upset about it. I'm at my wits end. She was in a hursing home for a week after a surgery for an impacted intestine and we really hoped it would fix the problem but it hasn't. After the surgery, her apartment wasn't quite ready so she was in a nursing home for about a week. The nursing home said she does not "need" to be there so she had to pay out of pocket. I'm at a loss. If someone goes to her house, sees poop everywhere, smells how bad she is, I'm afraid social services (or whoever does that) might show up and accuse the kids staying with her of elder abuse. She thinks they meddle too much (taking out the trash, trying to clean up the messes) so she locks her doors and will not let them in. They pick up the meals on wheels for her everyday and she won't even let them in to deliver it. Has anyone had something similar to this happen? If so, how did you take care of it? Oh ... she REFUSES to wear diapers because she's not a baby (even though she acts like one)
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Some older folks are mentally ill and rather mean. Your MIL seems to be very out front with it. In your shoes, I would let the county HRS know about the problem, then see if the State can assume guardianship of your MIL. I wouldn't want to try to wrestle with a mentally ill, ill-tempered person if given the choice, even if they were related to me.
How does your spouse feel about all this?
There is clearly a mental problem by her behaviour. I am just guessing but think the dementia is probably further advanced than anyone knows and the recent surgery for the impaction may have advanced it considerably. If she appeared rational the surgeon probably told her what he found and of course she does not have to share the information and the surgeon is unable to if she refused. As her life spins out of control ( the family moved her and sorted through her things) One thing she can still control are her bodily functions. It would appear to me to be a final act of defiance. Pressure should be put on the POA to act or hand over to someone who will. This is not a sustainable situation. The diarrhea has probably persisted for many years if she was over using Imodium. arbitrarily taking them away did not help anyone. Of course it was the right and rational thing to do but to her it felt as though it was another thing she could not control. Not an easy situation for the family to deal with but this poor sick old woman needs comfort and compassion and placed in a safe environment.
It has yet to be established that the MIL is incompetent.
Therefore there are important things that have to be done before anyone can charge ahead on the investigations, even assuming that it is decided that the investigations are worthwhile, and those things will prove extremely challenging to accomplish from 4,500 miles away with a six or seven hour time difference and without POA which is held by someone else.
Don't tell the poor lady it's simple and easy. It isn't.
#2 Get a colonoscopy.
#3 Or go with the mindset "ignorance is bliss."
#4 The woman who loves pooping all over the place is acutely mentally ill.
You MIL CLEARLY has some sort of mental issue if she doesn't care where and when she has diarrhea. You may just have to petition the court for guardianship (which is an expensive process) if she clearly is a danger to herself. Unfortunately, this process will take more than the month you have in August.
You don't mention how old MIL is but a geriatric psychiatric evaluation would not be out of the question. As others stated, should she slip and fall again and can't get up, have the EMTs take her to the hospital "to get checked over" and then discuss her situation with the doctor and discharge planner. Under no circumstances would I (or should any of your family) have her discharged back into her home (apartment). Tell the discharge planner that she is a danger to herself and there is no one at home to properly take care of her. The planner will have to find her a proper place for her needs. Good luck and come back and let us know how YOU'RE doing.
My first thought upon reading your post was "Call APS." After also reading responses I've revised that slightly.
1) Give BIL the facts of life regarding POA. Give him 24 hours to formally resign the role, in writing, if that is what he wants to do. This is just a courtesy to minimize his accountability for neglect. He can take it or leave it. Not your worry.
2) Call APS from Norway. Don't wait until you are actually here. Yes, that involves time differences and call-backs and expense. But this has gone on far too long and needs to be addressed NOW.
One possibility is to invoke the Baker Act, and place MIL under 72 hour observation in a hospital, against her wishes, to determine how best to address her self-neglect.
I hope the month you are here is enough to get things started on the right track, but I wouldn't wait for that.
I doubt that you could obtain guardianship while you are abroad. Frankly, I don't think I'd sign on for that responsibility.
You (actually your husband) might also usefully remind him that he has been responsible for her from the time when she became incompetent to manage whatever aspects of life the POA covers. If anyone is in the firing line for failing to protect a vulnerable elder it's him. I hope this notion might make him a little more inclined to co-operate/get his finger out.
illness - even if it is against her will. Forget about whoever has POA responsibility now - obviously they're no help. Find out now what steps you need to take to get emergency guardianship and when you get here - do it.
I'm not sure what state you all reside in, but it feels to me as though PoA might be held in some way responsible for not reporting her self neglect.
It also seems like someone should rattle the doctor's cage a bit. Does he consider her competent to make her own medical decisions?
?!?!?!?
What did he think he was agreeing to???
He must resign it, then. What a [blank]!
I sympathise with how infuriating you must find your position. All that time, effort and - not that it's the point, but still - cost. But. Your MIL is old and by the sound of it pretty ill. Be pissed off, I don't blame you one bit, but not with her if you can possibly help it.
E.g. nobody loves having diarrhoea. I hear what you say about her relishing her weight loss, but you know better than I do that she's grasping at straws. She must be lost, scared, in despair, in crazy denial, God knows what; but you can forgive her for not wanting to acknowledge what's going on. It is scary stuff. Pity her if you can.
She doesn't sound like someone I'd want guardianship of, since she is uncooperative. I'm curious why hospital didn't address the issue.
If she's ever hospitalized again ( and if she fell on my watch, id call 911 to get the ball rolling), someone needs to step up and refuse to sign for discharge until her medical and mental issues are addressed.
She sounds a bit like my mother, who went through a stage where she abused milk of magnesia and lost control of her bowels. (She was obsessed with constipation, which is pretty typical but it drove us nuts for about 5 years)
The family has assumed NO responsibility for her. That is why we have to do everything from Norway ourselves. My son (from a previous marriage so he's not her grandchild) and his family moved in to help as they can. We spent all of our saved up leave time and went into future leave time to go back, pack her out, move her into the house and we spend all our time going back trying to fix things. I'm beyond pissed off that one lives "71 seconds away" yet her husband said "she's not my blood" when I asked for help.
We go back on August 21st so I'll call someone then. We're there for almost a month so hopefully that will be time to get the ball moving on things.
You might present this to her as a choice ( not a threat), but I'd be on the phone to APS before a neighbor is.
Royneberg, your son might also want to get back to the GI man, update him, and get advice on what to do now.
Your MIL won't have it, of course. But this level of self-neglect is not wilfulness: it's nuts, and it's dangerous. If she carries on like this she'll be deemed incompetent so fast it'll make her head swim, and after that it won't be up to her who gets in to her apartment.